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Oh, hello.

So, yeah, I’ve been about as prolific as that elf in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer who wanted to be a dentist. (Not for nothing, but Hermey had a decent labor suit in his back pocket if the whole med school thing didn’t pan out.)

Yep, you guessed it, I’ve been using this time to study orthodontics!
Jk, I’ve been on a break in a non Ross-Rachel way, since my dad became sick last October. I don't want to go too into it, but suffice to say he's tackled it the way he’s tackled everything in his life: “Ok, tell me what I have to do, and let’s just get it done.” As if he’s talking about refinancing a car. He's the most amazing person I'll ever know.

And still, never ceases to awe me (as evidenced by the fact he took 15th out of 150 in a poker tourney at Foxwoods last week. WHAT WHAT. I like to brag about my dad because he makes me proud to know him.)

Okay, that said...But I digress (ah, I missed typing that.) From what I'm digressing, I'm not quite sure, but historically, if I'm blogging, I'm digressing, so I'm playing the odds here.

I figured I’d poke my head in, amid the Non-Yankee-Playoff, since I made a field trip to the Mothership today. It was sort of like making a pilgrimage to the old drinking haunt that you havent frequented since, oh I don’t know, the manager skipped off to sail the high seas. And you’re thinking, “man, I wonder if anything’s changed in my absence.”

Yeah, I entertained the notion that the Yankee Clubhouse changed in my absence. ßeither I’m rusty, or that sentence is impossible to construct with the connotation of sarcasm I’m aiming for.

(HOWEVAH, they don’t sell the worn in blue fitted Yankee caps no mo’! Double U Tee Eff, How is anyone supposed to establish him or herself firmly in true fandom if his or her hat is impossibly color-saturated??  Also—apparently using “impossibly” to modify color made a dominant showing in the Pollina punnet square.)
Not impossibly brown, Mom, since they exist.

My trip to the Yankee Clubhouse was not without incident as the entire freaking block was taped with crime scene tape. You can imagine my excitement since my first thought was Dear Diary, I’ve finally walked onto a Law & Order set! Love, Kris. As my fellow traveller Marty rightly noted, “Yeah you need a lot of juice to be able to shut down Times Square in themiddle of the day.” True dat.
I don’t think even Mariska Hagartay has that kind of clout, but someone threatening to jump off the top of Madam Toussad’s Wax Museum does. Yeah, that’s right. The tourists for once had their cameras aimed as an actual thing, as opposed to a skyscraper. And as a result, there was no way to get to the Yankee store. After all my years of toiling away in Zelda labyrinths, even I couldn’t find a way around the crime scene tape.

(Crime scene tape has been like the red rose petals of American Beauty…seems to keep quasi-poignantly popping up. And by quasi-poignantly, I mean an N of 2. Today, and also a few weeks ago when I tried to scare whoever was breaking onto my roof with this well-thought out ploy.)

Hashtag seeyagoodrelationshipwithlandlord

The guy on the roof didn’t jump. He was up there for about 2 hours, and he was talked down. That was good.

Excitement like a monkey in jello.

And I extend a very grateful thank you to my 2 travel companions today—James and Marty—as they not only did what many fear to (engage in Yankee-related activity with me), but also got me writing again, albeit in a non-recap-capacity. But, you know, I don’t want to be all Teixeira-ed out come April, and have a bunch of comments like “Oh, well she needs a good 3 months to warm up anyway…”

(Baseball reference!)

Hopefully, I’ll be back in action in about 4 months, but until then...

Novi Eboraci , vix potest ad consilium ante. 
Interdum non mihi molestus.

This one was more the kind of Yankees/Socks game to which we've all grown accustomed. Because it was close and dramatic and had drama involved. It's kind of weird that the drama isn't related to Boston-NY animosity though, yeah.

The Yanks win by a hair, thanks to some clutch plays from Beltran (a homerun), Nova (outstanding outing), Sneach (who sneached a ball out of the air when Ortiz hit a long shot and did a premature obnoxious pause at the plate), and Cervelli (who SuperMario'd to first and drove in what ended up being the winning run).

