Blogger Template by Blogcrowds .

Well, here we are.

I think now would be an appropriate time to recall Churchill. Which would make it the 2nd time in a week I've done so, but this is okay because Churchill was a badass.

We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in [the Bronx], we shall fight on the [infield] and the [outfield], we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our [legend], whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on [offense], we shall fight on [defense], we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight [against Boston]; we shall never surrender.

I would go with the "This was their finest hour" passage, but I think that beating one of the worst teams in baseball to stumble into the playoffs after once having a monstrous-size lead that they squandered away, thereby creating the drama of this series in the first place...well, I think the Yankees have had much finer hours.

So I'm hoping not for a "finest hour" but mostly just for a "not most pathetic hour." Dare to dream.

While Baltimore had a fairly uneventful win against the Red Socks at Camden, the Yankees had an uphill battle, thanks to Phil Hughes putting them in a 5-1 hole within seconds (5 innings. Semantics.)

The Jays were looking like their big deal offensive powerhouse of recent years. Like, the Bautista-on-fake-steroids-years. They were scoring in all sorts of ways. (I could make some analogy to a seasoned prostitute, but I won't because I'm too stressed out by all this to be whimsically inappropriate.)

Escobar puts them on the board early by doubling in a run. Lind gets a sac fly in the same inning. There's the 2-0 First Inning Score That Has Started Every Yankee Game of The Season.

Yanks answer in the 3rd when ZPack#2 goes yard against Henderson Alvarez (that's a funny name), making it 2-1 and making us all think this wasn't go to be too difficult a game to win. 2-1 is the same as 1-0.

1-0 games are easy to win. 1-0 games are those games when YES announces the Player of the Game in the 8th inning, when there is most likely going to be an even more important player yet to come in the 9th.

But it didn't stay a 2-1/1-0 game for long.

Lawrie homers to make it 4-1. That reallllly deflated me. Because at the same time, the Boston/Baltimore score is flashing on the screen, and it's 3-0. And the Yankees are looking at being a game behind 1st with only 3 games to play.

But then the 7th inning happened.

I know we all want to say how this is soooo like the Yankees, to rally when the chips are down. It's true, I DO want to say that. But let's call a spade a spade here. The Yankees rally was l.argely fueled by Toronto's newfound aversion to throwing the ball within 16 feet of the strike zone.

That's what started it all. A run-scoring wild pitch, and the game became 5-2.

And soon it became 5-3 (Sneach Sac Fly).

5-4 (Cano doubles in Jeter).

And then it's a tie game with yet another wild pitch that lets ARod dash towards home.

While I definitely felt a lot better about the game, I was waiting to pry my hands off my own neck until there was unrefutable proof that the Yankees' bullpen did not ruin the summer by blowing the game.

Girardi looked like he was going to continue doing that thing where he's like an out of control teen on a talk show who's prancing around on stage saying, "IDUN CAYER. I DO WUH I WAN. I LOOK GOOOOD." Instead, he's saying, "I DON'T CARE. I DO WHAT I WANT. I'LL OVERMANAGE MY PITCHERS." I swear he does this overmanaging thing wth the same defiant indignance as one of the 13 year olds who won't stop getting pregnant.

(Ok, so much for being too stressed to be whimsically inappropriate, I guess.)

HOWEVAH, Girardi wowed the world, by NOT pulling Boone Logan after 1 batter. GOOOOD for you, Joe. GOOOOOOD for you.

Also, I don't know where else to mention this, but somethingsomethingsomethingSNEACHIRO'S CATCH!

Yep. Oh, Sneach! Your sense of Sneach is only equalled by your sense of love!

Anyways. So Boone Logan pitches really well, and it just is very unsettling to know that when the season is almost on the line, I don't trust anyone.

When I look at my options of who I want pitching out of the pen, the only name I trust is Mariano Rivera. Even with a gimp knee.

(I'm purposefully NOT going to expound on what happened in the inning. Something about the bases being loaded with 0 outs and everyone wanting to chew on rat poison to put ourselves out of our misery.)

You know what I want to think about even less than that little 9th inning scare? The next few days. They're going to kick my ass so much that I may have to pony up and buy a new ass. 3 games against the Red Socks that determine the fate of the Yankees' season. I cannot. Stop.

Despite the fact I gave all my office sufficient warning that I should not be "disturbed" this week, that I am not pleasant when playoffs are at stake, that my knee jerk reaction to pretty much any query is something like this...despite all this, the week just keeps getting more and more saturated with meetings.

So between that, baseball, and everything else going on, Ohyob's arrival on Friday will be like this.

Until then...don't poke the bear. Shit's about to get real.

(Hey, remember when the Yankees lost to the Orioles last month because the ump blew the call at first and we were all so mad because we were scared that ONE BLOWN CALL may end up having some significance if the Orioles are still contenders come playoff time, but we were ultimately like, "Nahhh. Grrr. Let's move on"? Yeah, me neither.)

Paradise isn't lost in the sense that it isn't won. Paradise is lost in the sense that it has been misplaced. It was previously in the Yankees possession about 2 months ago, and then the Yankees put it down somewhere and forgot where.

But Milton nailed it when he said getting out of hell is an f'n pain in the ass.

My ex used to say that his vision of hell was spending an eternity waiting in line to GET to hell. He might not be too far off (however, before we admire his wit, I'd be remiss in not reminding everyone he also said this), because these games like today, this stupid losses against piss ant spoilers like the Jays--they're hell. They're not actual hell, but they make anticipation hell.

Joba blows the game with a double to Rajai Davis, but he hasn't worked himself into a "Justin" demotion because he's been pretty well as of late. So I'm not going to burn him at the stake just yet because he blew an INCREDIBLY important game. As nuts as I can be, I've come to value my ability to be fair.

Also, who can in good faith blame this on Joba when the offense demonstrated a categorical aversion--nay, contempt!--for getting hits with RISP. 2 for 11, and both of them were singles, neither of them resulting in a run.

(My dad would probably determine this to be "statistically impossible," which it isn't, but I think he's like the equivalent of a guy who's been with his high school sweetheart for like the last 7 years and he knows he's going to eventually marry her, so he reasons that he's earned the right to cheat on her. Except in this case, the girl is "math." My dad=math prodigy who indiscriminately identifies everything as statistically impossible. He's earned it.)

Anyways, it's NOT statistically impossible for the Yankees to not make the playoffs. It would be difficult, but it's definitely very much within the realm of possibility that a shitty series against the Sock would at best relegate them to a Wild Card, at worst eliminate them completely.

The idea of Boston being the reason the Yankees miss the playoffs in a situation where it's nearly statistically impossible to do so AND when the Yankees at one point were 10 games up on the world?

I'd rather participate in one of those scenes from Saw. ("Do you want to play a game? Well, you can't because Boston eliminated you. Live or die, make your choice." Die. Easy.)

Speaking of Saw, kind of sad there isn't a Saw 8 this Halloween. But you know what there IS? BLACKOUT HAUNTED HOUSE 2012. Last year me and the old guard at LLNS went to the haunted house in the wax museum. Which was awesome, but unlike Blackout, there are no waivers or disclaimers you have to sign prior to entering, absolving the haunted house proprietors of legal responsibility for the "human contact" that will involve "sexual and violent situations."

I'm in.

On to other horrifying situations, such as the fact the Yankees lost 3-2 today, and cut their lead down to a half game, which threatens to be a 0 game lead if Boston doesn't do their job tonight. I don't like the fact I will be spending Saturday night in a bar rooting for the Red Socks. In fact, it almost makes me physically ill.

Pettitte gets tagged with the L, but he didn't pitch too bad a game. Not too great, but 5 hits in 5 innings and 3 runs is something that the Yankees' offense should be able to cover. Especially when there was opportunity after opportunity presenting itself.

But no, the Yankees want to keep things interesting. I want it to start pouring out, lightening thunder the works, to handcuff me home so I can avoid cheering for Boston in a public place. Let me indignify myself in private, please.

Yankees jumped to an early 2-0 lead in the 1st, and maybe we should've sense trouble when both were sac flies. I know, I know. There's nothing wrong with a sac fly. It gets a run in and all, so no reason to complain.

But I think they're telling to some degree. It means you're getting them the cheap way. The Yankees should be loosening the purse strings at this time of year when it comes to how they're collecting runs. ALL IN ALL IN ALL IN!

Rajai Davis, who seems to be in the always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride role on my fantasy team, was the star of the game. He answered NY's 2-0 lead with a homerun in the 1st and then reached on an single in the 5th to plate Mathis.

Girardi pulls Pettitte in the 6th, and Joba promptly gives up a double to Hechavarria. It's the last time anyoen scores, so the fact Joba struck out the side in the following inning serves only to underscore the fact he didn't lose game.

