Yesterday, I got an email from coworker All-Star Alex, who is the greatest.
Subject line: blog fodder.
Email body: This.
Cheers to Alex for making me stutter out gobbledy gook gibberish at 6pm to no one in particular. (Few things are more frustrating in life than the frantic-head-whipping-around-looking-for-someone-to-commiserate-with-only-to-realize-you're-gonna-have-to-let-this-one-register-in-private-and-save-for-later-story-telling situations.)
Does anyone remember when Johnny Damon came over to play for the good guys? I mean, yes, of course everyone remembers his acquisition. I'm talking about his attitude post-acquisition. I remember when Boston was playing the Yankees for the first time after the deal, and they idiot losers from the Beantown bench, were trying to get Damon to come out with them while they were in town. And Damon was all, "no, thanks. No time. I'm with the Yankees now."
Which some may see at Benedict Arnold-y, but people who see it like that are people who don't understand the concept of business ethics.
YOU JOIN A NEW TEAM...you're ON a new team. That's how it works. You're not a Red Sock anymore. Get over it. Or don't play. Or, to take a highly controversial and hotly contested page from my mom's book: "Either do it with a good spirit, or don't do it at all." (Never a good idea to offer a reluctant child or husband anything with an opt-out clause of "not doing it at all.")
But, in this case, that's what I want to tell Youk. So far, not so impressed.
"I'll always be a Red Sock," Youkilis said. "To negate all the years I played for the Boston Red Sox, and all the tradition, you look at all the stuff I have piled up at my house and to say I'd just throw it out the window, it's not true. Those were great years in Boston. One bad half-year doesn't take away from all the great years I had there." (courtesy espn.com)
Actually, my favorite part of that article is when they're talking about the famously feuding couple, Joba and Youk.
"Although Chamberlain said the two have exchanged text messages, they have yet to speak face-to-face."
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! Amazing!! How has no one pulled the LUDs for their cells yet??
"wuts good yo"
"ur shits seriusly staying hear?"
"ur fucking dead at the plate."
"boston bitch. ROTFL."
I read once that Joba sends like 200 texts a day. He was really proud of it, like how he texts faster than he pitches. Because, you know, that's what the Yankees are paying him for. The dexterity of his sausage fingers against an iphone keypad.
I mean, I'm assuming he has an iPhone, but I really don't see how this ia physically possible, since I'm imagining that texting on those confetti-sized iPhone keys, using fingers that could double as inflatable bowling bumpers...is probably something akin to this:
Anyways, so Youk is already pissing everyone off. He's going to get bitchslapped so fast that Joba won't even be able to text about it in real time. Seriously. I kind of wouldn't be 100% averse to a Full Metal Jacket type of beating here, just to send Youk a message. And anything that involves soap wouldn't really be a bad thing for him, either.
Get over it, assclown. You're in New York. Shut up and play.
|THERE YOU ARE, HAT!|
"THE HAT" is back in my clutches. After 2 years of searching endlessly for it, hours every day googling every avenue possible, contacting the manufacturer, begging random strangers to let me buy it from them...it all came to a glorious conclusion yesterday, right in time for Pitchers and Catchers Day.
Which means I am awarding a preemptive season MVP to PinnacleHeadwear.
I got a good feeling about this season.
|Mariano Rivera was being very brave.|
But this may be the first year in recent years where such a contention isn’t like saying “I bet it snows this winter!” so much as it’s like saying, “I bet my cat becomes an integral element of the new Cirque du Soleil production!”
Yep, that’s how it works, Chris! I’d love to have him in the office. “Um, boss? I see NOTHING in my job description about having to stay past 5. I mean, I’ll see what I can do. But that’s extra.”
But he is right. I just have to tread lightly because someone else I know (cough..Laur…cough) may have significantly dissenting opinion on the matter.
Yeah, so how much does it suck to be a Yankee decision-maker right now?
(STOP. I’m already hearing, “YEAH, POOR GUYS RAKING IN SO MUCH MONEY BLAH BLAH ETC. Just..stop.)
I mean, look at what they’re up against:
(Hilariously, the Rockies were like, “Umm why don’t you just be our hitting coach, mmkay? How about that?” And Giambi said, “Nah, I’m good!” Kind of like in My Cousin Vinny when Vinny’s all, “Maybe it’s time for a thicker pair of glasses,” and 84-year Mrs. Riley says, “No, no. I think they ok.”)
It’s hard to corroborate the whole “buy their team” nonsense if they’re going to be described as “cost-cutting.”
(Yes..geez..their cost-cutting payroll is still large etc etc, but back off haters! You non-New Yorkers get to live in HOUSES with yards and rooms and space for like nothing. So you get a cheaper baseball team. Call it even.)
"There was nothing cheap about Kuroda's contract or Pettitte's contract! I mean, I don't know. Sometimes I have to scratch my head.'' (You’re not the only one, Hal.)
Honestly, though, let's call a spade a spade here. It’s the freaking Yankees, for God’s sake. OBVIOUSLY, they are going to be in the playoffs. Their pitching and bullpen are great. (Oh my God, who is this team? I’m so confused.)