Farrell got thrown out for breaking the rules when he argued the replay ruling. I mean, c'mon guy, everyone knows this.

Jacoby made a great, albeit possibly unnecessarily embellished, catch to end the game. Shawn Kelley struck out Carp with bases loaded to end the 8th, and Girardi made more walks to the field mid-inning to check out hurt players.

Even the announcers were like, "Yeah, how many times do you think Joe's done that in the last few years?"

And then, "Now he's just gotta hope that McCann stays unhurt, since he's down to 1 catcher."

Cut to a few innings later when McCann gets a zinger in the hand, probably broke it, who knows.

The announcers then something along the lines of "And unbeknownst to Dean Anna, he's the emergency backup catcher."

Ha! Is this like a surprise clause in his contract? Like "Heretoforth signer agrees to an undisclosed clause of emergency situation nature e pluribus habeas corpus mens rea etc ad nauseum. Fin."


That didn't happen though.

So, the boys pull out a W and get the day off tomorrow, and I hope they use it productively, ie doing trust exercises and ice breakers and other assorted games of "getting-to-know-you" ilk.

Because as funny as it is in movies to watch a group of unrelated misfits band together to overcome the odds and realize the sum is greater than the parts or whatever...I'm not on board unless I see a montage.

Da mihi montage, aut da mihi mortem.

Kevin Long was really excited today. I mean, I don't remember seeing any shots of him during the game or anything, but I really wish I did.

The whole game was sort of like watching a movie or something. Or a Central Park softball game.

John Lackey/Gomer Pyle/Terrifying
It had a nice lazy feel to the game, and I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever used "nice" and "lazy" in the same sentence.

Unless I said something like "It's nice that the Yankees got rid of his lazy ass." But that doesn't sound like a sentence I'd say, so I'm sticking with my original claim.

The Yankees went old school and won with the long ball. 5 bombs--2 from McCann, the rest from Beltran, A-So, and Kelly Johnson.

(Kelly Johnson can now be added to the list of players whose name is for some reason always said using both first and last names.)

Only one Sock went yard, and it just really wasn't their day.

Farrell tried to overturn a call in the 8th, and I'm sorry, but when I was trying to wrap my head around the whole instant replay thing, I thought you weren't allowed to use a challenge after the 6th inning?

Don't you lose your challenge in the 7th inning? I'm almost positive that's what I read somewhere.

Also, I'm also fairly positive the replay showed that Dear Anna was very much out. but the umps ruled him safe. Either they were just like, "whatever, I don't feel like overturning this in Yankee Stadium. I want to make it back to my car in one piece."

Or they remembered that there was no challenging after the 6th?

Whatever, it was a good day for the Yanks. The only real glitches were A-So dropping an easy one in the first play that came his way. Also, I hate to stay this, but I wish there was a little more team chemistry. I never understood when in business it's cited as a bad thing to not have team chemistry. I get that it's desirable, but if the work's getting done right, who cares?

But now I get it. Sort of. I'd rather have the Yankees even if they don't really know all the names of their teammates yet, than have the Red Socks who equate idiotic irreverance with victory.

Tomorrow, the Yanks pit Nova against Felix, and based on their performance so far this year, it could be a little like watching a WNBA game..

Ego vellem vincere quam ut aut excitant.

Well, was dealing like the v2009. Which was awesome. I have to say, though, I severely miss watching him wipe sweat off his hands on his X (x 109)L jersey. I miss Fatso's fat(so). 

Lester pitched really well, sadly, and doubly sadly because I look at the kind of Red Sock he's become, and it's like a Lifetime movie plot about a guy who just goes down the wrong path and he thinks he's got it allll under control but everyone is noticing something's amiss.

I don't remember the original Lester version having such a hair-trigger temper. This guy was like a Lester/Papelbon freak/Lackey.

Argh. So, the two much hyped aces battle it out, and it looked like a quiet iteration of your standard Yankee-Boston fare. Pitcher's duel, which I love but yet also hate because once the whole thrill of an exciting game wears off, I'm left with the stark realization that my team barely eeked out AH run. Let alone many runs to necessiate an entire rack.

