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Oh, hello.

So, yeah, I’ve been about as prolific as that elf in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer who wanted to be a dentist. (Not for nothing, but Hermey had a decent labor suit in his back pocket if the whole med school thing didn’t pan out.)

Yep, you guessed it, I’ve been using this time to study orthodontics!
Jk, I’ve been on a break in a non Ross-Rachel way, since my dad became sick last October. I don't want to go too into it, but suffice to say he's tackled it the way he’s tackled everything in his life: “Ok, tell me what I have to do, and let’s just get it done.” As if he’s talking about refinancing a car. He's the most amazing person I'll ever know.

And still, never ceases to awe me (as evidenced by the fact he took 15th out of 150 in a poker tourney at Foxwoods last week. WHAT WHAT. I like to brag about my dad because he makes me proud to know him.)

Okay, that said...But I digress (ah, I missed typing that.) From what I'm digressing, I'm not quite sure, but historically, if I'm blogging, I'm digressing, so I'm playing the odds here.

I figured I’d poke my head in, amid the Non-Yankee-Playoff, since I made a field trip to the Mothership today. It was sort of like making a pilgrimage to the old drinking haunt that you havent frequented since, oh I don’t know, the manager skipped off to sail the high seas. And you’re thinking, “man, I wonder if anything’s changed in my absence.”

Yeah, I entertained the notion that the Yankee Clubhouse changed in my absence. ßeither I’m rusty, or that sentence is impossible to construct with the connotation of sarcasm I’m aiming for.

(HOWEVAH, they don’t sell the worn in blue fitted Yankee caps no mo’! Double U Tee Eff, How is anyone supposed to establish him or herself firmly in true fandom if his or her hat is impossibly color-saturated??  Also—apparently using “impossibly” to modify color made a dominant showing in the Pollina punnet square.)
Not impossibly brown, Mom, since they exist.

My trip to the Yankee Clubhouse was not without incident as the entire freaking block was taped with crime scene tape. You can imagine my excitement since my first thought was Dear Diary, I’ve finally walked onto a Law & Order set! Love, Kris. As my fellow traveller Marty rightly noted, “Yeah you need a lot of juice to be able to shut down Times Square in themiddle of the day.” True dat.
I don’t think even Mariska Hagartay has that kind of clout, but someone threatening to jump off the top of Madam Toussad’s Wax Museum does. Yeah, that’s right. The tourists for once had their cameras aimed as an actual thing, as opposed to a skyscraper. And as a result, there was no way to get to the Yankee store. After all my years of toiling away in Zelda labyrinths, even I couldn’t find a way around the crime scene tape.

(Crime scene tape has been like the red rose petals of American Beauty…seems to keep quasi-poignantly popping up. And by quasi-poignantly, I mean an N of 2. Today, and also a few weeks ago when I tried to scare whoever was breaking onto my roof with this well-thought out ploy.)

Hashtag seeyagoodrelationshipwithlandlord

The guy on the roof didn’t jump. He was up there for about 2 hours, and he was talked down. That was good.

Excitement like a monkey in jello.

And I extend a very grateful thank you to my 2 travel companions today—James and Marty—as they not only did what many fear to (engage in Yankee-related activity with me), but also got me writing again, albeit in a non-recap-capacity. But, you know, I don’t want to be all Teixeira-ed out come April, and have a bunch of comments like “Oh, well she needs a good 3 months to warm up anyway…”

(Baseball reference!)

Hopefully, I’ll be back in action in about 4 months, but until then...

Novi Eboraci , vix potest ad consilium ante. 
Interdum non mihi molestus.

This one was more the kind of Yankees/Socks game to which we've all grown accustomed. Because it was close and dramatic and had drama involved. It's kind of weird that the drama isn't related to Boston-NY animosity though, yeah.

The Yanks win by a hair, thanks to some clutch plays from Beltran (a homerun), Nova (outstanding outing), Sneach (who sneached a ball out of the air when Ortiz hit a long shot and did a premature obnoxious pause at the plate), and Cervelli (who SuperMario'd to first and drove in what ended up being the winning run).

Farrell got thrown out for breaking the rules when he argued the replay ruling. I mean, c'mon guy, everyone knows this.

Jacoby made a great, albeit possibly unnecessarily embellished, catch to end the game. Shawn Kelley struck out Carp with bases loaded to end the 8th, and Girardi made more walks to the field mid-inning to check out hurt players.

Even the announcers were like, "Yeah, how many times do you think Joe's done that in the last few years?"

And then, "Now he's just gotta hope that McCann stays unhurt, since he's down to 1 catcher."

Cut to a few innings later when McCann gets a zinger in the hand, probably broke it, who knows.

The announcers then something along the lines of "And unbeknownst to Dean Anna, he's the emergency backup catcher."

Ha! Is this like a surprise clause in his contract? Like "Heretoforth signer agrees to an undisclosed clause of emergency situation nature e pluribus habeas corpus mens rea etc ad nauseum. Fin."


That didn't happen though.

So, the boys pull out a W and get the day off tomorrow, and I hope they use it productively, ie doing trust exercises and ice breakers and other assorted games of "getting-to-know-you" ilk.

Because as funny as it is in movies to watch a group of unrelated misfits band together to overcome the odds and realize the sum is greater than the parts or whatever...I'm not on board unless I see a montage.

Da mihi montage, aut da mihi mortem.

