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"Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons." --Manny Ramirez

Will I ever be able to pinpoint exactly what I love most about the news breaking that Manny Ramirez, God to the Idiots/Legend to the Sux/Steroidal linchpin of the only WS titles Boston has in the past 90 years?

No, probably not. It'd be like trying to pick a favorite Family Guy clip.

It's not easy to plow through the ungodly amount of work piling on my desk when not only is my head teetering on exploding, but my equally jovial friends are all engaged in an ever-expanding demonstration of exactly how creative Yankee fans can be when it comes to crucifying the enemy.

Since the story changes every time I return from the printer, I'll have to dissect this carefully. Starting with the fact that Manny's averring that he never took steroids, he just took whatever his doc gave him. (The phrase "your word against his" may denote a stalemate in every situation OTHER than when it refers to the original braindead MLB-er vs a board certified physician. It'd be like Joey Lawrence claiming he just asked Stephen Hawking if he could borrow his 2nd edition of "A Brief History of Time" and Hawking allegedly gave him child pornography instead.)

So assuming Manny was totally clueless about what the sinister physician was prescribing, and that Manny had, in fact, just gone to the doctor for a "health issue," Manny should be prepared to address what this health issue is that would necessitate women's fertility drugs.

WHICH MEANS, Manny must either claim he's trying to get pregnant. Or that he can't get it up. Or whatever the health issue actually was. Either way, he's gonna be killed, and done so with copious amounts of glee.

But it turns out, Manny has bigger fish to fry than starting a family with HCG:

USA Today reports:

"A different MLB official said Ramirez was notified in April that he had tested positive and initially appealed the ruling but dropped it in the past 24 hours. Both officials spoke on condition of anonymity because he had not been authorized to speak publicly on the matter."

God forbid anyone else's name on the mysterious Steroid List should be made public and steal A-Rod's thunder. I guess being in bed with the media and VPs can only do so much before you're caught red-handed. (And not for nothing, but what made ManRam-ManBoobs think that he could ever evade any kind of law? He's not exactly packing the type of mental faculties that would enable someone to outwit authorities. I don't think he could outsmart a Zagnut bar.)

Most fascinating of all is observing how Boston fans are starting to accept the truth that, indeed, they're running out of stones to throw, as the walls of their glass house continue to grow higher. The Beanbiciles have gone from wildly flapping their arms about, screeching about the juiced rings tainting the Yankee legacy to, "Well, um let's wait to see how the news plays out. Boy, crazy world we live in, huh!"

Topics that now cannot be leveraged into Anti-Yankee diatribes

Face it, Boston. You're a joke.

Or to use the most commonly uttered apostrophe in the state of Massachusetts:

You have to admit...* you guys suck.

But hey, your realization of your own hypocrisy is another man's relief. Manny has given a lot of people reason for pause, some more than others.

Most slighted: Brett Favre
"I'M UNRETIRING FOR THE 17th TIME AND YOU'RE GOING TO DEVOTE EVERY INCH OF PRINT SPACE TO THIS DOUCHE? Screw this. I'm staying retired. Serious this time. Don't try to call me, because I don't want to talk to you. Or tweet me or text me either."

More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs: The endless crew of douchebags Manny used to call teammates who are just waiting for Manny to pull the ultimate Manny Being Manny and sell them all out

Biggest head (pun sort of intended): Jose Canseco
I don't know if I think he's perceptive so much as I think he's started to suspiciously resemble young Bif.

Most warily relieved because he knows in less than 24 hours, something worse will befall him when he tiptoes off the DL: Alex Rodriguez

Most opportunistically intrigued: Erectile Dysfunction pharmaceutical marketers--a big name athlete who is handcuffed to the ED stigma should he use it as the backbone of his innocence plea? Jackpot.

Busiest: Whatever intern has to do a find and replace search for "Alex Rodriguez--> Manny Ramirez" in the AP news reel.

Fastest beeline to weight room: Orlando Hudson, who no longer will have the luxury of being seated behind Manny in the lineup. Unless he, Furcal, and Ethier want their BAs to deflate faster than a Boston fan's arsenal of steroid jokes, they're logging in some face time with the batting cages.

Angriest: Easy. Fantasy Owners. This ranks up there with Tom Brady's season-ending (but seriously, it's career-ending. hehe) slip on Day 1. Whether it's the little bitch limping off the field or the disgusting oaf getting a 50-day unpaid vacation, I'm thrilled I don't have to look at either of them for a while.

Happiest!: Do I even need to go through it? I don't know who's happier actually...Yankee fans or Giants (SF) fans. Probably Yankee fans though. It's 1:26am, I'm still at office, I'm having some kind of allergic reaction to the air in here which is making me wheeze a lot, and I haven't eaten since the 3 bags of Cheez-Its for lunch. And yet I feel this palpable sense of moral victory and karmic retribution and general happiness over this whole mess. (Yeah, it sucks for baseball, etc. Whatever. Manny did 'roids. Awesome.)

Most defensive: More specifically than the general Boston sect of suck, is the bright crop of morons who embraced Manny Being Manny, championed his value, and maintained their undying allegiance to #24 because his idiocy was so refreshing. These are the same imbeciles who bought into the whole "Manny doesn't cash his checks because he just loves the sport THAT MUCH" PR job. The guys who acted holier-than-thou, ironically, when it came to extolling his virtues, because "what you see is what you get with him!"

Congrats, guys. Not a lot of people ever come close to reaching our heroes' levels for which they're adored. But you? Your staunch celebration of sloppy play and dishonorable behavior has brought you on par with your boy's unparalleled nadirs of complete vacancy and imbecility. Be proud.

Most delusional: Anyone who doesn't realize how profoundly this casts doubt on any title won with a proven juicer.
It's only a matter of time before the media bores of proving the Yankees are the center of all things drug use, and starts sniffing around other high profile teams. And if it were me hunting down the pulsating nest of steroids, I'd start with the team that put Manny on the map...and you're entertaining delusions of grandeur if you think for a second that the rest of bobbleheads in his old stomping ground aren't jacked up on roids. Completely delusional.

And this is coming from someone who earlier today hypothesized that the Yanks would play better if I stopped treating my body like an amusement park.

Enjoy the media circus, Massholes. I look forward to laughing off whatever irrational retort is lined up on your Obsession with NY queue.

* What is it with New Englanders and "you have to admit"? It would be one thing if they used it to broach phrases like, "You have to admit...2004 was pretty f'n amazing." (Yes) or "You have to admit...A-Rod is a shitty husband." (Yes) But they don't use it in this context, they use it in the most unadmittable clauses, i.e. "You have to admit...the Yankees cheated their way to a dynasty" or "You have to admit...Boston is the best city." Hey, Boston? Be more fucking stupid.


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