Then A-So hits a homerun, and don't get me wrong, I like anyone who takes a Boston pitcher deep (pause?) but I weirdly have some inexplicable residual disgruntled-ness over his early refusal to get on base. I'm turning into my parents, I swear.

Who never seem to age at all, who still look 30 years younger than they are, but what they preserved in youthful appearance the make up for in lost interest in supporting data. ("Well, I saw Cathy doing her laundry today, and I think she's in over her head." " life or in laundry?" "Um...both. Life, mostly. And laundry.")

I digress, of course, A-So hits a great shot and it's a nice 1-0 game for a little bit until Jonny Gomes goes deep to tie it up, and Round Boy was mad at himself.

He even cursed into his glove between innings, which was a notable step above the stations muting "F%&!" but not blurring out the very defined slow motion mouth gyrations.

Thank you for being considerate even in your hour of frustration, Big Guy.

Lester wasn't as classy. But he was better. Very similar outings from the 2 starters, the stats were nearly identical except an impressive 9Ks for Lard, vs 6 for Lester. Oh, yeah. And there was a homerun discrepancies. 2 vs 1. This is why stats are useless, yeah?

Because that 9Ks make our boy look like a stud, but the only number worth reading in the line score is the HR box. Because that second one to Sizemore broke us.

3-run bomb. 4-1. Yanks started to answer with a mini-rally (a "baby mouse bite" rally, as my youngest sister would say). Kelly Johnson looked terrified batting with 2 outs and 2 men on. Like, big time terrified, a la that scene in "Rookie of the Year" when the kid is batting for the first time ever.

The Socks make it out of the game without further incident, and SPEAKING of no incidents, I'd like to go on record saying that I think Girardi is acting like a weirdo.

When Tubbo was clearly laboring big time in the 6th inning (and starting to show signs in the 5th, I think), Girardi watched. And watched, and watched. Until the no-spring-chicken pitcher went a good amount beyond the 100 mark.

WHY? Because you're trying to preserve your money bullpen? Who the hell are Cabral, Warren, and Betances that you can't take out your work horse?

The relievers did well, but the damage had already been done. Girardi also had Yangervis throwing down a bunt to lead off, a guy whose batting average looks more like an SAT score.

Sneach is mysteriously in and out of the lineup, even though you should always put him in, ALWAYS, if for no other reason than to facilitate the inevitable moment when Sneach reveals he's not human, by rounding the bases without ever touching the dirt.

GGBG is the pinch hitter with 2 outs in the 9th.

And Brian Roberts, who's batting an anemic .150 or something, remains in play. He is aggressively mediocre.

But apparently so is the rest of the league. As my dad said, "I saw the Yankees were in first..."

Me: "YEAH! Cool, right??"

Dad: "Well, I think everyone's in first, though."

He's right, as usual.

Now let's hope that Girardi snaps out of whatever bizarro delirium he's in. He's managing his team like he's a substitute teacher or something.

(It should be noted that what I know about managing a professional baseball team is based on a resume that boasts approximately zero percent experience in this field. I usually give the dude the benefit of the doubt for this very reason, but I'm now going based on his glassy, vacant stare.)

In fairness, I probably wouldn't like it very much if Girardi started saying shit like "Oh c'MON, Kris! Jesus, what's wrong with this girl? Everyone knows that you gotta make the headline big and you gotta make it red if anyone's gonna pay attention to it! These are poor copywriting decisions that I feel comfortable enough to unequivocally criticize."

Lackey faces off against Kuroda on Saturday, and I'm really looking forward to watching the game on the couch and passing out in the 2nd or 3rd inning and waking up an inning and a half later, with drool dried on my cheek and the afternoon sun coming in the window, and seeing the Yankees have taken a 7-run lead.

Pauca res sum melior quam baseball et somnus.

Woot woot! Yanks take the first of the series with the BIGGEST RIVAL IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, thanks to an absolutely sterling performance from Michael Pineda. Is it weird his first name is Michael and not Miguel? Yes. Yes, I think it is. That's a totally normal, not offensive comment, seriously.