Kevin Long was really excited today. I mean, I don't remember seeing any shots of him during the game or anything, but I really wish I did.

The whole game was sort of like watching a movie or something. Or a Central Park softball game.

John Lackey/Gomer Pyle/Terrifying
It had a nice lazy feel to the game, and I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever used "nice" and "lazy" in the same sentence.

Unless I said something like "It's nice that the Yankees got rid of his lazy ass." But that doesn't sound like a sentence I'd say, so I'm sticking with my original claim.

The Yankees went old school and won with the long ball. 5 bombs--2 from McCann, the rest from Beltran, A-So, and Kelly Johnson.

(Kelly Johnson can now be added to the list of players whose name is for some reason always said using both first and last names.)

Only one Sock went yard, and it just really wasn't their day.

Farrell tried to overturn a call in the 8th, and I'm sorry, but when I was trying to wrap my head around the whole instant replay thing, I thought you weren't allowed to use a challenge after the 6th inning?

Don't you lose your challenge in the 7th inning? I'm almost positive that's what I read somewhere.

Also, I'm also fairly positive the replay showed that Dear Anna was very much out. but the umps ruled him safe. Either they were just like, "whatever, I don't feel like overturning this in Yankee Stadium. I want to make it back to my car in one piece."

Or they remembered that there was no challenging after the 6th?

Whatever, it was a good day for the Yanks. The only real glitches were A-So dropping an easy one in the first play that came his way. Also, I hate to stay this, but I wish there was a little more team chemistry. I never understood when in business it's cited as a bad thing to not have team chemistry. I get that it's desirable, but if the work's getting done right, who cares?

But now I get it. Sort of. I'd rather have the Yankees even if they don't really know all the names of their teammates yet, than have the Red Socks who equate idiotic irreverance with victory.

Tomorrow, the Yanks pit Nova against Felix, and based on their performance so far this year, it could be a little like watching a WNBA game..

Ego vellem vincere quam ut aut excitant.

Well, was dealing like the v2009. Which was awesome. I have to say, though, I severely miss watching him wipe sweat off his hands on his X (x 109)L jersey. I miss Fatso's fat(so). 

Lester pitched really well, sadly, and doubly sadly because I look at the kind of Red Sock he's become, and it's like a Lifetime movie plot about a guy who just goes down the wrong path and he thinks he's got it allll under control but everyone is noticing something's amiss.

I don't remember the original Lester version having such a hair-trigger temper. This guy was like a Lester/Papelbon freak/Lackey.

Argh. So, the two much hyped aces battle it out, and it looked like a quiet iteration of your standard Yankee-Boston fare. Pitcher's duel, which I love but yet also hate because once the whole thrill of an exciting game wears off, I'm left with the stark realization that my team barely eeked out AH run. Let alone many runs to necessiate an entire rack.

Then A-So hits a homerun, and don't get me wrong, I like anyone who takes a Boston pitcher deep (pause?) but I weirdly have some inexplicable residual disgruntled-ness over his early refusal to get on base. I'm turning into my parents, I swear.

Who never seem to age at all, who still look 30 years younger than they are, but what they preserved in youthful appearance the make up for in lost interest in supporting data. ("Well, I saw Cathy doing her laundry today, and I think she's in over her head." " life or in laundry?" "Um...both. Life, mostly. And laundry.")

I digress, of course, A-So hits a great shot and it's a nice 1-0 game for a little bit until Jonny Gomes goes deep to tie it up, and Round Boy was mad at himself.

He even cursed into his glove between innings, which was a notable step above the stations muting "F%&!" but not blurring out the very defined slow motion mouth gyrations.

Thank you for being considerate even in your hour of frustration, Big Guy.

Lester wasn't as classy. But he was better. Very similar outings from the 2 starters, the stats were nearly identical except an impressive 9Ks for Lard, vs 6 for Lester. Oh, yeah. And there was a homerun discrepancies. 2 vs 1. This is why stats are useless, yeah?

Because that 9Ks make our boy look like a stud, but the only number worth reading in the line score is the HR box. Because that second one to Sizemore broke us.

3-run bomb. 4-1. Yanks started to answer with a mini-rally (a "baby mouse bite" rally, as my youngest sister would say). Kelly Johnson looked terrified batting with 2 outs and 2 men on. Like, big time terrified, a la that scene in "Rookie of the Year" when the kid is batting for the first time ever.

The Socks make it out of the game without further incident, and SPEAKING of no incidents, I'd like to go on record saying that I think Girardi is acting like a weirdo.

When Tubbo was clearly laboring big time in the 6th inning (and starting to show signs in the 5th, I think), Girardi watched. And watched, and watched. Until the no-spring-chicken pitcher went a good amount beyond the 100 mark.

WHY? Because you're trying to preserve your money bullpen? Who the hell are Cabral, Warren, and Betances that you can't take out your work horse?

The relievers did well, but the damage had already been done. Girardi also had Yangervis throwing down a bunt to lead off, a guy whose batting average looks more like an SAT score.

Sneach is mysteriously in and out of the lineup, even though you should always put him in, ALWAYS, if for no other reason than to facilitate the inevitable moment when Sneach reveals he's not human, by rounding the bases without ever touching the dirt.

GGBG is the pinch hitter with 2 outs in the 9th.

And Brian Roberts, who's batting an anemic .150 or something, remains in play. He is aggressively mediocre.

