"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

Jughead probably grew up to be either a stud or fat. I know. I'm really going out on a limb.

I have probably the WORST excuse for not writing the recap of game 1 for the ChiSox series. It's so bad, I'm reluctant to say it, but we're all friends here.

Sigh. I was working from home. Mariano Rivera (the cat) went uncharacteristically bonkers and took a swipe at my face. And cut my nose. And then he started at my feet. So I took him to the vet.

The End.

Apparently you're supposed to take the pet to the vet once a year, but Mo hasn't been to her since 2005. Aka when he was 1 year old.

This is largely do to the fact that the postcards from the vet reminding me to bring him in are in the form of a postcard that'll look something like this.

Fine, that's normal. (Sort of. Kind of creepy and a little Animal Farm-y. Tomato, tomahto.) But then I'll flip the card over and any call-to-action the postcard had put forth, is immediately eclipsed by shrieks of bemused joy:

Am I being too hard on him? Possssssibly. Because I want to say that his pitches didn't look half bad. But what the hell do I know? If he goes over the fence, it's a bad pitch, yeah? I don't know. It looked like it had some kick to them. And I applaud him for cutting down his slider usage in a way that obese people cut down on starch consumption.

That's all I applaud him for, though.

Ok, here's the thing. The Yanks had a nice 3-0 lead and Sweaty Freddy actually was ok. Not like his last start, but decent. As evidenced by the 3-0 score he carried through 5. Then things fell apart, the center couldn't hold, in the 6th.

Sweaty gives up a show to Wise, 3-2. Eppley relieves him with bases loaded. You know who I want in a jam like that? Cody Eppley. (Things no one says ever.)

3-3 game.

It's not his fault, he inherited the mess, which he was probably a little happy about because it meant he could escape a certain degree of culpability.

Then Color Swatch comes in with runners on 1st and 3rd. Lets more in. 3-4. See ya, "cushion."

Chamberlain gets a Rios-on-third situation, and he lets him in. Not his fault, really. Kind of is, but whatever. I'm not up to the part where he is infuriating yet,

But now I am. He gives up a homer to start the inning. Then he whiffs Wise. Then he beans Youkalis.

I like torturing that assclown as much as the next guy, but Joba/Justin doing it annoys me. Like he's trying too hard to remind everyone of his electric youth.

“When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it’s just what you’ve been searching for all these years.” -Alex Garland, author of The Beach

Similarly, that's how I feel about Joba. Except the exact opposite. He hit one of my least favorite players in the game and I find fault with it. If ever there was stronger proof of my hollow objectivity, this is it.

Strange agreed with me, sort of. In that he texted. "I feel very conflicted about that Joba-Youkilis thing. It was weird."

The Yankees score 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th to come back, but it was short-lived.



It wasn't Joba's fault. But only because other pitches were used earlier than he was. So he didn't have the chance to initially blow the lead. He only had the chance to keep it that way.

Boone Logan and Derek Lowe (Berek Lowgan) each took their turns at giving up a homerun.

The White Sox battered our pen. And then won. Jeter's big night was not a big deal. 6-9. The homeruns abounded. Tough loss.


Tuesday, Tuesday

The Yankees lose again.

This isn't a cute little side-team-you-root-for-for-kicks anymore. Strange somehow roots for both the Yankees and the White Sox with close to equal fervor, except in instances where they play each other. This is confusing beyond the telling of it.

The White Sox are in first place in the central division. Geez. Ollie's right. I really have tunnel vision when it comes to what I pay attention to in baseball. '

And does anyone else think it's funny that Dewayne Wise has been like the game piece of Catch Phrase?

(In searching for a video example of this on the world wide web, I realized that the Pollina family perhaps plays a bit more aggressively than general populace. It's all in vain though, if my Dad and I are the same team, I could say, "cup" and he'd correctly guess "Thomas of Arabia.")

Anyways, you know what else is funny? How Wise is perfectly comfortable with this. It waffles between endearing and sad. When he says, "I'm just really happy to be here," it's not a sound byte.

He's the guy who will never be promoted to boyfriend but still hangs around the object of his affection and dotes on her, because even though he has to watch her endless stream of boyfriends, he's just happy to have some connecting thread to her.

"I mean I'm not going to lie. When you play against a former team you obviously want to go out there and try and do well," Wise said. "I don't think too many people can leave one team that was in first place and come to another one, so I'm pretty blessed and just glad to be here."

Moving on. Loss #2.

Text of the night, from Strange: "Our announcer really giving us the business on the crowd again tonight. I guess bad turnout and mostly yankee fans: "and the yankee fans...that's who's here tonight...applaud"

Jeter hit a homerun in the first pitch of the game. You'd think this would be a good sign. But it's like that scene in Clueless, when everyone is talking about "Tai's brush with death at the mall." And Alicia Silverstone is all, "Well, I know when I was held at gunpoint.." only to get interrupted by someone who wants to hear more about Tai's montage right before dying.

Jeter keeps doing spectacular things only for each accomplishment to be swept in the undertow of a losing effort.

Youkilis is an asshole. He hit a grandslam. Shame on you, Youkilis, for hitting the ball so hard. Also, he's a jackass. To boot. "I think there is a rivalry in the past that I played on and that was blown out of proportion." Oh, really, Kev-O? Really? You think there was a rivalry between the Socks and the Yankees? Or it's possible that he actually just doesn't remember anything that happened longer ago that 7 minutes. H/t to FackYouk, an all-time favorite blog:

In the immortal words of Fack Youk Hall of Famer Matt Taibbi:

Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.

I dont know what this means, but you have to assume that between this, his uncanny resemblance to Soda Popinksi (cheers, NYSJ), and his general msshapenness--he is likely in a constant stage of being concussed.

Other big hits came from our favorite aw-shucks boy Wise, 4 for 4, and Konerko, who Sterling has once noted "does everything right."

So even though the Yanks staked Nova to an early 2-0 lead, it was gone. Soon after Grandy's grounder that plated Tex in the 2nd, AJ Pierknasalskdja [sic] sac flies in Rios. Konerko does that aforementioned "right" thing.

Tied game. Which I love as long as we're not in playoff season. Adrenaline junkies, the lot of us.

Not for long. Salami. Blows game open. 6-2. Jerk store calls Youkilis to ask about his consignment rates.

R-Mart homers and the difference between an R-Mart ding and a Jeter blast is just that. One's a ding. One's a blast. One sounds like yelps and flying beers. One sounds like a dainty bottle-clinking "Cheers."

Point is, nothing came of it. But..nice shot R-Mart. Good on you.

Beckham threw on what most may term an "insurance run." I don't like this term because all the runs are insurance runs. They help ensure you win the game.

But the Yankees did not win the game. The lost the game, which made them lose a little fat in the cushion between them and Tampa. 4-game lead is, as my dad might say, "a ham sandwich" which is synonymous with anything insignificant. (Which is ironic because for my dad, calling any kind of sandwich "insignificant" is on par with saying, 'It's just a game.")

And now...what has happened to our Super Nova? I mean, he looks generic and inert.

Fortunately, I can't dwell on this concern for too long since Tubbo is starting Friday. I think he just likes the first start off the DL. Because he's a weirdo and likes things that no one else likes. Like asphyxiating humidity and heat. Oh he was a ballerina in the Oakland production of the Nutcracker.

Round Boy must absolutely KILL IT in "Two Truths and a Lie" contests.

See you tomorrow, where I'm sure I'll have scores of White Sox insights from Strange.

And hopefully just scores from the Yanks.

Ustulo plus tua quam adversarium. Numquam moreretur.