Well, I guess it depends on who you ask. And I mean that in reference to the "sterling performance" comment, since from where I was sitting, it looked pretty badass. From the visitors' dugout, on the other hand, it look pretty "dark."

"Not Miguel" has pine tar on his hand. Or dirt. Or a fundamental demonstration of the shadow and light principles. Or sweat with dirt. I can't really tell. The old pine tar accusation gag, eh. Ha. Red Socks will do anything, ANYTHING I tell you, to win the Who Can Pantomime the Yankees Best? Contest.

Well, nothing really came of the pine tar shit, as far as I can tell, which means ESPN will probably escalate it to cinematic proportions, because how else can a pitcher have a good outing? I mean, just look at this schmuck who spent his career completely irrelevant and then magically has a good outing?

In the aggressive campaign to completely ruin the game of baseball, the ESPN ESPublicRelations are just doing their part, because it's not fair for the instant replay and plate collision rules to do ALL the heavy lifting.

Anyways, the Yankees prevailed despite Not Miguel's insidious crime, not BECAUSE of it. Of course. The Yanks' bullpen didn't implode, which was cute--thank you Cesar Cabral and Phelps. Tomorrow we may hear that John Farrell played the game under protest after accusing the relievers of zapping magic spells on the baseballs.

See, Farrell never even brought up the pine tar. It's basically ESPN being like the bitchy Trouble-Stirrer-Upper in high school who says shit like, "I mean, I don't know if I should say anything, but Tommy looked a little TOO friendly with Kelly last night."

In actual baseball performance news, Nava hit a homerun for the Bean Team, which meant the announcers fell over themselves to relay the apropos stat about Nava being only 1 of 2 players ever to hit a grand slam on his first pitch in the majors ever. Not for nothing, but that IS a pretty ridiculous stat. Even more ridiculous is the fact it's happened more than once.

Continuing along the lines of being magnanimous in victory, I'll give credit again to the Red Socks for a) a couple of sick catches in the outfield and b) for Cheekbones' pitching performance. I don't know why--because his pitches are unassailably filthy--but he just doesn't scare me. You know, there's pitchers like Halladay. Or Lee. Or Darvis. At some point all those guys struck fear into my heart like the sight of Mo struck fear into the hearts of opposing fans in the 9th inning.

But Cheekbones doesn't do that. Probably because I can't get past how his bone structure could cut through glass.


That's it with niceties about the BIGGEST RIVAL IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. Did anyone think Ortiz was dangerously close to pulling a drop-your-bat-and-pause-like-an-asshole-after-going-yard move...when he hit a ground rule double? Asshole. Also, moron. Furthermore, faulty depth perception. Yeah, you heard me, Papi. Your visual acuity's so fat, when it sits around the house, it sits AROUND the house, na wuh im sayin? Yeah, me neiter.

Dear Anna hit a homerun, but unfortunately he didn't grin in wild exuberance when running around the bases. He must have a dad who told him not to celebrate in the end zone and to act like he's been there before.

Yangervis didn't have another 2934 for 2934 game, but had a broken bat shot that culminated in a pretty good play by Nava. Whatever. Sorry, I was too distracted by the weirdass move Yangervis made to like 2nd base which I guess was some kind of lefty shift? But at first I thought our neophyte just forgot what position he played (which would be understandable considering how erratic this whole musical infielders thing has been.)

Also, the Yankees won, so there. And we got your boy Jacoby, who brought in a run. A-So brought in a run, too, in a very A-So way, ie by grounding into a double play.

Fatso starts against Jon "The Red Socks were a bad influence on me. I'd look better in Pinstripes" Lester. The Yanks win. Boston doesn't do well. And their flag remains at the end of the AL East section of the Yankee Stadium façade.

Et hoc est quod Boston habere non possunt quae tincidunt.

The Baltimore Orioles rallied in the 9th the beat the New York Yankees.

This collection of words should only be seen in one place and one place only.