But apparently so is the rest of the league. As my dad said, "I saw the Yankees were in first..."

Me: "YEAH! Cool, right??"

Dad: "Well, I think everyone's in first, though."

He's right, as usual.

Now let's hope that Girardi snaps out of whatever bizarro delirium he's in. He's managing his team like he's a substitute teacher or something.

(It should be noted that what I know about managing a professional baseball team is based on a resume that boasts approximately zero percent experience in this field. I usually give the dude the benefit of the doubt for this very reason, but I'm now going based on his glassy, vacant stare.)

In fairness, I probably wouldn't like it very much if Girardi started saying shit like "Oh c'MON, Kris! Jesus, what's wrong with this girl? Everyone knows that you gotta make the headline big and you gotta make it red if anyone's gonna pay attention to it! These are poor copywriting decisions that I feel comfortable enough to unequivocally criticize."

Lackey faces off against Kuroda on Saturday, and I'm really looking forward to watching the game on the couch and passing out in the 2nd or 3rd inning and waking up an inning and a half later, with drool dried on my cheek and the afternoon sun coming in the window, and seeing the Yankees have taken a 7-run lead.

Pauca res sum melior quam baseball et somnus.

Woot woot! Yanks take the first of the series with the BIGGEST RIVAL IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS, thanks to an absolutely sterling performance from Michael Pineda. Is it weird his first name is Michael and not Miguel? Yes. Yes, I think it is. That's a totally normal, not offensive comment, seriously.

Well, I guess it depends on who you ask. And I mean that in reference to the "sterling performance" comment, since from where I was sitting, it looked pretty badass. From the visitors' dugout, on the other hand, it look pretty "dark."

"Not Miguel" has pine tar on his hand. Or dirt. Or a fundamental demonstration of the shadow and light principles. Or sweat with dirt. I can't really tell. The old pine tar accusation gag, eh. Ha. Red Socks will do anything, ANYTHING I tell you, to win the Who Can Pantomime the Yankees Best? Contest.

Well, nothing really came of the pine tar shit, as far as I can tell, which means ESPN will probably escalate it to cinematic proportions, because how else can a pitcher have a good outing? I mean, just look at this schmuck who spent his career completely irrelevant and then magically has a good outing?

In the aggressive campaign to completely ruin the game of baseball, the ESPN ESPublicRelations are just doing their part, because it's not fair for the instant replay and plate collision rules to do ALL the heavy lifting.

Anyways, the Yankees prevailed despite Not Miguel's insidious crime, not BECAUSE of it. Of course. The Yanks' bullpen didn't implode, which was cute--thank you Cesar Cabral and Phelps. Tomorrow we may hear that John Farrell played the game under protest after accusing the relievers of zapping magic spells on the baseballs.

See, Farrell never even brought up the pine tar. It's basically ESPN being like the bitchy Trouble-Stirrer-Upper in high school who says shit like, "I mean, I don't know if I should say anything, but Tommy looked a little TOO friendly with Kelly last night."

In actual baseball performance news, Nava hit a homerun for the Bean Team, which meant the announcers fell over themselves to relay the apropos stat about Nava being only 1 of 2 players ever to hit a grand slam on his first pitch in the majors ever. Not for nothing, but that IS a pretty ridiculous stat. Even more ridiculous is the fact it's happened more than once.

Continuing along the lines of being magnanimous in victory, I'll give credit again to the Red Socks for a) a couple of sick catches in the outfield and b) for Cheekbones' pitching performance. I don't know why--because his pitches are unassailably filthy--but he just doesn't scare me. You know, there's pitchers like Halladay. Or Lee. Or Darvis. At some point all those guys struck fear into my heart like the sight of Mo struck fear into the hearts of opposing fans in the 9th inning.

But Cheekbones doesn't do that. Probably because I can't get past how his bone structure could cut through glass.


That's it with niceties about the BIGGEST RIVAL IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. Did anyone think Ortiz was dangerously close to pulling a drop-your-bat-and-pause-like-an-asshole-after-going-yard move...when he hit a ground rule double? Asshole. Also, moron. Furthermore, faulty depth perception. Yeah, you heard me, Papi. Your visual acuity's so fat, when it sits around the house, it sits AROUND the house, na wuh im sayin? Yeah, me neiter.

Dear Anna hit a homerun, but unfortunately he didn't grin in wild exuberance when running around the bases. He must have a dad who told him not to celebrate in the end zone and to act like he's been there before.

Yangervis didn't have another 2934 for 2934 game, but had a broken bat shot that culminated in a pretty good play by Nava. Whatever. Sorry, I was too distracted by the weirdass move Yangervis made to like 2nd base which I guess was some kind of lefty shift? But at first I thought our neophyte just forgot what position he played (which would be understandable considering how erratic this whole musical infielders thing has been.)

Also, the Yankees won, so there. And we got your boy Jacoby, who brought in a run. A-So brought in a run, too, in a very A-So way, ie by grounding into a double play.

Fatso starts against Jon "The Red Socks were a bad influence on me. I'd look better in Pinstripes" Lester. The Yanks win. Boston doesn't do well. And their flag remains at the end of the AL East section of the Yankee Stadium façade.

Et hoc est quod Boston habere non possunt quae tincidunt.

The Baltimore Orioles rallied in the 9th the beat the New York Yankees.

This collection of words should only be seen in one place and one place only.

