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I don't know where to begin with this one.

For the second time in a row, I stupidly relied on my memory and not my moleskin book, to keep track of all my thoughts during the game. I've been doing this a lot lately, thinking to myself, "Ok, make a mental note to remember this. Mind over matter. You won't forget, don't worry. Just remember to think of that thing you have to remember."

And yeah, that doesn't work. At all. So frustrating.

Tomorrow it's back to the moleskin with a pen speared through ponytail.

So we're gonna attack this bulleted list style. For some reason, bulleting points is kind of like saying "no offense" right before you say something offensive. Just as that absolves you of being offensive, bulleting things absolves you of incoherence.

Here we go:

  • FRANCISCO CERVELLI. #29. Hell of an f'n game (the 29th one, incidentally). After goin 3 for 4, with 5 RIBBIES, he's now batting .429. My mom loves this little plotline. She wants soo badly for this to have some Drew Bledsoe/Tom Brady type of outcome. He's fantastic. And one thing I DO remember but didn't write down was John Sterling saying "That Francisco Cervelli. He just does everything right."

  • My mom, btw, has like an encylopedic knowledge of every Yankee's personal bio, yet probably couldn't tell what position they played. And of course, she doesn't hold stuff like slumps or base-running gaffs etc against a player. Just their marital status. Like after Teixeira hits HR #2, she says, "Yeah, but he's married." As if to say, "Well, don't get too attached to him because he's OFF THE MARKET."

  • I've never seen CC Sabathia that aggravated ever. Even though in the postgame, Tex adamantly informs the bubbling idiot with the microphone, "NO. CC is NOT mad at all. Not at all." Riiigghht. I mean, why would he be? He's one strike away from getting a win. ONE STRIKE. He's mid f'n motion, and the ump calls time. WAS THAT NECESSARY? WAS IT? Couldn't you have waited til after the batter? Was there really any kind of imminent danger that delaying the delay would have facilitated? No. The whole thing is desperately suspect.

  • First the whole Beckett going to town on the inside pitching yesterday. Then the mid-motion game calling today. If I didn't know any better, I'd think the ump had Boston-rooting relatives. Just a theory...

  • Clay Buchholz, one of the only Sox starters with a quasi respectable ERA, managed to somehow annoy the shit outta me, even despite having a complete absence of personality. It's hard to actively dislike someone when they seem to have a personality of recycled milk cartons. But everyone who knows me knows that after mess/disorganization, nothing irritates me more than slow walkers. Or just sluggish in general. Slow talkers. Slow movers. PICK UP THE PACE.

  • So watching Buchholz pitch was a sadomasochistic exercise. The game started at 3. I had to be at my parents place for dinner, and half of me wanted to just wait til the game was over to head out there. I left my apartment at 4 and got there little after 6, and the game hadn't even seen the light of the 5th inning. You can blame the rain as much as you want, but this was the handiwork of a pitcher who moves with the urgency of a Bahamas tour guide.

  • Then, because we needed to make up for “lost” time yesterday, (and by lost time, I mean the fact the game was only 3 hours), we had a rain delay for an hour and a half or something. I have it on good authority that even prior to the game starting, Boston fans weren’t going to be too broken hearted if the game got PPD on account of rain.

  • Ok, I hate Boston as much as the next Yankee fan, and I love harassing them, but I gotta admit, as a Yankee fan who’s well-versed in the practice of slow first halves of seasons, I really think the entire Red Sox fanbase is overreacting here. Yeah, they’re in 4th place, and yeah they’re not even playing above .500 at this point. Yes their defense is atrocious, their starters playing like little more than D3 college guys. Yes they have about as much chemistry as the Gyllenhal siblings, and as much structure as a bag of Easter basket grass.

  • Actually, all of that is pretty bad. Nevermind, forget what I said about overreacting. I was going to say that the Yanks were in last place for the first part of last season, but they were a different story. They were just like one of those of those weird metal puzzle things that you just have to fiddle with for long enough and then everything comes into place.