He wasn't pitching badly. He inherited runners. And this may be the first time since the Midge Debacle that I've ever defended Joba. It's most likely going to be the last time I defend him, too.

I will also rush to the defense of ARod because it really was his split second decision at 3rd that really cost us the game. Fielding a Rajai's game-tying single in the 5th was a mistake. He should've let it go foul, but that's easy to say now.

It's like a cop shooting someone who draws a gun on him. The rulebook and seasoned instincts tell you that this means to shoot. So you do. The unfortunate sequelae should not be subjected to harsh judgement.

Yeah, you know who I'm going to blame irrationally? Swish. Only because he called Sunday's game a must win. It's not a must-win, clown. It's a really important-to-win, but not a must. So just put the kabosh on this nonsense now. Nip it in the bud and just focus on getting your R-I-t-W game tomorrow, please.

But in the interesting of being pleasant, it bears mentioning that Swish was 2 for 3. And in the same vien, it should be noted that the Yankees WERE hitting the ball. Well. That was encouraging. Cano was also 2 for 3, Sneach was 3 for 5...just no one really hit when we needed 'em to.

So, in the grand scheme of losses, this was maybe a 5 out of 11. 11 being the absolute worst kind of loss, 1 being the rare instance of it barely raising your blood pressure at all, not even a disappointed sigh.

Just don't let it happen again, Yankees. I don't think my body is in any kind of shape to take the kind of stress that comes from being in a spot of chasing 1st place with 3 games left against Boston.

Deos de ludis--adjuva nos foras. Boni sumus populum. Realiter.

"This is the type of baseball that I enjoy. It's high intensity. This is why you play the game." -R-Mart

Sweet Christ, what the hell is it with everybody getting off on this whole suspenseful element? To be sure, I DID enjoy this game. Because they won. And because it was not, as R-Mart purports, intense.

Also, from some reason that quote makes me nostalgic for 4L. There was something very Kanye about the quote. Except, the opposite, sort of: This is the type of baseball that I enjoy. That's that shit that I like. Yeah, buddy.

So there's that. Also, happy birthday Alex R! Glad the boys could make it happen for you last night!(Pause.) Ugh, sorry, I just reread that. I'm glad the Yankees could make a win happen for you last night, to be clear.

The Yankees supposedly have a 99.7% of making the playoffs. So they're like one of those desserts that's all, "We're ALMOST fat free. I mean, we'd totally be 100% far free if we wanted to be, but like we're basically fat free. 99.9%. Guaranteed. Almost."

I mean, Ima go off topic for a second (maybe it'd make more sense if I announced when I was going to stay on topic, rather than the opposite?) Anyways, is anyone else wondering about the mindset is for a team like the Brewers?

They have a 0.1% chance of making the playoffs, but that isn't a 0.0% chance so I really like imagining Norichiko Aoki (sp? doesn't matter) trying to hoist himself up on a soapbox in the locker room, and then giving a rousing speech about never ever ever giving up that no one understands, because the translator botches everything?

Aoki said, though a translator, "Forever I do not want to sacrifice any event north."

And then somewhere Winston Churchhill is nodding and giving a knowing a wink in the background. Because HE knows what he meant. 


Back to R-Mart, the disciple of the Glenn Excitement Philosophical School of Thought (GEPST). But you know what, I'm just gonna let our boy R-Mart be, since he's really been showing up lately. Plus, I like R-Mart. I like how he wears his heart on his sleeve. All of his press comment etc are devoid of PR polish. They're just guileless candor said sans translator. Cheers, R-Mart. Keep it up, you're a good egg.

(For those into that kind of stat/details thing, R-Mart hit a 3 run bomb, putting his September BA at a respectable .263. Considering his overall 2012 season BA is hovering around .210, it goes without saying that this had not been a banner year offensively for him. Or defensively, for that matter. Even though my dad insists I must be watching a different Russell Martin because he's been great behind the plate all year.)

Anyways, the Yanks beet the Jays 11-4, and the O's beat Boston 9-1, and the 1-game lead in the East remains, with 5 games left to play. Just typing that sentence made me feel like I used to feel in the 20 minutes I'd be pacing backstage before the curtain went up. That damn-kids-playing-tetherball-with-my-intestines kind of feeling.

After a very un-Yankee-y game on Thursday, where Ivan Nova pitched Toronto into a 6-0 victory, but didn't pitch himself out of a job, since what are the options? Nova's got AJ Lite potential. Meaning the potential to be a diluted version of AJ Burnett. Is that a compliment? Sometimes. Which is exactly why he's AJ Lite.

Kuroda gets his 3rd win in 5 games, and his line for the game embodies the entire team's season:
in a little over 5 innings, he allowed 10 hits (matching season high), 2 runs, 2 walks, and 4 Ks.

Similarly, I was talking to our favorite excitement mongrel today about how it's weird the Yankees are in 1st place.
"Yeah, they did have a 10-game lead and all..."

"No, no. It's weird because barring that 1.5 month spurt of awesome (pause) right before the All-Star break, I feel like the Yankees have been not that impressive more often than they've been impressive, yeah?"

Then Excitement Mongrel's fellow art director (a Met fan) chimes in that the Yankees run differential is something like 110, while the Os' differential may actually be negative. That was an appropriate comment because it supported the fact that yes, this season and the resulting standings have been all loony tunes.

You know what one of the greatest parts about the game was? The efficacy of the relief performances. It was "neat," for lack of a better word. My favorite words to hear are always "We're way ahead of schedule" because it indicates that everyone is being efficient. The conga line of Phelps, D-Rob, Eppley, and R-So got the job done, albeit there was no shirt untucking.

Another great part of the game? The Jays' starter's post-game self-evaluation: "I didn't throw a lot of strikes. I was kind of all over the place." THANK YOU, CHAD. That was very honest of you. I hate it when losing pitchers are like, "I felt like it was a strong outting, my sinker was working for me. I just threw a couple of bad pitches." No one cares. You lost the game.

As for Yankee offense, aside from R-Mart, there was the Swish dounle to put the Yanks on the board, Jeter's GIDP that scored a run (of course. Even when he GIDPs, it's lovely and helpful), Sneach was on base a few times, but I'm not sure I ever really saw him bat. Again, I'm not sure he ever really does. He just will wind up on base somehow. He taught David Blaine everything he knows, I'm sure of it. Cano and Chavez capped off the scoring in the 8th and 9th,

All in all, the Yankees got 13 hits on 188 pitches (good grief, way to work the counts!), and were .333 with RISP.

Oh, and GGBG returned to line up. NBD.

More like...BD! Ok, yeah he was one of the only 2 people on the team to not get a hit (hi, Dickerson), but welcome back, Short Round!

I'm glad everyone's back together. It's nice to see all the start-of-the-season guys convelescing for Yankee Time (fall). Although I wonder if anyone on the team is looking at them like my dad looks at people who try to avoid waiting on the exit ramp line off a highway, and try to cut in from of him at the last minute.

Probably not though. See, I'm already losing my grip on logical thought and it's not even Socks series time. I got an early taste of how my aggression is going to manifest itself for the reason of baseball, when hanging out with my former co-worker Brian W. who said, (verbatim):

"How awesome is it that the Yankees are consistently playing this great now, in the last week of baseball, when it counts? They've only lost one! I love how they're just killing it."

I guess some people might look at this and think, well what's wrong with that?

To those people I'll say the same thing I told Brian: "I swear on everything's that holy, if the Yankees start shitting the bed now, I will come and find you and garrote you."

"I don't know what garrote means. You copywriters can't even make threats like a normal person."


I love baseball.

Shame on you, Encarnacion for hitting the ball so hard. I had to say that because that may have been one of the oddest exclamations of cheerful contempt that I’ve ever heard escape from our boy Sterling’s mouth. So, yeah, he said that on July 17, 20012, which makes July 16, 2012 the last day in my life I didn’t know the joy of saying “Shame on you” in regards to a baseball player.

HOWEVAH, the aforementioned assignation of shame is ostensibly misplaced. Much in the way a chick takes it out on the Other Woman when her boyfriend cheats, instead of waging war on the slime who bedded another woman in the first place.
The true shame, blame, and other indications of culpability regardless of their rhyming value, should be placed squarely on the wiry frame of one Ivan Nova.

Sorry, Nova. But that was far from a super outing. And, worse, it was far from a Yankee performance. Everyone pitches a bad game once in a while (save this guy, I guess), but Yankees don’t typically have bad games in situations like this.