Tanaka was aces tonight, though, despite giving up a quick 3 runs right from the get go (which means we're at 100% with an n of 2, in the developing hypothesis that he's using the ol' Teixeira "Slow Start is Really a Pretty Money Move, Trust Me" playbook.)

He starts off a liitttttle questionable, and then he looks like a million bucks. (Which is technically an insult, I guess, to him. So, let me revise my statement to he starts out looking like a million bucks and then settles down and starts dealing.)

10 Ks from the Japanese guy is impressive. The O's starter is the type of pitcher that most teams salivate over. And when I say "salivate over," I mean that in terms of batting against him. Like cartoon dogs floating in the air hooked to the smell of bacon. Gonzalez is hittable but not toooo hittable to make your overswing. He's really what me and my college housemates would term a NGB. "Nice guy/girl, but...." Eh.

That said, the Yankees aren't most other teams. In fact, they're not ANY of the other teams, as it were. They're the Yankees, so they made this pitcher look like freaking Bob Gibson or something. Except they were hitting him, but not. I don't know how the numbers in this game make sense.

Gonzalez was staked to a 3-0 lead (oh GOOOOOOD for you), and then the Yankees did that thing were they're like "You know what? Let's go ahead of just take a stab at throwing the whole 'run manufacturing' thing to the wind."

The Yankee bats sometimes like to spead their money on scratch off tickets instead of sensible toiletries for the home. That is an analogy and, as far as I know, not something the Yankees actually do.

Kelly Johnson connects for a ding, which brought his average up to a number that I think more closely reflects how I've perceived it to be. A-So drove in a run, which is befuddling but appreciated. Beltran was a stud and went like 2304 for 2304 or something. I'm not sure, but I felt like he was up every other batter, and he was "connecting on all cylinders" as the kids like to say.

Robinson Sheffield forgot to connect on the cylinders, though, and in fairness, I do believe that that particular topic is an upper level cource and hence may require a special trip.

You are still a nice peanut of a stud, Yangervis. So much so that I've waved off my ridiculously intelligent and informed baseball guru Ollie, when he told me that Yangervis Solarte is NOT > Tyler Ross. Hey all things being equal, I'm gravitating towards the weird name. Any additional info on the origin of this name and the correct pronunciation would be appreciated.

You know who isn't being relevant? Brian Roberts.

And you know who hasn't been in the line-up again? Sneach. WTF? This is like when my sis and I were in the same fantasy league, and the commissioner of the league kept offering one BS trade after another for Brandon Phillips, and after I'd turn them down, he'd be all, "What! No, seriously, Amy Smart has like a lot of keeper league value."

Anyways, so my sister offers me something like Jeter and Aramis Ramirez (this was 2008), so I give her Phillips, and she promptly benches him. SOLELY to piss of the commish. He predictably goes ape shit, and she responds by saying: "What. I think he's gotten a big head from all the attention, and I think he needs to spend a few weeks on the bench thinking about how he sees himself as a part of this franchise."

The point being (aside from the fact that this is why chicks shouldn't play fantasy) is that perhaps Girardi is doing something similar to Sneach, BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULDNT YOU PUT THE LITTLE LOONY TUNE ELF IN???!!


Anyways, I don't want to belabor the whole Shawn Kelley screwing us out of our first walk-off chance and marching us into a disappointing game loss as well as a series loss as we head into the Boston series. I do no want to belabor this point because it's 9 games into the season, and I'm guessing that with D-Rob injured, there will be quite a few opporunities to wax cranky about life post-Mo.

Also, speaking of melodramatic: what's worse/worst? The fans running onto the field. The ridiculous amount of attention it got when I thought that was exactly what the game hopes to avoid. Or the disproportionate reaction from Adam "If I can't play like Cobb, maybe my Tom Ripley-ing of him will do the trick" Jones.

Red Sock time. Which means:

Historia summa aemulatio in ludos!


