"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

New York, NY—After a surprising turn of events in Week 17, the New England Patriots- preseason favorites to reach the Super Bowl at 2-1 odds-are finding themselves with an unexpected surplus of free time on their hands. To minimize post-traumatic shock, the Pats have sought counsel from the New York Yankees, who missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 years. 

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick led his team to an 11-5 record, despite the crushing loss of their star QB, but were ultimately knocked out of playoff contention when the Miami Dolphins defeated the New York Jets to give Miami the division title.

“I think the plays are made on the field, and that’s all you can do. We had a good year, and we did what we could. It all falls under the umbrella of hard work and dedication.” Belichick said in an emotional [sic] press conference.

Belichick then confirmed that New England’s head offices had contacted the New York Yankees to schedule a consultation. “The New York Yankees are a great franchise. I greatly respect their level of play and hard work. We feel their recent experience in being excluded from their playoff birthright is similar to what we’re going through now, and we’re hoping to schedule a consultation as soon as possible.”

The Yankees, considered by most to be the most successful franchise in all of sports, were unavailable for comment yesterday, as they were holding press conferences to introduce their latest blockbuster acquistion, 1B Mark Teixiera. A spokesman for the Yankees said earlier last week that the team "is certainly interested in meeting with Belichick. He's an accomplished coach, and we're hoping that we can offer some valuable guidance during this difficult time."

Topics on the agenda that are scheduled to be covered during the conference include:

• How to get around the NFL salary cap
  
• Deflecting blame onto factors out of the team's control
  
• Rationalizing the loss and trivializing teams currently in title contention
  
• Overpromoting other city teams, such as the NBA's Celtics and NHL's Bruins, to deflect attention
  
• Blacking out playoff coverage on local television networks
  

Belichick indicated he was preparing for the meeting by leveraging the Indianapolis Colts' early playoff loss. "The league's MVP was knocked out by an 8-8 team, and my 11-5 team was denied adminission to the post-season. I think we can all agree this belies the validity of the current playoff system."