I mean, come on, guy! It’s not like I’m saying, “Why can’t you be more like Andy?” Well, yes and no. Yes, I’m saying you should be more like Andy, and no, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be more like Andy.
See how all the Yankee pitchers have been suiting up loaded for bear lately? That’s because we’re in a bit of a bind right now. An annoying unnecessary one, at that, since there was a 10-game cushion at one point.

But, that’s neither here nor there. So where is it? Seriously. I hate that expression, because what does saying “it’s neither here nor there” actually mean? It’s,,, where? Here and there are the only options, so if it is neither of those places, it doesn’t exist, yeah? I guess maybe the here-there thing actually may work in this case, though, since, indeed, the 10-game lead no longer exists.

Nor did any runs for the Yankees tonight, which amounted to a 6-0 loss against a team that has now shaved their Games Back number to 22. Maybe there’ll be some kind of NIT-esque one-game playoff between the Jays and Boston.
More relevant, however, it that the Yankees are back to being only 1 game ahead of the O’s, and the !@#$ As lost to Texas. Which means the O’s got doubly helped out tonight, while they sat at home and caught up on all their DVR-ed fall season premieres.

Fan-f’n-tastic. As if the O’s haven’t already irritated the shit out of me enough, now they’re rubbing it in my face that they’re on a magical rollercoaster of Law & Order: SVU-evoked emotion, splashing around in the whimsical duck pond of “New Girl”delight, and basking in eminent glory of another season of the Office…while I’m trying to calculate how many bottles of Pepto I need to pick up before next week starts.

I guess, in fairness, the O’s aren’t really rubbing it in (pause), so much as I’m not only inventing scenarios, but then inexplicably rubbing my own face in them. Which…yeah, my mental deterioration is adhering to schedule. One week left of regular season baseball (hopefully not one week left of all baseball, though). My psychic crippling is right on schedule.

So, the game. Morrow, Lincoln, and Oliver (the law offices of..?) 5-hit the Yankees, while Nova, Color Swatch, D-Lo, and Aardvaark give up 6 runs on 6 hits. Actually Color “The RIGHT Lefty Specialist” Swatch shouldn’t get lumped in with those dudes since he only threw one pitch, and it wasn’t of the Farnsworth/Sturtze variety, aka no one rocketed it into 161st street.

Three of the Yanks’ hits came off the bat of Cano and 2 came from R-Mart. Thanks, guys. It’s like all the nothings you did for the last 5 months are totally negated! Ha, I’m kidding, I hate when people do that.
They had good games, and that fact remains whether they have a season of good games, or if it’s their first good game. Treat everything as an isolated incident, and it’s a lot harder to shake your spirit.

Whatever, I’m still disgruntled, vacuum-existing or not, the Yankees still lost.

The Yankees stranded 7 runners, but on the birght side, they were privileged enough to see how a team is SUPPOSED to play. Lawrie hits a 2-run shot in the 3rd. Encarnacion shamefully plates another 2 with a  double that landed close to the short porch. Phew! 4-0 is NOTHING, we can come back from that no problem.

Except that never happened.

Encarnacion’s single [shamefully] plates a runner in the 7th, and the Yankees are soon down to their find 6 outs. Which they didn’t cash in on until first torturing us. Arod gets HBP, pointlessly but he IS Arod so it’s sort of like when my buddy John said he doesn’t understand why prosecutors are burdened with having to prove motive in rape-homicides.
“Isn’t the motive always, ‘to have sex’? What’s the confusion?” Similarly, Arod gets plunked because he’s Arod so his at bat was wildly offensive at baseline. (Not to me. But to most.)

Oh, and Arenciba went yard in the 8th. Gluttons. They didn't even need those runs.

Back to square 1. With 3 games left in Toronto before returning home to kick off what should be a totally stress-free series against our pals in Boston.
Paene Miseresco mea pauper amicus Glenn, qui est super Cuspis Introducti ad inhumanum sociopath id est CYC durante October baseball. Staplers, facere bonos armis.

Normally I;m not a big fan of the day games during work hours. For obvious reasons. But this was nice. It was pleasant. Like an impromptu brunch or something. No stress, a lot of strong points, and it puts you in a good frame of mind for the rest of the day.

I’m writing this on the train home, and while there’s something about coming home to your parents that erases the grind of a day in a way that coming home to your own apartment cannot*, I’m looking at about another 8 hours of work. If I had to juggle that with the mania of watching a last-week-of-baseball-during-a-playoff-race game, I’d undoubtedly turn into one of those cartoons whose head spins around so fast that it flies off the body.

I don’t know what cartoon this is, but it sounds familiar. Probably something in the fantastic 90s movie Stay Tuned that I think maybe one other person in the history of ever has seen.

*Home. Cooked. Food. And 2 people who are always excited to see you, in addition to a cat who thinks it’s a surprise and a miracle that you come home.

Also, according to Ohyob, the Yankees are playing the White Sox next weekend. Which is interesting since even if he was saying it in a mark-my-words-the-Yankees-are-going-to-playing-Chicago-in-the-playoffs type of way (which he wasn’t), it’s impossible for that to happen. I’m wondering what he knows that everyone else doesn’t.

I thought maybe he was thinking of the Red Socks series, but no, that starts on Monday. I want to live in Ohyob’s head sometimes, and revel in the lawless, hedonistic land where time is fungible and life is pretty much a giant game of Sim Town where both people, careers, and quality of life are no more alive or significant than a computer code.

However, there is no baseball in Ohyob’s head. So if there was a Zagat’s entry on it, it’d say: “People” seem content in this “monument to Bacchanalia, Tolstoy, and squash” but criticize the lack of “real sports” and “normal social conduct.” Despite its “angrily apathetic lack of décor,” patrons give this “neighborhood secret” their approval, even though the manager calls said patrons “rousing ibuffoons.”

Ok, moving on. The Yankees won! Fatso was superb. Not that I actually saw any of his 10 Ks, but I saw the simulated pitches. I think it’s nice how Gamestracker adds these little extra touches to make it feel as close to watching a real game as possible. They could just use little pixelated avatars, but no. They go the extra mile. Kudos to ESPN’s creative department.

The Twinkies jumped to an early lead, and they were probably SO SO SO excited. They don’t look forward to the Yankees coming in town, I think. Iowa Jeff was never a huge fan of these games, due largely to the fact the Yankees always found new and innocuous ways to making the Twinkies hate life.

Carson plates Doumit in the 2nd, and that’s when the Twink fans could’ve left Target. It’s kind of funny to me that Target is the team’s corporate sponsor since the owner of the Twinks is like a bajillionaire who just doesn’t want to shell out any money. It’s like his way of saying, frugality is the spirit of baseball, I’m just doing the right thing.

Whatever, I like Minnesota, they’re adorable. And speaking of insanely hot, Mauer was 0 for 4 but was probably really nice about it.

Round Boy all in all gave up 6 hits, 2 runs, and a walk. The only downside of missing this game was the fact that it sounds like his pitches were just like the filth that soils filth. Like, Billy Chapel in “For Love of the Game” type of filth.

Cano continued to pick up the pace (Jesus, remember when the season started and he was like Michael Myers-esque invincible? If I had but world enough and time, I’d look into exactly when the slump began, and I’d assign some irrational stimulus to it. Next time.) He doubled in a run, Grandy tripled in a run, and basically the Yankees made it look like either:

a.)   They were just on automatic pilot, sensing October ball on the horizon.

b.)   Minnesota is where opponents’ slumps go to die.

Speaking of dying, Jeter’s hitting streak. Dead at 19. (Sounds like a Dateline episode.) Soooo close to tying Dimaggio! So close.

A-Rod was out with a bruised foot. I’m almost at the point where I’m like, Just don’t give us a reason. Or make up a story. Say you got jumped by the NFL’s replacement’s refs and they stabbed you repeatedly. I’m actually curious to see who the world with side with if Arod ever trotted out this story. But a bruised foot?

First of all, I’ve never even seen a bruised foot. And I played soccer and kicked a lot of furniture. Even when I broke my toe, I wouldn’t describe my foot as bruised. I’m marginally terrified that we’re gonna learn Arod takes ballet in his free time, because it helps with his psychological balance and poise. Arod is to his life coach as my mom is to her TomTom.

“Lauren, the TomTom is saying to turn here and wait for the light. So I’m not moving until the light changes.”

“There is no light. Just a lake. Also, we’re not on a road anymore.”

In Arod’s absence, we were treated to a very Arod move by Chavez, who was filling in at 3rd. The old thinking there are 2 outs instead of 1 gag.

I know, it’s a lot to remember. The number of outs. And..that’s it, actually. It’s not like the ump is going around the field making everyone introduce themselves with their name, their position, and where they’re from. Which actually always stresses me out in meetings. I don’t know why.

