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What the hell is the deal with Cleveland's field? Why is it flypaper, literally, for every freaking avian creature? Right now there's, as Michael Kay remarked in what can only be considered genuine fear, "what looks like an Alfred Hitchcock film. Man." Legions on seagulls circling the field, strolling the field, snacking on popcorn on the ledges. Is it always like this in this city? Or just when the Yanks are in town? I actually think the chances of either of these is about equal, even despite the fact I'm wholly aware that I sometimes forget there is a world of baseball that exists beyond Yankee Universe. But I also am wholly aware that the unmitigated animosity towards the Yankees extends to all sects of nature.

And not to get so down on Cleveland since I'm sure it's a lovely city, although I have no idea what state it's even in. My first thought? "Cleveland...Illinois? No, that's not right, Illinois's not a state. Wait. Yes, it is. Chicago's a city in Illinois." I still don't know where Cleveland is.

But I DO know that on June 27, it is "Free Money Night" at Progressive Field. No bobbleheads, no free mousepads or figurines or hats or water bottles. Every fan in attendance gets an envelope with money. One of which has $10Gs. I have no idea what to make of this. Shouldn't the Reds be a little insulted? It's THAT hard to bring fans to that game that they have to pay them to go? And shouldn't fans feel a little cheap? I mean, I like the promotions as much as the next guy, but I think I'd feel a little bit like a professional escort or something. It's like giving your significant other money for her birthday.

So Kay is telling us all about Free Money Day, completely disregarding the presence of the batter or anything related to the live game, and Flaherty provides what Kay calls "Flaherty Clarity" and says, "I'm over here looking up stats and history and batting averages, and you're giving me the rundown on the promotional schedule in Cleveland. Are the Yankees even playing them that weekend? It's not like we're gonna be here."

"Well, aren't you a little snarky today."

I feel like I'm listening to my parents sometimes.

Seriously, Cano? You picked a real f'n inopportune time to revert to the 2-seasons-ago-paled version-lazy-clown version of yourself. 5 innings with no hits, only 1 walk, and a little dink grounder up the middle...and the best you can do is meekly try to bare hand it?? I could maybe understand this in a normal 7-0 game, but your pitcher is going for a no-no bid! Pick up the pace, buddy. In game 5 of the 1956 World Series, Mantle made a ridiculous play that a superhuman contortionist couldn't have made. Bugs Bunny couldn't even have made it, and he can sometimes play all the positions on the field himself. And if Mantle hadn't made that play, Don Larsen wouldn't be one of the most legendary, fabled stories in Yankee history.

And thanks to that play, the Indians' offensive floodgates have opened, and we went from a 7-run lead to 5. Right after he made that sloppy bare-handed nothing of a play, Cano sprinted after a grounder to the right like it was his paycheck being flown away by the wind. Made the stop, amazing throw to 3rd...and nothing. At least he has a fire lit under his ass now, ignited most likely by the terror of CC sitting on him once the inning's over.

I can't believe the YES booth is arguing right now over who is responsible for the no-hitter jinx. Flaherty is taking credit for it (weirdly, he's actually seeking credit for it:

Kay: Well, good job on not saying anything though! I mean, 5 innings of not mentioning the no hitter is pretty impressive.
Flaherty: It's not a no-hitter, he just gave up a hit.
Kay: I know that, I meant before.
Flaherty: Well how did let up a hit if no one jinxed him?
Kay: Well someone must have.
Flaherty: It was definitely me.
Kay: No, no. You said he only let one on base and it was walk. That's different.
Flaherty: No, I said, "He's pitching a no-hitter." I was thinking about it and said it.
Kay: Well, I've been thinking about it since the first inning!

And meanwhile, the Indians are getting about 100 (3) consecutive base hits.

I was just at a BBQ today where we're talking about sports announcers, and one of the guys there hails from England and tells us how in the English Premiere League, they'll let the fans call the games sometimes. As if the game narration in soccer could get any more ridiculous. Ray Hudson is not from this planet. It's actually impossible. No one talks like this so consistently and what's more, so naturally that it's clear that this is normal rhetoric in whatever extraterrestial species he's derived from.

"As electrifying as a hair dryer thrown into a hot tub, my friend. Absolutely
breathtaking! It puts the Haitian Voodoo rattle on this one. When he finishes --
oh! Like Betamax, they do not make them like him anymore! What more can you say? An extraordinary goal by an extraordinary player! That will send these people
into their dreams tonight thinking of heavenly things. Absolutely bamboozles his
defender with this virtuoso goal ... Look at this, gets all of his angles right,
sets it up for himself. Cygan is just a spectator, looks down at him and says,
'That's not human.' And it is not. It is superhuman."
See? Superhuman. He knows all about non-humans. Ray Hudson isn't one. Case closed.


CC's pitching is unreal right now. Even despite the ding he gave up to Sizemore. (Ding doesn't do it justice, since the ball still hasn't landed yet.) But it's just sizzling the entire 60 feet down to the plate. Amazing. Player of the game. He gets stronger with every start, and the Yankees aren't wasting them. This isn't last year when we'd see 6 innings of shutout pitching from Moose only for the team's bats to freeze and never pad him with some runs. No, this year they're all, "You do your job, and we'll do ours. Lock it up. It's all deadly."

Oh, also? I wish Posada wouldn't milk this whole transition off the DL thing and just get back in the game already. I hate the feeling when one of my fantasy players comes off the DL and I'm in that iffy, "Oooh, is he gonna need a few games before he's gonna give me those beginning season points again?" I mean, look at Posada. He waited 17 whole minutes before going 2 for 3 yesterday on his first game back, and then going yard today. I'm into it. Come out swinging, loaded for bear. You're an animal, Jorge.

Annnnd the midges have gone from a cute talking point for the announcers to an aggravating distraction on the tv screen. It's making me itchy, has the watching-Arachnophobia-effect. Plus I'm getting increasingly more anxiety-ridden thinking about Joba's start tomorrow. It's like the kids in that movie "It" returning to the sewer as adults to fight the scary clown. Except for Joba, the clown is a swarm of gnats that buy the all-you-can-eat buffet on Joba's Neck Early Bird Special Night.

Derek Jeter almost dropkicked Kim Jones for bringing up their error-free streak. Didn't realize how superstitous he was. He's always Mr. Ah You Know, It Is What It Is. But I guess that was before the Yankees turned into their alter-egos. And I think it's time I finally finished the Jeter piece I start writing and abandon, on a daily basis. I've been waiting to see if I can figure out why he's branded as the worst SS in the league. But nope. I'm not seeing it. The "lack of range" argument is really overexagerrated, and, really, has little supporting evidence when you look at the team's record and number of runners they're allowing on base. How bad can he be?

Another great game, Yanks. I'm very proud. Stay strong, stay focused, stay clean.

Ok, Frankensteins, go play with your friends.


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