"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

The subway embodies the fast-paced lifestyle and convenient access that saturates New York City. It also highlights the unadulterated evil in people. (I'm playing it pretty fast and loose with the word "evil," as it can include anything from barrelling onto the train before everyone has finished getting off...to being too fat and taking up too much space...to trying out all your ringtones.)

Similarly, the All Star Game embodies the burgeoning talent and ambition that saturates our pasttime. It also highights the evils of the game. And the fans.

To be clear, I can't stand the All Star Game and the Home Run Derby. And how often do I ever find fault with anything Great American Pasttime-related? Almost never. Outside of my family/friends/God, baseball is the best thing in the entire world.

(Breakfast is up there, too.)

As far as I can tell, the only benefit is that it gives the Yankees that nice little "just wait til after the break" checkpoint, when they're not doing so hot and the fans are ready to impale themselves on sharpened bats.

I swear I'm not just saying all this because the American League is currently two grand slams worth of runs behind the National League. You know you're young when you still use half intervals to communicate your age, and you know you're in trouble when you're using grand slam units to conceive a comeback.

No, that's not why I'm saying it. I'm pretty sure I've always maintained the not-too-uncommon mentality that if the ASG is going to determine something as significant as home field advantage, then it needs to be decided by a more regimented voting system than fan popularity.

The amount of Don't Forget to Vote! emails I get from mlb.com and yankees.com is staggering, and they begin circa February or something.

Basically the equivalent of showering your classmates with cupcakes when you're running for class president.

Whatever, the Yankees always have a bajillion players on the ASG roster for the same reason my sister's fantasy team is 99% Yankees: The Yankees are good. Why shouldn't they be on the team?

I also HATE having to watch the Yankees be all chummy with the Red Socks. Although this year I guess it's just Ortiz. I don't care how much is said about what a great guy he is and how he's just a big teddy bear. He's shady, whiny, and passive aggressive.

Last night, there was the home run derby, which kills me because we spend the lion's share of the year either fighting off steroid accusations or narrowing our eyes at any sudden surge in performance, with roids racing to the forefront of our minds almost immediately. But then for 1 day, it's ok to be a ridiculous power hitter. It's the TOPS! It's exciting.

Then the next day, it's back to "SERIOUSLY CAN SOMEONE PLEASE STICK A PEE STICK DRUG TEST IN BAUTISTA'S URINAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."

For the record, why I obviously don't condone steroids, I don't really have the same vicious contempt for it as everyone else.

A.) The Sosa-McGwire season was fueled by the juice, and it also saved the game in the Great Depression that followed the 1994 strike.
2.) Steroids doesn't make you have a good swing. Drugs only enhance what's already there.
D.) There's always gonna be some mitigating factor in the game. It's unavoidable. Sign of the times, etc. Eh, I've argued this point enough. Back to the real evil.

ASG. Home Run Derby. Kansas City.

Yeah, KC. You. Booing Cano? You have got to be f'n kidding me. What did Cano ever do to you? It's not like he Nancy Kerrigan'd Butler out of the running. You're pissed because there are no Royals playing in an exhibition game? How old are you, 8?

You're like the freaking Mets complaining about Dickey's 1-hitter. You got a no-no. You got the ASG game. Now you want the world.

And instead of Selig taking the toy away because obviously no one knows how to play nice, he decides to just change the rules so that the brattiest kid shuts up. I empathize somewhat. When I was coaching soccer, there was always a kid who just flat out refused to be taken out of the game. And what the hell was I gonna do? Throw him over my shoulder and physically remove him?

So instead I was forced to take out one of the more docile players who may or may not have understood that he'll get to go back in the game eventually, but who did honor some degree of respect for authority.

Next year the ASG is at Citi. Which is hilarious for 1000 reasons because Queens may combust from seeing so much talent in one place at the same time. I don't even know if their field is equipped to handle the kind of professional play that Mets' fans have grown accustomed to not seeing ever.

I suppose the booing thing won't be anything new though. I don't even think Mets fans know what they're booing or cheering half the time. They just know they've have a tough life of fandom and they'll react however they damn well please, whenever they damn well want. Fair enough.

So, Kansas City, be thankful that AJ is not a Yankee anymore, because you know that raving psychopath would have fully abandoned interest in the strike zone, in favor of concussing each and every batter, before moving on to the stadium stands.

I wouldn't put it past Ivan Nova though, actually. Something about that guy makes me think he's capable of being a little nuts with the proper coaxing.

Annnd it's the top of the 9th. And the American League All Stars, in all their superior talent, haven't been able to muster up a run. Verlander gave up about a 100 hits and runs. And Melky Cabrera is probably the game's MVP. Yeah, everything's totally normal here.

And KC...c'mon. You're better than that. But Billy Butler is not better than Cano.

And, hey, the ASG doesn't mean anything. It's all in good fun. Exhibition game. NBD.

Good thing this doesn't count for anything, yeah?

Enough of this communist crap. Let's get back to real baseball.