Chris Dickerson homered for the Yanks, and Eppley who is a real Lefty Specialist unlike some pitchers I know, got the last 3 outs to not get a save but to give Girardi some practice in micromanaging his pen.

The Yankees are 2 up on Baltimore, but the O’s are currently beating Toronto 6-2 in the 6th. Also, my train is pulling up to my stop.

Tomorrow Ivan Nova goes against Brandon Morrow. Scary. This whole week is making me disintegrate like cartoons do.

Magica numerus est sex.  [pause.] Infirmorum! Sacculum praestigias!

R-Mart says Boone has been "money all year."

I guess he would know better than me.

I'm not even gonna try to pigeonhole Blogan, because he may be the most complex pitcher on that team. (Somewhere, Mike Mussina is throwing his crossword puzzle down in a huff, sputtering about how he'll show YOU complex!)

Seriously though. Would you do as R-Mart does and identify Blogan as "money"? Or is that too generous? Have his good starts been the norm or the anomalies?

Where is this absurd strikeout rate coming from? He hovers around the 12 K/9 mark with a fastball that generally tops out at 9 and an above average, below phenomenal slider.

You know how Sneach has this way of appearing on base when you aren't even 100% positive he ever even batted? Blogan has this way of holding onto leads in such a way that you never are blown away. Blowganned, as it were. Or if it weren't, it is now.

Hughes made it through 7, barely, and I almost sympathize with him, since he lost any ability to pitch beyond 5 innings, like 2 years ago. So when you ask him to do a little bit more, he's all like this.

Or this.

I know that feeling. Like when a meeting is scheduled to go from 1-2, and at like 1:55, my body is mentally already halfway to the Italian Sandwich Store, but then 2:05 comes and 2:10, and there's no end in sight. I hadn't planned on this! My mind only was calibrated to be on point for an hour! Now, there's trouble.

Similarly, in the 7th inning, Hughes plays a fun game of baseball jenga, where he sees how many players he can pile on the bathpaths before the game is broken open.

99 pitches. (Among the many, many reasons I could never manage baseball, or anything with so many numbers, is the fact that there is NO WAY, I would've stopped at 99. Just let him pitch 100! Make it a round number! GOD.)

Hughes said he wanted to stay in. WHY? You just loaded the bases and clearly had NOTHING left in the tank. Why would you WANT to remain in the game? You're like those people at work who are completely useless on account of coming into the office with a raging case of the flu, and when they're not getting everyone else sick, they're refusing to go home and get better.

"Bo, bo. Bime fide. Rully."

So, "cooler" heads prevailed and Girardi pulls him and goes to Blogan. It's being called "the safe bet."

The safer bet, with a 3-1 lead, would've been to pitch Color Swatch. I'm sorry, I know that's like trying to playing croquet with a wet noodle, but if Girardi is arguing that he made the logical move, then I'm going to have to counter that with stats. Ugh. I hate you, Blogan and Girardi for forcing me to delve into the dark netherworlds of numbers and logic.

Lefties are batting .190 against Color Swatch. Against Blogan, righties and lefties are almost batting identically, average around .240.

That alone kind of takes him out of the Lefty Specialist player pool eligibility, yeah? That's like saying that I'm a soccer phenom who plays both soccer and basketball at an average level.

Anyways, Blogan blows the game, leaving us with another nuance of the Blogan Enigma over which to mull, as we consider his utility in future critical moments. You know what he is?

He's getting a 15 or 16. No matter what the dealer's holding, it's an uncomfortable hand.

Run scores on wild pitch because R-Mart isn't really the best defensive catcher. Maybe an average one. 2-run double to Span makes it 4-3. Homegrown golden boy who really is just perfect and I would definitely be awkwardly stalking him if I lived in Minnesota, well he hit a homerun because he's perfect.

Hi, Mauer. I like you. I can say that because your homerun didn't ruin our chances at a win.

Oh wait, it kind of did when Andrew [sic] Jones hit a solo shot in the 9th to put the Yanks within 1.

Nix struck out swinging to end the game. Cheers for the swinging K though. I know that sounds condescending, but really I feel like more often than not I'm watching the Yankees watching 3rd strikes to end the game. Not like in the Posada days, where he would excel at swinging at balls that bounced in the dirt 10 feet before reaching home plate, to end the inning.

Esmerling Vasquez somehow managed to only get tagged for 2 runs off 7 hits, while simultaneously managing to sound like he sound be a hot Disney gypsy with an edge.

Oh, you know what that means? Yeah. NYY 0-1 with RISP. Also kind of weird since there were 9 hits in the game (CONGRATULATIONS CANO ON GOING 3-for-3!!!)

My mom: "I think Cano is handling his slump extremely well."

She noticed that, too, huh? Yes it's impressive when a slumping players who go 3 for 3 holds himself with greater aplomb, I guess.

All 3 of Yankees' runs came from 3 bombs, Swisher puts the Yanks up 2-0 in the 4th, R-Mart makes it 3-1 in the 7th, and then Girardi decides to play things safe and effectively toss the game away, then Jones hits a wait-maybe-we-have-a-chance! homerun in the 9th.

Yankees lose. Orioles lose. 1.5 lead stays put.

The Yankees, howevah, will win tomorrow. Fatso is on the mound against some also-ran named Deduno.

Nunc est tempus cum igne probatur Aurum.  Nunc est tempus pro citiori. magis quam aurum, da mihi citiori.

Magica numerus est septem. Caelum! Progressionis!

"If winning was easy, losers would do it." --Work All-Star Matt in Finance

Minnesota may make it look easy sometimes, but now is not the time to get comfortable.

1.5 is such a dangerous number.

One is solid. Singular. Definitive.

The .5 after it dilutes the strength of one, the numerical augement belies the actual decrease in power.

One sounds resolute. One and a half sounds suspect.

I don't trust one and a half.

Among other things.

So, while my inclination is to be fired up because the Yankees are up 1.5 games, the cooler mind in me tells me to reign it in.

I'll reign it in tomorrow, right now let's focus on the fact the Yankees won and the Orioles split the Toronto double header.

I gotta keep this a short one tonight. I need to get some sleep tonight. I'm trying to keep superfluous stress at a minimum so that I have a little bit of a cushion when it comes to baseball, but I know in my heart of heart that it's fruitless. For the last 2 years, DDMAC comments have come right before the playoffs started. This year, work poses little threat to my well-being, which means I gotta worry about the Trampoline Effect. Trouble from places you never expect. Here we go.

Listened to most of this game at work, watched a few innings in a bar over sangria, then watched them close it out on Gamecast.

It was a classic Twinkies game, barring the marked absence of a walk off. Even when the Yankees are in Minnesota, I still expect them to somehow pull off a walk-off. And I'm always surprised when this doesn't happen.

Andy Pettitte pitches very Pettitte-in-September-y. 6 scoreless innings. Unbelievable. No one forget how amazing this is. It's like when my buddy Pablo was having the beer pong run of his life, I made him sign the ping pong ball, so he wouldn't forget how unstoppable he was. Similarly, do not take Pettitte's quiet but immeasurable value for granted.

Almost everyone got a hit today, except for Cano and R-Mart. It's actually kind of interesting, since the Twinks and Yanks had nearly identical line scores:

MIN: 34 AB, 10 hits, 2 BB, 5 Ks, 141 pitches
NYY: 36 AB, 10 hits, 3 BB, 5 Ks, 144 pitches

But the Twinks couldn't crunch their numbers as well, I guess.

Oh wait, you know what it probably was? The fact the Yankess hit 4 bombs. As the Yankees are want to do. Swish, Grandy, and 2 of the ZPack (guess which ZPacker did NOT hit a long ball? It rhymes with Ruin Pez. He didn't play today, which explains the big fat shiny donut in the E column.)

The pen was decent enough. The relievers that count, anyway. Joba and D-Rob did the right thing. Cory Wade (firstnamelastname insignificance) and Justin Thomas (ditto) did, as my dad would say, try to do the right thing but forgot.

In other words, gave up runs when they weren't aposed to.

Chris Parmalee hit a triple in the ninth, scoring Morneau and Doumit. He also has the distinction of sounding like a muppet name, or something a chorus would sing to the tune of scales when warming up before a concert.

Pedro Florimon homers in the 8th, and he also has the distinction of sounding like a humorous upporting role in a romantic comedy about hijinx that occur at a caribbean resort.

It was a quick game, so the brevity of the recap is written in kind. Not even 3 hours. And just like that, the Yankees have a 1.5 game lead over Baltimore.

But no one exhale yet. The week's just getting started. Never look back, they're gaining on you.

Magica numerus est octo. Magna! Celebrare!

