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Yesterday, I got an email from coworker All-Star Alex, who is the greatest.

Subject line: blog fodder.
Email body: This.

Cheers to Alex for making me stutter out gobbledy gook gibberish at 6pm to no one in particular. (Few things are more frustrating in life than the frantic-head-whipping-around-looking-for-someone-to-commiserate-with-only-to-realize-you're-gonna-have-to-let-this-one-register-in-private-and-save-for-later-story-telling situations.)

Does anyone remember when Johnny Damon came over to play for the good guys? I mean, yes, of course everyone remembers his acquisition. I'm talking about his attitude post-acquisition. I remember when Boston was playing the Yankees for the first time after the deal, and they idiot losers from the Beantown bench, were trying to get Damon to come out with them while they were in town. And Damon was all, "no, thanks. No time. I'm with the Yankees now."

Which some may see at Benedict Arnold-y, but people who see it like that are people who don't understand the concept of business ethics.

YOU JOIN A NEW're ON a new team. That's how it works. You're not a Red Sock anymore. Get over it. Or don't play. Or, to take a highly controversial and hotly contested page from my mom's book: "Either do it with a good spirit, or don't do it at all." (Never a good idea to offer a reluctant child or husband anything with an opt-out clause of "not doing it at all.")

But, in this case, that's what I want to tell Youk. So far, not so impressed.

"I'll always be a Red Sock," Youkilis said. "To negate all the years I played for the Boston Red Sox, and all the tradition, you look at all the stuff I have piled up at my house and to say I'd just throw it out the window, it's not true. Those were great years in Boston. One bad half-year doesn't take away from all the great years I had there." (courtesy

Actually, my favorite part of that article is when they're talking about the famously feuding couple, Joba and Youk.

"Although Chamberlain said the two have exchanged text messages, they have yet to speak face-to-face."

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! Amazing!! How has no one pulled the LUDs for their cells yet??

"wuts good yo"
"ur shits seriusly staying hear?"
"ur fucking dead at the plate."
"fat motherf-r"
"boston bitch. ROTFL."

I read once that Joba sends like 200 texts a day. He was really proud of it, like how he texts faster than he pitches. Because, you know, that's what the Yankees are paying him for. The dexterity of his sausage fingers against an iphone keypad.

I mean, I'm assuming he has an iPhone, but I really don't see how this ia physically possible, since I'm imagining that texting on those confetti-sized iPhone keys, using fingers that could double as inflatable bowling probably something akin to this:

Anyways, so Youk is already pissing everyone off. He's going to get bitchslapped so fast that Joba won't even be able to text about it in real time. Seriously. I kind of wouldn't be 100% averse to a Full Metal Jacket type of beating here, just to send Youk a message. And anything that involves soap wouldn't really be a bad thing for him, either.

Get over it, assclown. You're in New York. Shut up and play.


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