Tanaka was aces tonight, though, despite giving up a quick 3 runs right from the get go (which means we're at 100% with an n of 2, in the developing hypothesis that he's using the ol' Teixeira "Slow Start is Really a Pretty Money Move, Trust Me" playbook.)

He starts off a liitttttle questionable, and then he looks like a million bucks. (Which is technically an insult, I guess, to him. So, let me revise my statement to he starts out looking like a million bucks and then settles down and starts dealing.)

10 Ks from the Japanese guy is impressive. The O's starter is the type of pitcher that most teams salivate over. And when I say "salivate over," I mean that in terms of batting against him. Like cartoon dogs floating in the air hooked to the smell of bacon. Gonzalez is hittable but not toooo hittable to make your overswing. He's really what me and my college housemates would term a NGB. "Nice guy/girl, but...." Eh.

That said, the Yankees aren't most other teams. In fact, they're not ANY of the other teams, as it were. They're the Yankees, so they made this pitcher look like freaking Bob Gibson or something. Except they were hitting him, but not. I don't know how the numbers in this game make sense.

Gonzalez was staked to a 3-0 lead (oh GOOOOOOD for you), and then the Yankees did that thing were they're like "You know what? Let's go ahead of just take a stab at throwing the whole 'run manufacturing' thing to the wind."

The Yankee bats sometimes like to spead their money on scratch off tickets instead of sensible toiletries for the home. That is an analogy and, as far as I know, not something the Yankees actually do.

Kelly Johnson connects for a ding, which brought his average up to a number that I think more closely reflects how I've perceived it to be. A-So drove in a run, which is befuddling but appreciated. Beltran was a stud and went like 2304 for 2304 or something. I'm not sure, but I felt like he was up every other batter, and he was "connecting on all cylinders" as the kids like to say.

Robinson Sheffield forgot to connect on the cylinders, though, and in fairness, I do believe that that particular topic is an upper level cource and hence may require a special trip.

You are still a nice peanut of a stud, Yangervis. So much so that I've waved off my ridiculously intelligent and informed baseball guru Ollie, when he told me that Yangervis Solarte is NOT > Tyler Ross. Hey all things being equal, I'm gravitating towards the weird name. Any additional info on the origin of this name and the correct pronunciation would be appreciated.

You know who isn't being relevant? Brian Roberts.

And you know who hasn't been in the line-up again? Sneach. WTF? This is like when my sis and I were in the same fantasy league, and the commissioner of the league kept offering one BS trade after another for Brandon Phillips, and after I'd turn them down, he'd be all, "What! No, seriously, Amy Smart has like a lot of keeper league value."

Anyways, so my sister offers me something like Jeter and Aramis Ramirez (this was 2008), so I give her Phillips, and she promptly benches him. SOLELY to piss of the commish. He predictably goes ape shit, and she responds by saying: "What. I think he's gotten a big head from all the attention, and I think he needs to spend a few weeks on the bench thinking about how he sees himself as a part of this franchise."

The point being (aside from the fact that this is why chicks shouldn't play fantasy) is that perhaps Girardi is doing something similar to Sneach, BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULDNT YOU PUT THE LITTLE LOONY TUNE ELF IN???!!


Anyways, I don't want to belabor the whole Shawn Kelley screwing us out of our first walk-off chance and marching us into a disappointing game loss as well as a series loss as we head into the Boston series. I do no want to belabor this point because it's 9 games into the season, and I'm guessing that with D-Rob injured, there will be quite a few opporunities to wax cranky about life post-Mo.

Also, speaking of melodramatic: what's worse/worst? The fans running onto the field. The ridiculous amount of attention it got when I thought that was exactly what the game hopes to avoid. Or the disproportionate reaction from Adam "If I can't play like Cobb, maybe my Tom Ripley-ing of him will do the trick" Jones.

Red Sock time. Which means:

Historia summa aemulatio in ludos!


Two day games in a row? Is that normal? Yes, that's what was most notable about the 2nd home game. The fact it was another 1:05 start time. Not the drubbing the Yanks received at the hands of a team whose name is almost always uttered with the same inflection/intonation as someone who says he/she met his/her significant other online. You know what I mean, it's like this staunch loyalty mixed with a slint hint of apologetic sheepishness.

(Oh yeah, no post for the home opener because I was in attendance, and now that I'm at the ripe old age of 33, a day of drinking beer in 40 degree weather in a relatively tight ie intense game, renders me so useless that even when me and my buddies tried to extend the celebration to a bar post-game, I  realized I had exactly enough energy left in me to get home, do laundry, and google "how to plant tomato seeds." And even that was an overestimate, since I never made it to the google.)

So after beating the Orioles in a tight game on Monday, I returned to work Tuesday and patched together a game-viewing experience through a variety of media, because no one likes an employee who parks herself in the kitchen and changes "Law & Order" to a Yankee game.

Opening Day Win.
Actually, I think it's one of those weird workplace standards where it's ok to eat lunch in the kitchen to follow the stories of two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders.

But skipping in with your grilled cheese and getting highly invested in a day game--for whatever reason--can potentially undermine your work ethic.

Whatever, I was very much okay with getting the stoic updates from Gamecast rather than indulging in a depressing film noir showing of a dramatic shots of dejected fans.

And I can count myself lucky, since how much does it suck to go to the trouble of using a day off from work, only to witness Showalter's boys smack us around for 20 hits, seemingly every other one of those a long ball.