You can't, in fact, win them all.

The O's lose, and so do we.

Nunez ruined everything.

He would NOT win the MBfrB award that I invented in my last post.


Yeah, that's right. You heard me.

The A's avoid a sweep, and while it sucks losing a game like that (given the context of the situation ie the playoffs/division standings), it's not like yesterday where it was a realllly hard-fought game.

You can't say that about games where you got 3 errors tagged to your line score. Swisher and Ibanez showed up for the game, but the rest of the team didn't provide a whole lot of timely offense. While Jeter did got 2 for 4, he struck out with 2 men on when the Yanks were down by 1. 2 for 9 as a team with RISP, and both of those were from Swisher and Ibanez.

Here's the thing, though. I'm disappointed they lost, but not mad (maybe a little at Nunez). But remember how a few weeks ago we all wanted to strangle the Yankees for playing like they were half drunk Popples? That was infuriating. But this game? Just annoying.

What IS infuriating, howevah, is the fact that the f'n fans at the game were BOOING AROD. I was spitting nails when I heard that. What the hell is wrong with you? He was 0 for 5, but do you boo anyone else when they put up a donut?

Arod is the biggest reason the Yankees won the World Series in 2009. He shows up for the games, he gets hits, he steals, his fielding is so superior that it's difficult to even tell how challenging those plays are because he makes it look easy. And he has a bad game and you throw him under the bus like that? I don't think I've ever seen a player held to such skewed double standards before.

So, it's kinda like being at the craps table. You're having a hot roll and everyone's cheering you and you're winning money for everyone. You can't seem to make a mistake, you're rolling in the deep. And then you roll a 7 and crap out.

Most people graciously cheer your long run, but there's always some yahoo who gets all affronted. As if you could just roll forever without hitting a 7. You gotta screw up at some point.

Speaking of, Kuroda gets tagged with the loss. His pitches didn't seem to be any different than those that he has thrown in the slew of W's he's amassed this season, but my dad says "It's all in the control." He really was a just a treasure trove of illogical gems today.

"Kris, kris. Watch this. Look. I'm gonna predict the next pitch."


"Are you gonna predict it before it's thrown?"

"Yes. It''s gonna be a little high."

Cespedes grounds out to the pitcher.

"See?? See??"

"That wasn't high!"

"So what?"

Well, that's a good point. You can't argue with that airtight logic.

You gotta hand it to the pen, though. No runs after Kuroda gives up 5.

Really, the only person in this game who didn't earn his paycheck was Nunez. Once in a blue moon, he'll get a hit and make up for the inevitable run he's cost us. Or he'll get a walk-off error.

It didn't occur to me yesterday, but I think it's actually creepy how everything Nunez does is in some way related to an error.

I'm imagining the dude's locker is just like tape, mitt oil, deoderant, and 18 bags of white-out. Plus, it probably looks like this:

You make so many mistakes, Eduardo.

So, yeah, his screw up was really looming large when the A's broke the game open, and took the lead. The Yanks could muster up any mystique etc. Cano strikes out to end the game.

Arod was sooo close to shutting up all the bitches who were booing him, hits a long ball caught at the warning track.

Balfour does well against the Yankees.

The A's are probably going to be in the playoffs, since who the hell knows what the Angels have been doing these days.

The White Sox and Detroit are doing their own thing in the central division. Like the table in the lunchroom the Goonies would sit at. In my mind anyway.

The Yankees magic number to clinch the AL East is 11.

There are only 10 games left of baseball. Weird.

Minnesota, Jays, Socks.

This season seems to be playing out so strangely for some reason. I don't know why.

I bet it's Sneach's doing. As awesome as he is (I've come around), he really is a weirdo. He gets to third at some point in the game and starts going all "Angels in the Outfield," flapping his arms, etc. No idea.

And I think it's hilarious beyond the telling of it that he doesn't put his bat back in the rack like the rest of the team. He takes it with him. To where, no one knows. We just know he holds onto it. Like the people at work who write their names on their food.

I like to go by the philosophy that if it's not mine, don't eat it. Writing JOAN on it 48 times in giant block letters isn't necessary.

Howevah, I think I could die happy, from a baseball fan perspective, if Sneach wrote "SNEACH" all over his bat with a sharpie.

Oh, wait, he doesn't speak English. (Right.)


That is what Google Translate came up with  for "Please write Sneach on your bat so that everyone knows that it belongs to you."

However, upon reverse translation, this is what Google Translate comes up with:

"Please write in your butt Sneach everyone because it knows that it belongs to you."

Outstanding. I'm LOL-ing. And I use that expression veryyy sparingly, despite the fact I actually laugh at everything. Now I just use LOL to avoid addressing a question.

"What are you up to tonight?"

"Hey! Not sure. LOL."

Alright, anyways, so let's move on from this game and focus on winning the next 10.

I'm concerned about all of them, because you know Boston is going to be playing like their mother's lives depend on it. Minnesota is...well, ok, Minnesota. But they're so innocuous at first blush, that at second blush they seem scary. Blue Jays are bad to everyone else except the Yankees. And we play them 4 times.

I had to have a spinal tap on Friday, and the neurologist goes, "Ok I didn't want to say anything earlier because you seemed so nervous and all, but now that it's almost over, I have to say that I'm trying really hard not to laugh right now."

"Wtf are you talking about?"

"This is just such a picture of New York, you know?"

"Oh yeah, spinal taps and pizza, that's what NY does, yo! No."

"Well, you're lying there in hospital gown with basically a bamboo shoot sticking out of your back dripping cerebrospinal fluid into a tube."

"I'm concerned that you think that's funny."

"No, the funny part is that at no point in all your question asking and everything did it ever occur to you to take off your Yankee hat. I've just never seen this before. It's so New York!"

"You think that's crazy? Trust me, by the time you see me next week, this will look normal."

Time to brace ourselves for an "exciting" week of baseball!

Salvum fac motibus agebantur. Da mihi pacem.

So does this count as a late-inning comeback? Technically they weren't trailing in the 8th, which is what that hideous stat is all about. The Yankees haven't won all year when trailing in the 8th. But they were trailing in the 13th.

Or are they still stuck with the dubious distinction of being the only team in baseball without a 8th/9th inning rally?

You know what, even if they are, they are also the only team in baseball with the distinction of being 1st in the AL East.

The Yankees won in 14 innings, no thanks to the starting pitching, a good amount of thanks to the basehits across 75% of the line-up, a lot of thanks to the As' 3 errors, and a heaping helping of thanks, a la the mashed potato bowl being passed around the table, to Raul Ibanez.

Nova was not good.

"Oh my God, another double! What's the record for most consecutive doubles in a game?"

"Um, 6."

"6 is statistically impossible. Google it. 5 sounds more right."

"Ok, yeah it's 5."

"That's what I said! I said 5. That's so funny."

Dad was right, because he usually is.

Glenn and I exchanged emails marvelling about the excitement of it all. Well, he marveled on the excitement, I thought the game was making my head spin. I had to transition from watching the game on tv to following it on Gameday while in transit. The game stayed at 5-5 for a while, until it wasn't 5-5 anymore, and it was 9-5.

I'm en route to this concert and I get off the train, walk by a bar, and see that the game isn't over. The Yankees had NOT, in fact, lost the game sometime while I was losing reception.

On the contrary, the rallied. 4 runs in the bottom of the 13th to tie the game at 9.

In my cocktail dress and Yankee hat, I slipped into Triple Crown to watch the Yankees finish off the A's. I know this sounds like an easy assessment to make, but did anyone else just feel like that, despite a season of NEVER coming from behind, that this game was in the bag?

The Yankees have broken our hearts a bunch of times this year, and there have been games when we thought it should be locked up, but they find a way to blow it. And sadly that's happened enough to the point where I stopped thinking the Yankees were going to find a way to win.

But last night, you felt it. Something was different. THIS was the Yankee team we know and love.

Ibanez is the best pick up of the year. Why is that not an award at season's end? There's the all-infuriating MVP award which should 100% be changed to "Overall Excellence Award" since it's never actually given to the player who is most indispensable to the team. So why can't we have a "MBftB award" for Most Bang for your Buck?

This would help all the other "small market teams" (like the Red Socks, right Boston?) get some recognition.

Ibanez jacked 2 yesterday, (pause), the second one being the all-important 2 run bomb that tied up the game after a passed ball and a sac fly put the trailing Yankees within 2 in the 13th inning.

Other game notes:

Sneachiro continues to be all "American Rabbit" badass. Until he stops doing amazing things, I'm going to put a clip of that weirdass movie up. Here's today's helping:

He hits a homerun, and this is why everyone hates the Yankees. Because they take a player hit a little above the Mendoza line, put pinstripes on him before actually deciding what to do with him, bench him or bat him last, and then wait while the pinstripes soak in and take effect. Within 1 month he's batting over .300 and changing lives.

