"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

“So did the Yankees win last night? Of course. They definitely did.”

“No. They lost 7-3.”

“No! Really?!!”

My mom is such an alarmist. Everything gets the same level of inappropriately profound shock, if I had told her the Yankees lost, I ran into my 2nd grade teacher, I’ve decided to surgically attach a horn to my head, there’s a ladybug on her arm, or I’ve decided to legally change my name to Tsunami.

So she was stunned to hear they lost because she figured they were just slicing through the league like a hot knife through butter. Which I loved because when Mo gave up back to back homeruns against Tampa earlier this year, she called in hysteria. When they lost to Boston after giving up a 6-run lead and I was in a funk, she consoled me with, “Kristen, stop saying it wasn’t that bad. It was awful!” If my mom's getting confident, the boys are looking extraordinary.

Despite the lackluster showing yesterday, anyway...

It would’ve been nice to pick up a game on Boston when they lost to Minny, but the Yanks were just having a bad night. I was not running on all cylinders either, and as such, it took me entirely too long to realize the Yanks were on a rain delay. For the life of me, I just could not figure out what I had been watching 2 hours of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I knew there was a reason I wasn’t changing the channel, but I kept thinking, wait why am I not watching the game? Then I’d see the “Rain Delay” logo in the upper right corner of the screen and, “Ahh ok. Right.” And then this would continue in a vicious cycle underscoring my complete inability to process anything.

(Everybody loves Raymond is actually pretty funny.)

I couldn’t stay awake to watch the rest of the game on account of having to meet my ride to the client at 7am. Being tired in your own office is one thing, it’s nothing a 5-shot caramel machiatto and sour candy won’t remedy. Being tired at someone else’s is poor form. (Now why can’t Boston fans just learn this simple fundamental tenet of respectful courtesy?)

Thoughts from the parts of the game I did see:

Joba didn’t look good from the second he took the mound. Just very discernibly uncomfortable and not himself at all. Usually when he walks someone or throws a few bad pitches in a row he shakes it off and settles back in. But yesterday he was shuffling around in the mud and wincing.
Goldberg the Goalie from The Mighty Ducks pitches for the Rangers, and his name is Magical [sic]. I get so jealous when I see cool last names on players of other teams, such as the following current MLB players--though some/most aren't really so much as active as they are inactive. But inactive just means more time to strut around with an awesome last name, so...not all bad:

Billy Buckner (I'm not kidding. He plays for Arizona. This is great.)
Outman
Pie
King
Wise
Thigpen
Bueno
Messenger
Riske
Register
Ohman
Gobble

The Yanks’ performance aligned with the fact they “waited out the rain” for 2.5 hours, despite the complete nonexistence of rain that delayed the game in the first place. It’s like having plans to go out, waiting on your buddies to figure out what you’re all doing, having a beer at your place to kill time since everyone’s behind on getting ready, and then by the time everyone’s dressed and ready to go with a destination in mind, you’ve lost you’re a significant chunk of gusto.
The Yanks were batting all over the field, but their heart wasn’t in it. They left 12 runners on and had more than enough opportunities to pull out the W, including an impressive if not baffling season-high 5 stolen bases.

Brett Gardner went 3-5, and I keep waiting for his post-game interview where he says, “I can run like the wind blows! If I was going somewhere, I…was…RUN-NING.” The bad news….?
…Melky’s hurt!! As usual, he was running full force at an outfield fly and crashed into the wall. Poor Melk! Get better and come back soon. Everyone misses you so much. I hope Robbie is coming by everyday with his school assignments and such.

I haven’t reiterated my infatuation with Swisher in a while. It’s still there. The Yanks are all taking turns getting their slumps outta their respective systems—and unlike recent years, they’re staggering their slumps so we’re not having a whole lot of games where the entire team is icecold. I predict he starts warming up to a hot streak some time in the beginning to middle of next week.

Texas is a decent team, but not as good as their record would suggest they’re the AL version of last year’s Brewers. They’ll make it to the playoffs and get knocked out in the first round.

In non-Yankees news:

Some douche started a website that I will not post the address of, but whose purpose is to campaign for Manny Ramirez’s participation in the All-Star game. Seems fair to me. Don’t play for 1/3 of the season because you were cheating and lying and being a general disgrace to an already faltering shape of the game…and then take the spot of a talented outfielder who actually DID show up every day and who presumably is playing by the rules.

I’m theorizing that the aforementioned douche (the first one, I guess I have to clarify since there’s technically 2 discussed here), is thinking that the most creative way to taint the purity of the sport would be to meddle with the innocence of the All-Star game. Let’s bend over backwards and pull all the strings we can to enable a suspended player to be represented as a star! That’s EXACTLY the kind of attitude and message that we want to couch the league on! Good move, blogger. It’s funny, because I actually just started a blog called HireMadoff.blogspot.com.

Fever’s gone! Which both relieved and pissed me off simultaneously, because it meant some virus inhabited my body JUST for Memorial Day Weekend. Not that I wanted to be sick during these all day client meetings, but for some reason it annoys me to no end that this flu or whatever it was, came out of nowhere with no warning, and lasted for the exact duration of my beautifully sunny, slated activity-filled, much-needed long weekend.

And then just peaced, without so much as leaving a note. My immune system was the Fever’s summer share in the Hamptons I guess. I hope it had to sleep on the floor because all the beds and air mattresses in my bloodstream were already taken.