Nova didn't last 4 innings even, and got yanked probably later than he should have, but it's not like the bullpen did anything helpful in terms of putting a tourniquet on the run hemorrhaging. Every O got a hit AND a run--ridiculous--which is a quantity matched on by the number of apologies/explanations/self-flagellating deprecation comments that Nova stammered in the post-game.

Unfortunately, he failed to default to the best ever rationale ever given by a Yankee pitcher. Or maybe just ever given by a human being, actually.

I like this breed of TMI better than the the "sinker ball was in the zone, off day, blah blah" TMI. The only person whose little "layman's terms" pitching clinics I really enjoy are those of Al Leiter when he's in the booth.

In the land of silver lining stuff, there's Jacoby who continues to be a better-than-bad-it's-good pick-up. Like, a lot better-than-bad. I hope he doesn't feel like Adam Banks when he got traded to the slow-starting Mighty Ducks.

Then there's Robinson Sheffield who Ollie lol-ed me when I impulsively grabbed him up in fantasy after Game 2. He's putting up a bunch of Kevin Maas-esque binge stats, so at least Elias Sports Bureau is keeping busy.

See?? Tell me you can't see where I'm coming from...
Kelly Johnson had a bomb in the 8th, a quiet one, which is somewhat comical since you know what would happen if Arod had gone yard late in the game when the Yanks were down by 10? Mostly, a lot of vitiol, etc.

I was actually surprised Kelly Johnson's average was as low as it was when it showed up on the Jumbotron at Monday's game. Hasn't he been the requisite John Olerud of the bunch, the put-yout-head-down-and-work-and-do-your-job-satisfactorially-if-not-spectacularly?

Beltran chipped in a ribbie, but when the entire Baltimore line-up is eating pieces of shit sinker balls for breakfast, the luke-warm stabs at run-manufacturing are kind of wasted and all.

You know, eating pieces of shit sinker balls for breakfast probably wouldn't do your stomach any favors.

Oh yeah, and speaking of luke-warm and favors (pause?), Soriano hit a home run. Fantastic. Now he's never going to f'n try to get base hits, like, ever.

And speaking of things that don't happen in ever, Super Mario played 1B today. Normal. Nope. God, please don't let Girardi start tapdancing into the Maddon Scientology School of Management. Please, no.

Anyway, Wednesday's game brings our expensive toy gun to the mound for his first Bronx debut. Not sure how forgiving the stadium's going to be if he gets TANAKA-ED AROUND. Yep, said it. Can't unsay it.

Pulsate pulso. Quis est hic? Tanaka. Tanaka qui? Tanaka, vel no Tanaka. Quod est in quaestione.


Oh, Tanaka. Welcome to American baseball.

Me and Ldawgzo at Old Timer's Day 2005
Unlike my sister who ALWAYS surpasses the hype, the Japanese kind of just answered the hype in an appropriate if not spectacular manner?

Yeah, there was a LOT of hype around this guy, as there generally for any pitcher whose starting salary could bankroll implementation of a small off-shore civilization.

Also, he's Japanese, so his talent is worth more because it's never been actually demonstrated in American Major League Baseball.

Also, the mysterious does-he-doesn't-he around the speaking/language barrier is an asset that is worth its weight in gold.

I'm sorry, I'm giving the kid a hard time for no reason. Except the reason that was he let up a homerun to Melky Cabrera within 3 pitches of his very first outing. Somewhere, Stephen Strausberg is exhaling a sigh of relief, as he tightens his grib a little more possessively on his "I beat the hype" trophy.

It was a veritable smorgasboard of Japanese tv shots, from the panning around the dugout to the Asian players, to the terrifyingly austere shots of the Japanese film crews and photographers. We get it. Japan loves their baseball players.

I love when the Yankees win. Which is what they did tonight in a very, very odd manner.

Game notes:

The Yankees overturned a call by virtue of some extremely complicated relay system between Tony Pena and Joe Girardi that I don't even remotely understand. Sneach beats out the throw to first, as Sneach is want to do, and he's called out. Girardi challenges it. And so opened a whole ginormous can of worms that I wish I never saw.

"Call Overturned" is something I should never see flashed across my tv screen in relation to a baseball game, and I say this after said overturned call realllly worked to the Yanks' favor, allowing Robinson Sheffield to hit a go-ahead double in the 3rd.

The game lasted 3:26 minutes but for some reason it felt much longer...maybe it was the creative medley of game delayers, like the fan who ran across the field, the challenges, then reviews, and of course the strange exit of Teixeira (Teixit). Ok, apparently he got hurt, but since it was right after his, like, 3rd error in as many games, I legitimately thought Girardi came out to serve Tex with an arrest warrant or something.

And Tex DID look pretty much storming off the field. No news yet on whether Tex is just being "first 3 months of the season carte blanche" Tex. Or whether we got to start getting more comfortable with Kelly Johnson at 1st.

I know that in the past few years, the Yankee line-up isn't always what we remembered it to be in the classic Yankee sense. But there was something particularly Central Park softball league-y about today's murderer's row.

Like they were the lineup you assemble when it's 4:45 and half of your team emails to say they can't come to the game, and you're scrambling to pick up enough players before 6 so you don't have to forfeit a game to a team call "McCormack's Half Pints" or something.

Especially, Jeter's esteemed back from SD: "Dear Anna."

No, I didn't mean Dean. Dear Anna. That's his name.

