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In many ways, not the best week of the 2010 season. Aside from the fact I was having a difference of opinion with the flu (it thought I should be sick, I disagreed), the Yanks were battling their own afflictions. Specifically, the act of not winning.

After taking a dramatic one against the Sox to start the week, they lose the next 3, and—gulp—lost a series to the NY B-Squad. I can’t even think about that without feeling the rancid taste of vomit crawl up my throat.

Speaking of things crawling up to the top, the Rays resume their spot at the pinnacle. (Sorry, Toronto fans.) And the Yanks slip down, despite most other rankings’ insistence they’re still the 2nd best team in the game. This may be so, but last week certainly was no indication of that. Last week was mainly an indication that I need to hide the sharp objects.

14. O’s (14)
As bored as most people are of hearing me lionize the Yankees, that’s how bored I am of providing expository copy on why the O’s are in last. Again.

13. Royals (13)
Zack Greinke gave up 9 hits in 3 innings in yesterday’s game against the Rockies. I don’t know who I feel worse for: him for being battered around like a half-dead rodent, a mere year after he was in charge. Or his team, for having to live with the guilt of dragging the young star’s potential down to a level of the food chain on par with protozoa.

12. Mariners (12)
Wasn’t there a time when this team was picked to carve up the AL West like it was a chain saw in jello? Barring Ichiro, their offense is just sad. They’re batting .236 and have 300% fewer homeruns than the league leader.

11. Southsiders (11)
It’s really splitting hairs with Seattle when it comes to most pathetic bats. Actually, between the two of them, it makes you wonder about the origin of the word “offensive.” Because, honestly, that’s the best word I can think of to describe their complete lack of it.

10. Tribe (10)
They’re LUCKY I placed them as far up as I did. Their top batter is sporting a .308 BA. They basically suffer from the same problem as Seattle. If not for the plucky power of their surprisingly productive Shin Soo Choo, they’d be shooting down a Slip and Slide of offensive oblivion.

9. A’s (8)
To be clear, I think there’s a big gap between the #10-14 spots and Oakland. To be clear again, I still think Oakland sucks, perfect game anomaly notwithstanding. They’ve won their last 3 and are just 2 out of the AL West leader spot, but let’s call a spade a spade. Being 2nd best in the West is like being 12 out in the WNBA.

8. Halos (7)
What the hell happened to this team? I mean, this is NY’s Achilles Heel team, and frankly, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that. I think the loss of Lackey is really setting in—they have the 2nd highest ERA in the league (4.76) and with that kind of defense, even their .251 BA won’t hold them up. Yeah, that’s right. 251. The Angels, who at one point couldn’t keep the ball in the park if they TRIED, are barely dinking their way through the games.

7. BoSox (9)
After getting shut down by Cole Hamels, Boston won the next 2 against the NL East-leading Phils. I just got off the phone with my coworker buddy, and you know Boston’s in bad shape when I’m saying things like, “No, no, you know what? They got a great offense, I’m sure they’ll get it together.” And you know someone’s from Boston when he says things like, “Whatever, at least the Celts are championships contenders, I’m over the Sox season.” Ah, Fenway Faithfuls, indeed.

6. Rangers (6)
Yeah, they lead their division. And you know what, they’re actually pretty good. They’re in the top 8 of most offensive categories, and they’re pitching improves with every game. They really shouldn’t have any problem sitting pretty at the top of the West. It just seems like wasted talent, to have Vlad, Cruz, Young, Kinsler, Andrus…and not be more frighteningly good. They’ll be in trouble when they have to play legitimate contenders if they can’t figure out how to leverage team chemistry.

5. Tiggers (4)
They’re actually not as good as the Rangers, but the way they play at home is outstanding. No one other than the Rays knows how to treat their city’s fans to exciting homestands. If that’s not reason enough to move to Detroit, I don’t know what is.

4. World Series Champions (3)
Apparently the Yankees only have about 6 different types of games loaded into their playlist. Because the last week saw wins and losses so eerily similar that I seriously had to keep checking to make sure I was watching a live game and not an encore presentation. Mo blew a few saves, more people got hurt. The Yanks have some big crosses to bear if they want to emulate the juggernauts that won the title last year. However, they still manage to lead the league in runs, while holding their opponents to very few.

3. Twinkies (5)
They just don’t make many mistakes. In my book, that’s one of (if not THE) most critical component to success. Another way to look at it (and in a less rosy light) is being meticulous is a good way to compensate for a lack of charisma. I haven’t decided yet which is more inclined for greatness.

2. J’s (1)
They swap places with the Rays this week, but still demonstrate that their offense is outstanding. They’re actually in the bottom half of the league in terms of hits, but their power more than makes up for it. They’re in the #2 spot right now, but take it from someone who’s well-versed in having a slugging team who can’t manufacture runs and with meh pitching: it’ll take you far, and trick the fans, but it’s ephemeral. Get your rotation tighter, and then we’ll talk.

1. [Devil] Rays (2)
Yeah, yeah. “The Rays are for real, they’re the team to beat, etc etc. Young talent! they can’t lose! Watch out, league!” Whatever. They have a whole week of home games lined up, and call me crazy, but I think playing in the Trop will work to our advantage. I mean, it’s the beginning of the summer…how can you play indoors for an extended period of time? Here’s to seasonal affective disorder kicking in!


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