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"We have fought this fight as long, and as well as we know how. We have been defeated...there is now but one course to pursue. We must accept the situation."

--Robert E. Lee

In anything, any sport, any competition, any team,'re going to ultimately lose more than you win. And I don't mean the battles. I mean the wars. The titles. I was explaining to my coworkers how miserable the first day of the off-season is:

"It's the absolute worst. There is nothing in the world so terrible. There's no emptier, lonelier, or more devastating feeling than the first day of the off-season. That's all there is to it. And I'm not even remotely exagerrating."

"But...what if the Yankees win the World Series?"

"Well, yes, that's the exception. But that happens less often than not."

It's a tough pill to swallow for any fan. But as a Yankee fan, who's well-versed in having anti-fans gunning for her when the Yanks fail, I've tried to hone the art of reacting to losing seasons. And here's the secret: you take your lumps.

When the Yanks make a premature exit from the postseason (or, in the case of last year, no entry into the postseason) and I have to deal with the inevitable, "BWAHHAHA SO WHO ARE THE YANKS PLAYING TODAY?" I respond with:

"No one, they got knocked out of the ALDS and aren't playing any more games."

Or when I'd get, "2004!" I just have to respond, "Ugh, I know. That sucked. But I gotta hand it to the Sox. Pretty amazing."

There is NOTHING an assclown can say to you when you just admit defeat and don't get your feathers ruffled. NOTHING infuriates one of these losers more than not giving them a cranky, bitter reaction. Trust me.

It's like they get all riled up anticipating you to say, "Whatever, you suck." Or they anticipate you ignoring them which eggs them on more, etc. But they do NOT expect you to answer in a level-headed fashion, devoid of emotion.

One thing I NEVER do is talk shit about a team who lost if my team is long gone. (Unless, of course, a fan goes out of his or her way to antagonize me throughout his team's run. Then he better be prepared for hell once he gets knocked off the ladder.)

So, it's always surprising to me that there are still actually people who are riproaring furious about the Yankees winning. GET. OVER. IT.



If you want to make this entire off-season easier on yourself, it would undoubtedly behoove you to just suck it up, and accept that the Evil Empire struck back. And lemme let you in on a little something here: you can rant and rave about payroll as much as you want. But the fact of the matter is, we don't give a shit. Because we won, and when you whine, all we hear is this.

The top complaints I've been hearing all stem from one of these core buckets of douchery:
1.) Payroll
2.) Like it matters, stop acting like you've waited so long when it's only been 9 years
3.) YOU did nothing to help the team, stop acting like you did something
4.) Bandwagon fans
5.) Cheaters

I'll probably at some point go into why each of these reasons is more absurd than the last, but right now, I just want to pose a more general overarching query that supercedes all of these monuments to idiocy:

What does this buy you?

I'd say 95% of the people perpetuating these bitter sore-loser parades are not even Phillies fans. I haven't heard ONE SINGLE PHILLY FAN say anything other than "congratulations." Which means all of these livid baseball "fans" are just people incensed that the Yankees didn't lose.

I know there are always gonna be people rooting against the Yanks, and I don't agree with it (obviously), but when there's a game going on, at least these losers can mask their hate in the pretense of rooting FOR our opponents. But right now, we have none. Baseball's over. So what these people are doing is just a full-out, essentially unprovoked attack (and a wildly fruitless one, at that) on a team that they just don't like.

Yankee fans are besides themselves with joy right now. We're thrilled. If your team has ever won a championship, you know that feeling. And you know nothing compares to it. Now, what in GOD'S NAME does it get you to try desperately to trivialize this? Do you think it'll change the outcome of the series? Do you think we're less euphoric because a legion of losers is throwing stones? If anything, it just makes it sweeter.

Do you think a single Yankee fan in the world right now is thinking, "Wait, wait, wait. Holy shit. Hold on for a second, guys. Are you hearing this?? Oh God. STOP THE PRESSES. STOP THE PARADE. Crap. It turns out the Yankees bought their team?? And didn't even deserve to win??"

Sorry, couldn't hear you over all the WINNING.

I've read (I think) almost everything I could get my hands on about the World Series. I've collected every last commemorative newspaper cover and special edition pull out, to decorate the large barren wall above my couch.

And in my travels, I've seen more than a fair share of enraged fans. While most comments are a dime a dozen ("Congratulations on buying a championship"), there are a few that stand out more notably than others. So I present:

The Top 5 Best and Worst Reactions to the Yankees World Series (from non-Yankee fans)



2.) Email from a Sox fan: "Congratulations! they finally came through and did it!! It was like deja vu again watching Matsui beat up on Pedro after getting him to 0-2 like the good ol days. Hope you have a great time celebrating all weekend!!"

3.) (Because its begruding nature is hilarious)

4.) Email from a DIEHARD Red Sox fan, one that even works for them: "A congratulation is in order! CONGRATULATIONS! Call me later and tell me about the parade! :) "

5.) Text message from a Philly fan: "I owe you dinner. Italian next week, oh gracious winner? :o)"

Worst Reactions

1.) A very nonclever, poorly written, weird attempt at...parody? Satire? No one can say for sure. You'd think that since they've been free since mid October, having won the same number of playoff games as the Orioles, that Sox fans would have a little bit more time to work on something.

2.) Um, considering the 2007 Sox had the highest payroll of any WS champion, I don't know if they should really opt to go down this avenue...

3.) Pathetic.

4.) From Rachel Maddow: “It’s cathartic for me. I enjoy fighting with Yankee fans,” Maddow joked. And on that recent World Series win? “Well, Yankees cheat, so I’m not disappointed . . . When you cheat, sometimes you win,” she laughed.


(But as I mentioned yesterday, this is a guy who likened my Christmas card to terrorist activity, saying "a picture of the Tyree catch is like looking at a picture of the burning towers." So, all things considered, his sarcastic wish to plague Yankee fans with swine flu is less insidious than originally perceived.)

So, think about it anti-fans. Maybe life would be a lot easier for you if you just accepted you role. Because all this constant whining and blatantly bitter misery is just making you look like bigger losers than you already are.

Tomorrow I'll tackle all this nonsensical drivel you're tossing out, just because it's not baseball season and I have the time to do so. But I will say that I think you're right when you say the Yanks cheated:

I think they actually paid their players to win the game!

1 Comment:

  1. Bret said...
    There's some major league tools out there that love to cry over Boston's early departure from the Postseason.
    Too Damn Bad. We've been there before. Now it's their turn to deal with it.

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