Seriously, when I saw the infield positions at the beginning of the game, I was basically positive that they couldn't field a team, so they called someone's girlfriend to come in and play and that's how someone named "Anna" ended up at SS.

His defense? Ehhhhhh.

He got a hit though, as did every Replacement Yankee today, except B-Rob. I continue to be impressed by this team's speed, though. Like Jacoby had 2, GGBG had 1, and B-Rob threw on another. And I'm pretty sure Kelly Johnson randomly posted a triple today. Just for fun.

Robinson Sheffield had another ridic day, going 2 for 5 with 2 doubles, and 3 ribbies, and a lot of smiling, and stellar fielding. He looks and plays like a kid who will play as absolutely hard as he can because he knows how lucky he is to be here.

And that's straight up Mom-genes talking, as I can now cite April 5, 2014 as the day I first started doing my Mom's thing of inventing stories about complete strangers and passing them off as hush-hush fact.

In terms of the pitching, Tanaka gets up through 7 innings, with 8Ks, and only 3 runs (2 earned), and I gotta say, I was not as impressed as I guess I was prepared to be, but I've already forgotten about my lack in impression since the Yankees won. The relievers bridged to the way nicely to the W, with Thorton, Betances, and D-Rob synthesizing their forces to yield a hit-less final 2 innings.

You know what's weird? I don't think I've ever said this before, but if I had to pick a weakness on the Yankees right now, a weak skill set (or lack their of, etc) wouldn't be the batting, the manufacturing runs, the slugging, the RISP BAs....not the pitching, relief, or, the biggest weakness I see right now is the the infield defense.

Maybe I'm just spoiled from the whole Jeter-Robbie-Tex-Arod-iron curtain thing. But the Yankees just don't commit errors (fielding ones anyway), and they looked a little less that crisp out there. Like, I was finding myself excited to see successfully turned routing double plays.

Which reminds me, congrats to the Mets for their 1st win!

Tomorrow Pineda goes up against Dickey. This should be interesting.. (Yeah, let's go ahead and add Toronto to the list of teams/fan who are officially never allowed to make the inane "Yankees buy their team" hiss.)


Plurimos annos ad meus soror mirum!


Well, that was fun!

I laughed a lot during the game, especially during the last 3 innings, because the announcers were acting like it was a 17-3 game in the 2nd inning. Or the way announcers act when it's the 18th inning and they forget where they are and start slipping into micronaps.

Yeah, but this game in the 7th inning-ish, and the silliness really started with a comment that made me giddy... a fairly non sequitor reference to Arod's walk-off error against the Mets.

And then from there, they began talking about all the dance moves Brian Roberts was doing on first base. (For the record, I counted a total of zero dance moves, but, you know, semantics.) This segued into an all out giggle-fest that touched upon such topical issues as Emmit Smith on Dancing With the Stars, and the like.

Also, it was a 4-2 game. Pretty exciting, really. I mean, I know this is about the time when Sterling starts talking about shit like running into Bernie Williams at the supermarket and how Bernie's a great GREAT guy who, you know, Suzyn, LOVES. PICKLES. And here's the count. Ball four.

Nah, this wasn't an exciting game or anything.

But, speaking of counts, apparently they're pretty tough. I mean, you will hear NO ARGUMENT FROM ME about how math is mega challenging. HOWEVAH, I'd like to think that in a situation where my livelihood is primarily based on keeping on top of a pitch count, I'd be able to keep track of it without convening a mid-inning summit of minds, and a gratuitous deployment of the PITCH COUNT REVIEW ALLOWANCE.

Seriously! I mean, even if I blacked out as the announcers clearly had, I would have just made something up. I would NEVER want to admit to my fellow ump coworkers, the thousands of attending fans, and the millions of tv viewers that when it comes down to it, all the technology in the world can't replace the old fashioned beauty of an abacus.

Somewhere, typewriter and snail mail advocates are jumping up and high fiving in triumph.

The Yankees, by the by, are also doing that. Because they won!

Because Yangervis Solarte is a stud that I obviously immediately picked up off waivers because I'm an impulse shopper and because I only have one Yankee on my team so far. Forget all the stuff I said yesterday about him being a weirdo for wearing a gold chain.

Apparently that Robinson Sheffied swing of his is more than a little potent, as the neophyte went 3 for 3 with 2 runs and a ribbie. And a SICK catch at 3rd that prompted my favorite expression: "Can't hit em harder than that!"

Sure you could. Sure you could, Kay. You could hit it so hard that it took someone's head off. Or at the very least, socks. But I'll give you that it was an f'n smoked rope to 3B. It spun around Solarte like a top but it was a great catch. And he smiled, dimply. He should call his parents after this game, because they're gonna wanna know ALL the DETAILS.

"Did you get the ball?? For God's sake, Yangy, please tell me you got the ball. Did everyone want your autograph afterwards? I bet that Derek Jeter guy did. You know, I'm not just saying this because I'm your mother, but I saw him looking at you and saying 'Why can't I hit like that guy?' I'm telling you!"

GGBG and Sneach looked great. Espleshly Sneach, and no one really ever answered my question about why in God's name he wasn't playing games 1 and 2?? He's such a little sneach around the bases! Remember when he scored from 2nd on a dropped pop up to the pitcher/catcher/3B?

Yeah, me neither, because it happened so fast that normal measurements of time can't accurately capture it. Sneah doesn't believe in the whole time continuum thing. Badass.