That's what Sneach is doing for NY. Good boy. 3 for 5 on the day.

Of course, as I had mentioned to my dad, no one will mention anything about Arod, despite the fact he went 3 for 6 on the day, and had a HUGE play on the plate, where he somehow managed to make it home safely from second, on a single hit on a line to left field.

"You know, Arod is really a team player," says my dad.


I mean, why should they? Jeter extended his hitting streak to 16.

For all the talk about the value of being a "team player," this characteristic gets somewhat tempered when you spend so much time lionizing individual records and stats.

Grandy was 0 for 4. He's really not doing well, he's hanging out in the same tugboat as Sub-par Nova right now.

The game was won in a way that say to Brandon Moss, "Shame on you, Brandon, for hitting the ball so hard yesterday and tying the game when R-So should have been untucking his shirt."

Ball bounces off Moss' glove, Nunez scores, game over, thuhhh Yankees win, Nunez beams about how he's never hit a walk-off before. Uh, buddy? I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but you still haven't hit a walk-off. Unless you could an E3 a hit?

As for the pitching, Nova gives up 1023 doubles in a row, lets 3 runs in. Color Swatch lets in another, D-Lo another. But after that, I gotta say I was pretty impressed with the bullpen effort. I mean, even D-Lo and his run-letting-upping didn't bother me TOO much.

I, uh, can't say the same about what Sweaty Freddy did, though. What an idiot. 3 runs? He's on the wrong planet. 2 homeruns. He was pretty consistent in the 3 innings he pitched, though. Average of a run per inning. Yeah, I tried. Sorry, Freddy. Nothing good can be said of your outing.

The Yankees' overall bullpen ERA is pretty atrocious, which is weird, because how do you have a bad pen and still retain 1st place? Guess that's another reason why everyone hates the Yankees. That, and because they have a Japanese guy on their team who does magic tricks where he makes hit balls get lost in the pitcher's shirt. David Blaine-type shit.

Oh Sneach. Then he somehow ends up at 3rd base, and you didn't even know he had had an AB.

The O's, of course, won, despite the Socks putting up a good fight (cannot believe I'm rooting for Boston this weekend. I just threw up in my mouth).

The A's matched the Yanks tit for tat (hehe. tit.) but it wasn't enough. It was enough to pretty much deplete the boys' resources for today's game, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Oh, and it bears mentioning that if your name is "Melky," you're not going to have an auspicious start with the Yankees.

But you'll also probably eventually morph into a surprisingly stunning defensive asset.

Someone should point poor Melky Mesa to this.

Outstanding effort, Yankees. You know what that was? EXCITING. That walk-off error was exciting, that win was exciting. The game was trying on the heart muscles, but that moment when the game is yours? That's why we love the game.

I live for this, for MLB,
The rapture and sublimity.
The tension that drenches a full count with two out,
The 9th inning rally that dismantles a rout.
The low-scoring game, the battle of aces,
The 12th inning jam, the loading of bases.
I live for the rush when baseball arrives.
The heart-stopping moments we feel most alive.
The highs, the lows, I’ll take it all,
I live for the sound of the words, “Play ball!”


Message from Glenn after Brandon Moss's game tying homerun: "I'm sorry, but this is exciting!"

Response from me: "I hate you."

It's only exciting if you end up winning. Glenn is one of the few Yankee fans I know whos fanatacism isn't tempered by a desire for "excitement." I don't want exciting games. I want blow-outs.

The phenomenon about "excitement" is that it's almost a Catch 22. NYSportsJerk and I will talk about February 3, 2008, because we both agreeed it was the best day of both our lives. But at the time, neither of us really appreciated that.

It was an exciting game, we can say that now. But during the game, that "excitement" is lost on you if you're white-knuckled or trying to hold back anxiety vomit, lest the nerves get the best of you and you're making a mess through your Giants' helmet mouthguard.

I know, standard game-watching problems.

I can appreciate a good baseball game, but within reason. The Yankees blowing a 1-run lead in the ninth, when the O's had already finished off Boston...Glenn must have nerves of steel, or else just a really, really sunny disposition.

It's like when my mom and dad will be on some quasi-long road trip somewhere and they invariably get lost. My mom laughs when she's nervous, and my dad finds someone to blame when he's nervous.

"Thomas, this is fun! It's an adventure!"

My dad reacts to this without as much delight as I do to Glenn's insistence on how exciting this all is!

It sucks that couldn't even get the W out of an AMAZING start. He finally gets a good one, too. I wonder how much that bothers pitchers, not getting the W despite getting the quality start and team win.

The thing about baseball players is that even though they catalogue their stats with unrelenting precision, the premium they place on it is never discernible. Not like basketball. (cought...Pippen...cough).

Just another wonderful thing about our pasttime! (Sunny disposition, check.)

No guts=no glory.
Alright, quick one because the 1:00 game is already about to start. (That's what she said?)

Fatso blanks 11, walks 2, metabolizes nothing.

Grandy sac flies in a run, 1-0 game in the 4th. Jarrod Parker's first start in GNH was a good--nay, excellent--showing.

"Toe-to-toe" with the big guy, except if you try to picture this, it's funny because I'm imagining Round Boy's gut providing about 3 feets of cushioning, making a toe-to-toe situation nearly impossible.k

Moss jacks one off R-So in the 9th, which induces a collection groan from the bar. Also, induced me to throw the stuffed husky I won at the San Gennaro festival.

This was frowned upon. I'm not saying I was kicked out, or asked to leave, but let's just say, I thought it was a good time to exit.

Kicking ass, taking names.
No one beats me at the water gun game.
Yankees fail to walk one off in the bottom of the 9th, D-Rob comes on and pitches scoreless 10th (another pristine performance from him. Thanks, buddy!)

Bottom of the 10th, R-Mart hits a bomb, and boy was it exciting!

THAT was exciting! Being in a NYC bar when a Yankee hits a walk-off during a tight pennant race in September, that's exciting!

The eruption of cheers and hugs and comraderie that envelopes the atmosphere when your team has a walk-off...EXCITEMENT!

But everything up until that point? Hell. Until it's a win, it's hell.

Only THEN, Glenn, is it exciting.

Sneachiro is a beast. And by "beast" I mean that Sneast is like the American Rabbit.

I know he's not American, but when trying to think of some creature that seemed to have boundless powers (Bounders) but didn't effect the grizzly connotations of a "beast," I thought of the American Rabbit. Which was one of the weirdest cartoons I was obsessed with in my youth.

The others in that dubious list:

  • Super Ted ("This is a story about an ordinary teddy bear. When he was made, they found something wrong with him and threw him away like a piece of rubbish, into an old dark store room. Then, from outer space, a spotty man brought him to life with his cosmic dust. He took him to a magic cloud where Mother Nature gave him super powers. that bear became SUPERTED!")
  • Brave Little Toaster
  • Unico
  • The Chipmunk Adventure

Anyways, Sneach is the equivalent of a bunny who runs so fast that he turns into an American flag with roller skates and the ability to fly. Also, he plays the piano and saves the world from disaster. He wears glasses and spells his name "Robb."

I never understand why movies go out of their way to spell the names of their characters weirdly. Like in Clueless, Brittany Murphy is "Tai." I only know these things because of watching everything with captioning. There's a whole world of pretentious spellings out there that you don't even know about unless you're deaf.

Which brings me to the point that after the Yankees trailed 2-0 early (that's a switch, yeah?), Sneach takes matters into his own hands and plates 3 before the game's halfway mark even rolls around. Oh yeah, and one of those ribbies was a solo shot. Why not, ya know? Couldn't hurt.

The 4th inning was a lot of fun to listen to, so I can only imagine how much the stadium go-ers were loving it. Jeter drives in a run, so he probably broke a record. As my ex once said after Jeter tied Gehrig in 2009: "So basically every hit Jeter gets from now on is a record-breaker. He's breaking his own record, but it's still record breaking."

So Sneach the Beast or Flag Bunny starts the inning off with his ribbie double, and Swish finishes the rally with a grand slam, his 3rd of the year. Which means for the last 3 years the Yankees have had someone on the team hit 3 grand slams in a season.

I gotta give Elias Sports Bureau credit--if there's a streak, coincidence, pattern...they're gonna find it. I wonder if there's some kind of internal competition there, to find the holy grail of stats. If there's not, there should be.

The Jays leave the 4th inning with a 6-run deficit, but get 2 of those back in the top of the 5th, with a homer that scored Lind. Who stills play baseball.