  • That train of thought I just had reminded me of this Family Guy scene:

    Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
    Mayor West: Oh my.
    Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
    Mayor West: I see.
    Doctor: What in god's name were you trying to prove?
    Mayor West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
    Doctor: Well thats just silly.
    Mayor West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes. [long pause]

  • The Sux went through 5 relievers, who gave up 8 runs. Manny Delcarmen, quite improbably, was the only guy who was ERA free on the day. Ramirez came in for one batter and promptly gave up a homerun, Shoenweis padded his ERA to a plump 8.76, and Daniel Bard—who I HATE because I got so sick of hearing about his stupid fastball—used 12 pitches to give up 2 hits and a run.

  • Jonathan Van Every has bigger fish to fry than the fact he can barely record outs. Like the fact “Jonathan Van Every” sounds like someone “Dallas Braden” and “Tobi Stoner” and “Antonio Bastardo” would have beef with on “Days of Our Lives.” He should really consider shortening it to Jon, and he’d probably be slightly less of a clown with an ERA of 18.00.

  • Our bullpen, on the other hand, have up ZERO RUNS. Even with D-Rob in there! I’m glad he didn’t plate anyone today. The kid has probably close to depleted his confidence stores, so this maybe helped a little. Aces got the win, since that’s what Aces does. (10 win decisions in a row! Longest streak in majors.) Honestly, though, he seems to like fall into these wins. I feel like a lot of them were the function of a strong outing from a starter that just couldn’t quite qualify as a win. Also, Aces left because he was hurt.

  • In the past 2 games, the following players have gotten injured:
    -Nick Johnson
    -Ramon Ramirez
    -Ramiro Pena (after embarrassingly tripping over his bat. He stayed in the game though.)

  • I’d say, is there something in the water, but we already know that indeed there IS something screwy with their water. When did everyone become so fragile?

  • CC plunked Pedroia, and McCarver acted like this was on par with genocide or something, and the moron dismisses innocent Beckett’s rampant drilling as totally accidental. All of them. This, however, is NOTHING compared to the monument to idiocy that was their “plural of dove” tangent.

  • First of all, their weird fixation with the doves on the field was bordering on LSD-like. That kind of random trance (rance?) is only acceptable if it’s the 15th inning or something. Then delirium is expected.

  • Second of all, WHY WOULD THE “PLURAL OF DOVE” BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN DOVES? I don’t get this. I could understand if they were musing over the singular form of Red Sox or something. But am I missing something, or has the plural form of dove ever actually been called into question? Why wouldn’t it be doves? My dad was starting to have the same reaction as me, though, which eventually morphed into morbid curiosity. “Ok, go google it, Kris.”

    “I cannot find a single thing on the internet that would in any way suggestion even remote ambiguity concerning the plural of this word. And I can find ANYTHING on the internet. Doves. That’s it.”

    “Well, it looks like McCarver came to this conclusion without the help of the internet. He said it’s doves because of the Prince song.”

    So, so it’s safe to say that the Fox announcers at this point are just actively trying to engender assassins.

  • Listening to the two of them is not a whole lot different than this.

  • They underwhelm me with their objectivity. They overwhelm me with their routine rejection of fundamental sense.

  • It’s weird that Tex and Arod have the 2 lowest BAs of all the regular starters. .207 and .276 respectively. This is fantastic. Because (knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood) we can assume these guys will finish the year well above .300. So the fact that this is what they’re batting now is tremendous. Because it just means that their league-leading .822 OPS is only going to get more ridiculous.

Tomorrow, AJ faces off against the opposite of AJ, meaning Johnny Even Tempered. Lester’s numbers don’t indicate he’s the best performer on the Sox, but you just have to know this pitcher to realize he’s one of the best lefties in the game. It won’t be easy, but one ace does not a defense make.

A sweep would be a great mother’s day present, too, btw.

For now, it’s sleep time. Something about coming home to my parents’ place always renders me powerless in the face of my whole aversion to sleep thing.

Another great win, Yankees! Let’s kick them when they’re down tomorrow! Remember, Cano’s still ailing. This is not the time for relenting. Never stop fighting ever.

As Satchel Paige once said, “Don’t look back. Someone may be gaining on you…”


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