Unlike games 1 and 2, there was an inside out effect of the lineup, in that we got nada from our heart of the order, and key hitting from the bookends. Adorable.

The other Yankee Roberts made his "I know, I know, I'm not Mo, but please can we put a cap on the number of mentions of this to around 10 a week?" debut. He did well. He's NOT MO, THOUGH. He's not.

Also, I don't mean to be a dick, but I goggled it a lot, and what's wrong with Brett "Astros Pitcher of the Year" Oberholtzer's face, skin-wise? You'd think the reigning 2013 APotY Champ could be afforded some photoshop luxuries with that title, no?

Yankees stranded fewer runners (6) and were 3 for 7 with RISP and they won the game and it was AMAZING. They came from behind (pause) and gutted it out and wore down the opposing pitchers for 158 pitches.

Nova was Nova-y, which means stellar but not super dazzling, if that makes any sense at all. He is usually impressive, but never zingingly (sp? word, even?) spectacular, which I think is because his outs are groundouts and he looks intense most of the time.

Usually that kind of out-producer has a Chien-Mien Wang-esque aplomb, while Nova intensity is more akin to Kyle Farnsworth strikeout lunatics. I'll tell you Suzyn, Baseball's a funny game.

I, for one anyways, thought it was fun. HERE WE GO!!!!!

Hic venit in Yankees!

You know who I miss? Gary Sheffield.

I say that for no real reason beyond the fact I've determined that there is a player on the Yankees whose swing looks like the love child of Cano and Sheffield. Also, what AJ Burnett did for our rotation, Sheffield did for our lineup.

A complete lunatic who played like he was a stock character in a Kevin Costner-esque baseball movie.

Like how Brian Roberts looks, as my coworker pointed out, "like the guy who bats in a baseball movie but doesn't play a significant role."
B-Rob and "Sam Tuttle" from "For Love of the Game"
That said, Roberts was almost perfect today, 3-for-4, but this wasn't a significant role, since the rest of the team demonstrated an unwavering aversion to driving in runs.

Well, allergy season and all, who can blame them for having excrutiating flareups. Pollen, grass, ragweed, homeplate... they're all in the same rhinitis silo, yeah?

The Yanks lose again, and this one wasn't as shake-off-able as yesterday's, mostly because it wasn't a pitching problem.

Well, Kuroda's "scouting report" was predictably nonsensical, as it purported "Houston has a problem." This was soon followed by a bomb 2 pitches into the game. Houston's only problem tonight was filling the stands.

So, last night Fatty had 2 bad innings and the rest of the game was aight. Game 2 was a torturous reel of one batter after another dropping hydrochloric acid on scoring opportunities. It's easy to lambast one pitcher, one outing. It's harder to lambast a batting order.

Oh, btw, it's game 2 of the season. This is all totally warranted criticism. Nope.

But, giddy up, here I go anyway.

See, if Jacoby wasn't of Red Blood, I wouldn't give his stepping up to the plate and coming up empty-ness a second thought. But there's a bigger burden of proof involved here (Cheers, Law and Order reference).

I can't even think of a quasi-obnoxous nickname for him, because his parents already threw a gratuitous Y at the end of a perfectly good name, so how much more can I really do to add value?

Speaking of names: Yangervis Solarte. He comes up to bat, and seriously at first I didn't realize that the PH designation at the end of his name, was a designation. I thought it was just another couple of letters involved in his name that no one was sure with which to do.

Turns out he was the pinch hitter, and the pinch hitter, at that, who reminded me of Robinson Sheffield.

He didn't play like one, though.He played like a collection of scrabble tiles, who wore an intimidating gold chain around his neck when everyone knows that if you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention to the Phiten necklaces that allow you to throw baseballs through brick walls.

Oh Yangervis Solarte(ph)! You have much to learn.

Other game notes:

Tex made an error, and I'm gonna go ahead and say he did it on purpose to make Beltran feel better about his error from yesterday. Cuz that's what Tex does. Makes players more comfortable. (Pause.) For the record, I was referring to when he joined the team and Alex Rodriguez was happy to have an old pal there.

As I said yesterday, so begins the season of delays- of-game every time Jeter is up at bat. Today was weird. Didn't they play the Astros yesterday? Why was today a de facto Jeter Appreciation Day?

I mean, an offering of Jeter Cowboy Boots is obviously nothing to sneeze at. But if we're sneezing at unnecessary commemorative rituals, then I'd sneeze.
Jeter presents.
For Christ's sake, the bullpen even had to get up for his at-bat. When are they going to sleep??

Things Minute Maid Park did NOT get up for (mercifully): 2 outs and 2 strikes. You know how I feel about this. Ron Guidry. Yankees.


Every other team who tries to embrace it belongs alongside the inventer of call-waitng, lime-flavored Tostitos, and capri pants. Yesterday the Houston fans were alllll about this "ritual." Today, not so much.

That said, they were all about the Wave. If I'm a Mets fan, I'm pissed. Not because of the Wave in Houston. Just because I'm a Mets fan.

I just learned that Pettite was the 1st and only MLB-er to have ZERO losing seasons. Don't judge me for just learning this since probably most everyone knows this, but wow. Kudos.


Also along the lines of Japanese stuff, when Kuroda pitched, the ads behind homeplate changed from StubHub to something in Japanese. Topical.