The Jays didn't put up their best effort. Remember how this was the POWERHOUSE JUGGERNAUT OFFENSE TO BEAT?

(Not that I'm one to talk, since our own team was something of a force with which to be reckoned at one point in the season. Now we're living off the food stamps of baseball runs, which are errors, sac flies, and fielder's choice. Once in a while they'll win a scratch off ticket and take some pitcher deep, but right now the Yankees' scoring is living hand to mouth.

And you know what, they didn't play like that today. They played like a good team. Who had lots of talent. And of whom everyone should still be scared.

As if to punctuate this point, D-Rob struck out the side in the 9th.

That was exactly what he had to do. It really was worth a lot more than just 3 outs and a save. Seriously. I feel like my mom now, who wrote the book on mountain-making from molehills ("They were out of cinnamon raise bagels at the deli. You know what this means, don't you? We're all gonna die.") But seriously, those 3 strikeouts were so aggressive and forceful and borderline humiliating (to Toronto, to be clear).

D-Rob knocked them down like they were empty beer cans on a terrace. And you take them off the terrace and put them on the ground and stomp on them so purposefully that they flatten and you feel so great about it.

I assume it feels great anyway. Every time I try to do it, the can flies out from under my foot, like it's a tomato seed or something.

As for the starters, I was pleased to see that Laffey didn't make me Cry-y. (Mom genes.) Hughes wins his 3rd straight, striking out 9. Four of these strikeouts came in the 4th inning. There are only 3 outs in an inning, so this is unusual. Lawrie reached on a passed third strike. If you mix up the letters in his name, it spells We Bat til Err.

The bullpen mishmosh of the evening included D-Lo, Wade, Joba, D-Rob. D-Rob, as said, was brilliant. The rest were adequate which is the same as brilliant. All we need to do is get through the innings without losing.

The relievers did that, so they earned their paycheck. Maybe not Wade, but I still don't really consider him a Yankee. Sometimes I don't consider him a corporeal being. Cory Wade sounds like a fake alterego. His name mixed up is Ye Coward.

The Yanks still are hanging on to their 1st place spot. My Dad told me that this is the most the Yankees have been above .500 all year. Is that true? If it is, then that would mean the Orioles have just been playing really well, right?

And not that the Yankees have been playing really badly? I hate math, this is making my head spin thinking about it. Sometimes my Dad will say stuff like that because he knows I'll never be the wiser. When I was little he told me that there was a number between 6 and 7 called "Bleen."

And I believed him. I even asked my teacher when were going to learn about adding bleens. She probably thought I was eating gluesticks during recess.

Oh, then there's this from Sneach commenting on his adoring reception at Yankee Stadium (I'm sorry, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, I'm all over the place): "You could say that I'm surprised, but maybe when I was with the Mariners in right field, I did try and communicate with those fans in right field, maybe make some friends."

Oooh, what a tangled web we weave! COMMUNICATE HOW?

I don't care, Sneach. You can be pretend uni-lingual as long as you're real multi-talented. You've been doing it all (except selling hotdogs, according to Sterling). Every just keep doing exactly what you're doing. No one move.

I feel like I used to feel in grade school, when the most stress-inducing element of my year was the morning of classtrips. When the bus seating would happen. I panicked about whether I wanted the inside or the aisle, whether I would sit next to Melissa or Danielle (this is exactly why you can't have "2 best friends.")

So anyways, everything would work out, and I'd spend the rest of the ride beaming about how the stress was over, since all the seating was peaches. Then the trip would be over, and panic would set in again, and I'd frantically be running to the bus flapping my arms wailing "SAME SEATS SAME SEATS!"

That's how I feel. SAME SEATS, YANKEES.

Everything looked good. Mutatis mutandi.

This is Yankee time.

*This post was started in an 8' by 10' storage facility. If those doors locked from the inside, I would have stayed and played the piano all night. Unbelievable acoustics.

Ahh, it's 1:15 am, and I'm actually kind of surprised it's that early. I love that feeling. Like a mini-version of waking up on a Saturday and thinking it's a Sunday.

With the first half the double header being played in the day (as the first half of double headers are want to be played), I was handcuffed to Gametracker. Realllly wanted the Pettitte game to be the 2nd game, but as it turns out, it was probably better I didn't get to see the day game. Apparently, he was pitching for a crowd of about 12 or something.

And he was not happy about it. I love Andy, but I think it's kind of funny that he does the now boilerplate move of returning from retirement (dramatically) to the open arms of adoring fans...and when he comes off the DL (dramatically) riiiiight around the time that he basically has a copyright on. I mean, Pettitte=Late September Glory. Like Pavarotti and opera, it's a connotation in which he's resolutely entrenched.

"Look who's back, guys! Please, don't crowd, don't crowd. Hey, isn't anyone gonna crowd?"

Hey, Andy? We're "geeked" you're back (I just learned that word from Strange). We just couldn't all take off work to personally welcome you home.

But of course we missed you. Quandoque cum una persona est absentis, totum mundus videtur populatae.

It's funny because while Andy was probably expecting the stadium to be just BRIMMING with salivating fans, I just imagine Arod peeking out into the seats and being all "Phew!" I swear there was a theater major who, before every play we were in was just about to start, she'd stick her head out from behind the curtain, survey the crowd, and either say, "Great. Just great. Full house." Or "guess what! Half empty. Thank God."

Why audition in the first place? She said because she thought acting was fun, but didn't like to do in front of a lot of people. I guess at a place like Washington & Lee where the only rule is not to lie, theater might have been an outlet? Whatever, the point is that I think at one point in Arod's life he loved playing for a crowd. Then probably around the time he joined the Yankees, he started wishing for a schedule full of day games.

Yeah, it's 2AM now and I haven't even scratched surface of 1st game. Here we go. My efficiency is going to be the stuff that sand pipers envy.

Jeter's gets to take the first game off (is that a "gets to" or a "has to" situation? I hope it's the latter.) Sneach leads off in his stead and good God, where the hell did this guy come from? One day the Yankees just pick him up, NBD, and then he's acting all ageless and Sneachy and bomber-y all at once.

That is to day, he got 3 hits. Excitement!

He also made a run-saving, if not game-saving, catch that has been described as "great." Obviously, I didn't see the game, all I saw was a red dot pop up next to the Outs section of Gametracker. But the way it was talked about across Twitter et al, you'd think he had done this and not this.

Yeah, he made an awkward catch that shouldn't have been that awkward. But because he has no bone marrow and is basically one of those things in Lord of the Rings that doesn't make footprints (an elf? I hate those movies), he got the wind knocked out of him by a line drive.

He said this THROUGH A TRANSLATOR (the gig is up! I saw you laughing with Joba!): "I'm glad I don't have a big belly because if I did it might've hit the belly and popped out."

He sounds like he's talking about an induced pregnancy, and not a routine outfield snag. I like to see translators having fun† with their sneachily English-speaking clients.

After 5 beautiful innings where he let up 4 hits and 0 runs, the bullpen came in to finish the rest of the game. Color Swatch, D-Lo, Joba, Blogan, D-Rob, and R-So. A helluva lot of relievers used. Especially considering there was a WHOLE OTHER GAME TO PLAY THAT NIGHT.

Girardi is so f'n indecipherable sometimes. You know who else is? R-So. They need to stop interviewing him in the post-games because he sounds more and more concussed and less and less like something other than a sheet of copper being flapped in the wind.

D-Rob's bloom has fallen from rose. Or a petal has, at least. A couple of bad outings in a row. He did this last year and the year before when shit was starting to get real. 4 hits in frame, 2 runs.

As for offense, Cano doubles in first run, Arod grounds out a run, Grandy sac flies a run, Swish singles in a run. More of the same. Barring the MOMENTOUS ANDY ADVENT (ANDVENT), I don't know if fans got their proverbial money's worth.

The night game, however, was a good one. They got more bang for the buck, I'd say. Phelps, who has recently been promoted to "Last Name Only" status (congratulations!), is another person who seemed to be like, "Ohh, ok, this is what you need from me? Ok. Just tell me when you need it by."

Where's Ohyob? Sneach hits a ground-rule double in 9th.
He gave up 1 run and 3 hits over 7 hits. That's just outstanding beyond the telling of it. Exactly what we needed from him. Sneach also delivered. 7 for 8 on the day, and 4 of NY's 7 SBs were his.

(That's what we got him for, right? Seriously, I'm still unclear. Because I feel like the Yankees picked up Sneach the way I make impulse fantasy moves. I don't analyze my specific needs. I just look for the player with the highest stats in everything.)

Does anyone else think Sneach is just like oblivious to the fact he's playing on a team? Not in a bad way. But in a Forrest Gump way.