Two day games in a row? Is that normal? Yes, that's what was most notable about the 2nd home game. The fact it was another 1:05 start time. Not the drubbing the Yanks received at the hands of a team whose name is almost always uttered with the same inflection/intonation as someone who says he/she met his/her significant other online. You know what I mean, it's like this staunch loyalty mixed with a slint hint of apologetic sheepishness.

(Oh yeah, no post for the home opener because I was in attendance, and now that I'm at the ripe old age of 33, a day of drinking beer in 40 degree weather in a relatively tight ie intense game, renders me so useless that even when me and my buddies tried to extend the celebration to a bar post-game, I  realized I had exactly enough energy left in me to get home, do laundry, and google "how to plant tomato seeds." And even that was an overestimate, since I never made it to the google.)

So after beating the Orioles in a tight game on Monday, I returned to work Tuesday and patched together a game-viewing experience through a variety of media, because no one likes an employee who parks herself in the kitchen and changes "Law & Order" to a Yankee game.

Opening Day Win.
Actually, I think it's one of those weird workplace standards where it's ok to eat lunch in the kitchen to follow the stories of two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders.

But skipping in with your grilled cheese and getting highly invested in a day game--for whatever reason--can potentially undermine your work ethic.

Whatever, I was very much okay with getting the stoic updates from Gamecast rather than indulging in a depressing film noir showing of a dramatic shots of dejected fans.

And I can count myself lucky, since how much does it suck to go to the trouble of using a day off from work, only to witness Showalter's boys smack us around for 20 hits, seemingly every other one of those a long ball.

Nova didn't last 4 innings even, and got yanked probably later than he should have, but it's not like the bullpen did anything helpful in terms of putting a tourniquet on the run hemorrhaging. Every O got a hit AND a run--ridiculous--which is a quantity matched on by the number of apologies/explanations/self-flagellating deprecation comments that Nova stammered in the post-game.

Unfortunately, he failed to default to the best ever rationale ever given by a Yankee pitcher. Or maybe just ever given by a human being, actually.

I like this breed of TMI better than the the "sinker ball was in the zone, off day, blah blah" TMI. The only person whose little "layman's terms" pitching clinics I really enjoy are those of Al Leiter when he's in the booth.

In the land of silver lining stuff, there's Jacoby who continues to be a better-than-bad-it's-good pick-up. Like, a lot better-than-bad. I hope he doesn't feel like Adam Banks when he got traded to the slow-starting Mighty Ducks.

Then there's Robinson Sheffield who Ollie lol-ed me when I impulsively grabbed him up in fantasy after Game 2. He's putting up a bunch of Kevin Maas-esque binge stats, so at least Elias Sports Bureau is keeping busy.

See?? Tell me you can't see where I'm coming from...
Kelly Johnson had a bomb in the 8th, a quiet one, which is somewhat comical since you know what would happen if Arod had gone yard late in the game when the Yanks were down by 10? Mostly, a lot of vitiol, etc.

I was actually surprised Kelly Johnson's average was as low as it was when it showed up on the Jumbotron at Monday's game. Hasn't he been the requisite John Olerud of the bunch, the put-yout-head-down-and-work-and-do-your-job-satisfactorially-if-not-spectacularly?

Beltran chipped in a ribbie, but when the entire Baltimore line-up is eating pieces of shit sinker balls for breakfast, the luke-warm stabs at run-manufacturing are kind of wasted and all.

You know, eating pieces of shit sinker balls for breakfast probably wouldn't do your stomach any favors.

Oh yeah, and speaking of luke-warm and favors (pause?), Soriano hit a home run. Fantastic. Now he's never going to f'n try to get base hits, like, ever.

And speaking of things that don't happen in ever, Super Mario played 1B today. Normal. Nope. God, please don't let Girardi start tapdancing into the Maddon Scientology School of Management. Please, no.

Anyway, Wednesday's game brings our expensive toy gun to the mound for his first Bronx debut. Not sure how forgiving the stadium's going to be if he gets TANAKA-ED AROUND. Yep, said it. Can't unsay it.

Pulsate pulso. Quis est hic? Tanaka. Tanaka qui? Tanaka, vel no Tanaka. Quod est in quaestione.

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