Numbers-wise: Cosart is apparently a stud, and Kevin Long was excessively happy when he left the game, and then the Yankee bats just took a page from Beltran's book and stood with the lumber glued to their shoulders for the first pitch.Which I respect.

Except the respect wanes when the subsequent pitches seen result in no base runners. A-So is waiting for his first hit, and I feel like I'm the Coach in Major League 2 who's yelling at Willy Mays Hays to "PUT THE BALL ON THE GROUND."

The entire Yankees line-up officially can double as the opposite side of the school gym during my 8th grade dance. What they lack in puberty, they make up for in runners LOB (8).

So, the Astros take the series, and just to remind everyone, they're not the NL. Still confusing.

My boy Nova starts tomorrow, which means our $23948234 bajillion starter is our 4th-man, which is exactly why everyone hates the Yankees (among other reasons, I suppose..) They take the best player from wherever they feel like it...and then bat him 8th. Or pitch him 4th. Unapologetically. Yet rationally. I love them.

Tomorrow's a new day. But my prediction remains the same as it did yesterday: I got a good feeling about this team.

Tertio est lepore.


WELCOME BACK INTO MY LIFE, YANKEES! Okay, so you lost, but if there is a fan among you who didn't get off on that familiar thrill of the makings of a comeback, then...well, I'll see YOU in hell.

So, the Yankees lose this one because pitched 2 innings of questionable ball. I say "questionable" as a courtesy to Round Boy, but I'm fairly certain that there weren't a whole lot of questions circulating amongs viewers, beyond "Why is he still wearing the same size uniform even though he's 4 sizes smaller?"
I was the Incredible Shrinking Man for Halloween.
Yes, but in fairness, our boy DID give us a heads up seeing as almost every sound bite he's tossed out to the media in the last 7 months has been wildly self-deprecating. It's like he lost all this weight and now he;s turning into some MLB version of Lucas. No dramatic slow claps in this game though.

Fatso went 6 innings, threw 99 pitches, whiffed 6, got taken yard twice, and was rocked for 6 runs in the first two innings. That's, like, Justin Chamberlain shit, yo. What the eff. You know what, though? Lard started Opening Day in 2009, the Yanks lost 10-2, and we all know how that season ended.

It wasn't a worrisome start, it was an anticlimatic one. Which makes sense, because I guess Game 1 of the season shouldn't be climatic at all, otherwise I'd be in Silly World, Where Everything I Know Is Wrong.

Other game notes:

I'm pretty sure at one point Beltran made it to first and tried to be all "Hey, what's up man" to Guzman, like the guy who's got people visiting him at his hometown, and he tries to act like he's Johnny Popular to look cool. Except Guzman was just having none of it.

Oh, Beltran. It's cool, though, because Beltran dove headfirst into first base later on in the game, and that really showed Guzman and the world that Beltran means business. Kudos on the hard 90, boy. I respect it. Didn't as much respect the E he so gracelessly tacked on. Old Mets habits die hard I guess. Next thing you know Beltran will be doing Kiss Cam and Waves and the like. Whatever, Astro season or no, he'll always be a Met in my eyes.

Jeter got hit by a pitch, and so begins a season of hearing the announcers wax philosophical, nostalgic, etc al, every time this future HOF-er steps up to the plate. (Do you see how I used that phrase "step up to the plate"? Jeter took a batting stance. He stepped up to the plate.)

Speaking of, no one "stepped up to the plate" in the way that infuriates me, ie in the "LOOK HOW MUCH HE CAME THROUGH IN THE CLUTCH!" So, basically no one stepped up to the plate and drove runs in when I needed them to. 2 for 8 with RISP, leaving 8 men on.

Hey, you know who looked good? Teixeira. 2 for 3. Other hits came smack from the middle of the lineup, so I guess that means something can be said for the rationale behind the batting order? Yeah? Jeter, Beltran, and McCann.

Our relievers looked good! And if memory serves, that is a requisite topic of season-long contention. So, I'm just putting this out there now, because in 2 months, we'll be wading through palpable vitriol about how WE NEED PITCHING! after the first spat of horribly blown games. AHHH, WHERE'S MO??!

PS, I thought Nuno might have used the off season to realize a tilda may be an appropriate addition to his name. I'm pretty sure I've voiced my aversion to this already:

While we're getting into improvement-needed areas, your lack of tilde over the second N in Nuno is distracting. It looks naked.

Wikipedia evidently shares this sentiment, and you know how for a little while they were putting banner ads the size of Spain everywhere, begging for donations?

Well, if there was ever a reason for me to humor Wikipedia and all it's uncitable glory, it's because they stood their ground when it came to the tilde.

They're running with it, because Wikipedia doesn't take ño shit from anyone.

Well, Nuno. I've said my piece. Also, good pitching out there today.

As for the lady with the pink hair who sat behind home plate?

This . Also, I think you left the game early. Thus, this .

Oh, also, did George Bush gain weight? Or was that Barbara's purse on his lap or something? I couldn't tell.

BASEBALL'S BACK! See you tomorrow, Astros! I HOPE I hope I hope I hope I hope, Sneach is in the lineup. I feel like the Yankees would be a little more recognizable that way? Maybe. GGBG was the only Yankee in the lineup that was in the lineup in 2013's Opening Day. I don't know how this is significant, if at all.

As always, I got a real good feeling about this team.

The Yankees habere eos ubi volunt eos.

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