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I can’t decide whether I’m relieved or disappointed about not seeing this, but when I learned that there was no no-hitter to be no matter what happened, the game took on a little less meaning or something. It’s like getting into a relationship that’s awesome and amazing and moving along swimmingly for all intents and purposes but knowing that once baseball season rolls around, it’s all for naught.

No matter how superrad it was, it’s getting prematurely capped off. So when you think about it, you really didn’t have to work so extra hard to keep things perfect because you’re saying sayonara once Opening Day rolls around!

Girardi was the equivalent of opening day. Kelly Stoppach was the equivalent of a meaningless tiff that gave the couple enough cause to end things. In the 8th inning. Stoppach puts the kibosh (the Stop? The Stoppash?) to fatso’s no-no bid when he dunks a single in front of little Gardner. But then we learn that even if that hadn’t happened, the gipper was planning on yanking round boy anyway on account of his 111 pitch count.

Now THAT’s something I’d have like to see. CC vs Girardi, celebrity death match on the mound. You think there’s ANY way CC would have gone willingly? I told my buddy here in NC about this, who has about as much interest in baseball as I do in interior decorating, and he makes the same analogy I was thinking: “Hm. That’s like the Colts pulling Peyton to ruin their perfect season.” Yup. Maybe some differences.

But essentially the same.

Final score 10-0. Only one other hit of the game came off the studly Zobrist, off the equally studly D-Rob, who pitched the last inning and a half.

In a game like this, the offense is really secondary and immaterial, so I won’t go into the production from Yankee bats. In terms of the D-Rays, I will say that Stoppach was acting a little too bitchy about his no-no breaking hit.

"I thought it was beautiful," Shoppach added of the single on his friend's final
pitch. "Just the history. I thought if anybody was to do it, it was supposed to
be me. I know he probably thinks the opposite."

Yeah, probably. Get over it. CC’ll have a no-no by season’s end. You’ll still be a D-Ray. Pump the breaks. Your only claim to fame isn’t breaking his no-hitter. It’s being in the top 3 pro athletes with names that sound like they should be headlining a wet t-shirt contest in some town with a population of 600 who loves their Kroegers and Sonic too much.

Oh, and Cano went yard. Gold.


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