He swings as hard as he can, he runs as fast as he can, and never seems to care whether or not they won or not. Hell, I'm not entirely sure he knows what team he's on.

He also happened to drive in the winning run in the 8th, which prompted Sterling to say, "ICHIRO! My God, he's done everything here today but sell hotdogs!" Hehe.

Ricky Romero pitched for the Jays, and now he can add "gave up Jeter's 200th hit of the season" to "13 straight losses" in his "How I Spent the 2012 Season" list that he undoubtedly has scrawled in burnt charcoal or lipstick across his bathroom mirror.

Jeter's 200th hit means that he ties Gehrig for most 200-hit seasons as a Yankee (8), and officially is making my head spin with all the ongoing lists and records that Jeter's being tracked to break. No mas. From now on, the only one I'm paying attention to is the overall hits. No qualifiers. Just hits.

The O's OF COURSE won in 13 innings. Be more aggravating, Baltimore. Seriously. Crab cakes and pissing me off, that's what Maryland does! More so than football anyway. When has Maryland ever "done" football?

Romero also has 13 straight losses. His post-game response seemed to indicate that the problem is that he's obviously suffered a stroke: "I had a good delivery," Romero said. "That's one of the things I battled myself all year."


Whatever, it doesn't really matter.

The bottom line here is that the Yankees are still in first.

To further sum up the 4-2 and 2-1 wins that both came on the same day:

  • Ohyob tied Mike Schmitt's record for the most ground-rule doubles in a single inning during Wednesday twinbills
  • Sneachiro was pure gold‡ and counts his blessings about his belly
  • Jeter got his 200th hit of the season
  • Arod's contributions remain permanently tethered to the "under-the-radar" region of public perception
  • Phelps no longer has to be called "David"
  • R-So gets his shirt untucked then warbles through post-game interview
  • Yankees sweep Toronto despite Girardi's desperate attempts to use every pitcher ever in the history of life during Game 1
  • Oh, Casey McGehee somehow snuck back into the picture. Girardi is determining his lineup by virtue of tarot cards
Thursday night's game is Laffey vs Hughes. I instinctively am nervous about this for one of the more irrational illusory corrollaries to which I've ever subscribed.

Smyley of Detroit. Yanks didn't fare too well against him in a game played in April.

Laffey of Toronto has a name that is kind of like Smyley.

You connect the dots.

I'm happy the Yankees had such an exciting day. So before my use of "excitement" crosses into Tebow territory, I'm gonna call it a night.

Est noctem.

Or I'm gonna watch Investigation Discovery until the sun comes up.


†PS It bears mentioning that I was in China town today to accompany my dad to see a woman who was going to call China for him to talk to some random wood distributor about making pet urns. I almost want to be accused of something that happened last night, just so I can tell authorities my alibi.

‡Well, he was only 7 out of 8. If this were a test and Sneach needed to have it signed by his parents, my Dad would say, "what happened to the missing point?" God, Sneach. GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ASS. Try to keep up, we're in crunch time, buddy.

I never really liked the expression Sunday Funday because Monday gets the shaft on that one. Monday rhymes with Funday just as much as Sunday does, but no one ever says "Monday Funday"

Regardless, yesterday which was Sunday was a pretty fun day, as it were. In terms of sports, anyway. Outside of sports, all I did was sleep and move my cat in and out of harms way, as the door to the house continued to be ambiguously absent.

(I don't know, I woke up on Saturday and there was a note from my mom that said, "Call Mike about the door." So I called the number she provided and "Mike" came over, and removed the door from the hinges and ran off with it. He puts the door back on the hinges at about 10pm and then it's gone by the time I wake up.)

My dad returned from the Pet Cemetery Owners Convention, with a disappointing lack of stories about the affair. All he said was that they like to drink alot, someone was dressed up in full cowboy gear with a girlfriend dressed as Pocohontas, and that no one wanted to play pool with him. You know, all things you'd expect.

Both the Yankees and the Giants pulled off wins yesterday in miraculous fashion. The Giants more so miraculously than the Yankees.

I just learned that Ohyob only reads my blog posts when he is mentioned somewhere in the post. Which means that from now on, I'm going to shoehorn his name somewhere within the recap.

Ohyob: Litora Aues quaerunt te. Suae quisque vult quod hic eras.
Where's Ohyob? He's actually in here.
I'm not gonna recap the Giants game (for obvious reasons, but to be clear, I'm not going to recap the Giants game because I'm not CGC, I'm CYC.)

I'll briefly touch upon the ridiculous G-men win at some point, but in the interest of staying on topic, (weird) then I'll start with teh Yankees. Who managed to patch together a win using the most unlikely of suspects:


Swish BUNTED which made my jaw drop to floor because he's about as good at bunting as I am at crocheting and/or staying on topic.

ZPack3 stole 3 bases which made my jaw drop to floor because he rarely does anything relevant beyond paying defense like a semi-conscious hedgehog.

R-Mart hit a 3-run bomb which made my jaw drop to floor because the consistency at which he fails offensively is generally quite remarkable.

That last item of the bullet points put the Yankees up 5-0 by the time the 3rd inning was through (excitement!)

Anyways, I told you they'd win those last 2. Unfortunately, the f'n O's also won last night, because they're so goddamn annoying. They're starting to remind me of the freaking seagulls at the beach who, you throw ONE tostito at them, and then a whole flock of 'em comes over and starts squawking at you for more. And before you know it, you've got an empty bag of tostitos and a million seagulls and a weird tan line and nothing done on your crossword puzzles. Yeah, the O's are exactly like that.

Maddon gets ejected and he sucks because then he makes this comment about the chances of being in the playoffs: "The math isn't in our favor." Oooh, look at you, you know how to do math. Now you're just showing off. Everyone knows how I feel about math, so this is just a particular slap in the face.

Go kick rocks, Maddon.

Then he switches to something more in my wheelhouse: "The baseball gods have created 2 wild cards." No, not the baseball gods. Baseball gods refer to other things, like things you can't control. Wild cards aren't created by baseball gods, they're created by baseball BRASS. I hate him. He doesn't even know what he's talking about ever.

Our ace Kuroda (hahaha this will never stop being weird) struck out 10 in 6 innings, bringing him to a career high of 14 wins in the season. R-So got the save, and I've said it before but it bears repeating that he has been every bit as Mo-like as Mo is. Seriously. How do you think Mo would have done this season? Unless we assume he would have had 41 saves in 43 chances, then R-So has been just otherworldly.

Meanwhile, this is what Mo is doing at home:
Mo living the dream.

The ump issued warnings after Matt Moore throws behind Grandy's head (Matt Moore falls into the bucket of people of which I have to use the first AND last name. Awkward. Maybe that's what impelled him to go head-hunting? I wouldn't be surprised. I hate it when people refer to me as "Kris Pollina," too.)
Zobrist homered to put the Devil Rays on the board (oohh, Ben Zobrist only needs a last name reference, how's that make you feel, Matt Moore? Shitty? Good. Stop throwing at the Yankees' noggins.)
ARod gets that run back with a sac single. For what it's worth, ARod is really pretty f'n great at "manufacturing runs" in the conventional sense of the words. You know how I feel about that phrase, that it's ridiculous, because any development of runs, whether through homeruns or base hits, should constitute "run manufacturing," but people only use it when referring to the latter, not the former. So, good for ARod for appealing to the masses. Ha.
The D-Rays stage a bit of a rally in the 6th, but who cares about that because it fell short. Kind of like buzzer beaters in the NCAA games that buy teams another day of play, only for them to fall short before making the final four. (Sorry, NYSportsJerk.)
ARod stole his 12th base and BJ Upton struck out 4 times. Hehe. Those 2 clauses were unrelated, but I didn't know where else to put them. Kind of like when there are bases loaded and Kay gleefully notes that "there's no place to put him!"
Oh, yeah, also the Giants won yesterday, and it was bananas. The Bucs are still reeling for that one, I'd imagine. And good on Coughlin for sticking up for Eli.
What the hell kind of a headline is this, Yahoo? Who's your copyeditor? Eli throws 500+ yards, the Giants stage a comeback that amounts to 25 points in the 4th quarter, and the best you can come up with is a weird collection of words that sounds like T.S. Eliot had a hand in finessing the final copy?
Great games by both NY teams (the Yanks and G-men, that is. Not the Jets and Mets.)
The Yanks are off today, which is great because they need recharge the batteries and figure out a way to win games in conventional manners. Or by any manner, I suppose. Maybe they just need a day off to catch up on some email correspondance.
Simpliciter ustulo plura puncta quam tunc homines vos es lascivio contra me.

Newer Posts Older Posts Home