"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

Ah, the first day back after a holiday weekend. I feel like I haven’t worked in weeks. And, technically, I haven’t really, since I started a new job today and spent the last few weeks doing little other than pushing papers around my desk and saying fond farewells to my old coworkers.

The weekend was a good one, albeit confusing. I spent most of on my rooftop taking in the games via radio, and trying to make heads or tails of what the hell was going on with the Cleveland series. I don’t know if the sun was making me delirious or what, but everything seemed to play out in the least predictable way possible.

In terms of teams that are not the Yankees (I know, I actually DO acknowledge that they exist now and then), the last week saw a bit of a musical chairs situation with the rankings. Of course, you can probably guess which teams demonstrated they’re more inert than that enormous woman in “Who’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” (Cough, O’s, cough…)


14. O’s (14)

It’s so bad right now, that even the ever-optimistic John Sterling is saying things like, “Things just get worse for them every day. And it’s not like they can even look forward to the season ending, because when it does, it will mean they’ve brought their losing season streak to a staggering 13.”


13. Tribe (10)

Thank God the Yanks won this series. It certainly was a low point for us (a high point for Cleveland) when my boys managed to relinquish a 6 run lead and let the most offensively challenged team in the lead score 13 runs. Let’s move on. (Oh, btw, just for that, I’m moving you guys to the Royals spot. Sit there and think about what you did.)


12. Seattle (12)

What’s worse, having an all around abysmal team…or having a pathetic lineup with a brilliant rotation? Few things are more disheartening than stifled potential, and although the M’s continue to demonstrate a categorical phobia of plating runners, pitchers like Fister (hehe) and Vargas are among the most effective arms in the league.


11. Royals (13)

They ALMOST showed signs of life. ALMOST. I thought they were going to sweep the Red Sox. And to their credit, they did win the first one, and held Boston to 1 in the following one. Which prompted talking heads to note, “You can’t ask for much more from Greinke than that!” Well, you can, actually. You could have asked him to hold the Sox to zero runs, technically. But it was enough life to send them up for the first time all season, out of the penultimate hole.


10. Southsiders (11)

As always, the ChiSox have a stranglehold on 2 things: problems, and the ability to entertain us all. Thank you, Ozzie Guillen. After defending Mark Buerhle against umpire West, (which included an unprintable string of profanity), Guillen was handed a hefty fine. To which he had this to say: "I wish they just suspended me instead. It's going to take me another three years to pay that. I'm going to need a loan.”


9. Tiggers (5)

Oooh. Rough week, Detroit. It happens. We all have them from time to time, I guess. The Tigers are 3-7 in their last 10, but it’s not exactly indicative of things to come. Their entire pitching staff is being renovated, and their story of the week was undoubtedly the 14K game from the hands of Max Scherzer. However, I think it’s safe to say that both the Tiggers’ slide, and the Scherzer ascent are both anomalies.


8. Rangers (6)

See, here’s the problem with the Rangers. They’re a great team, but they only play well enough to stay atop their cake division. I generally don’t have a problem with this mentality, because you don’t always need to play 100%. Sometimes you just need to play 1% more than your opponent and save your energy. But pull it together, Texas. They’re currently on a 4-game skid, and are 1 game behind Oakland.


7. Angels (8)

Hey, I’m seeing some improvement! Their closer is looking great, and they’ve won the last 3, but they’re still just treading water. Their OBP is one of the worst in the leage (.315) and same goes for their pitching (4.66). As my fantasy league ardently chastised me: “One closer will never make a dent in your team’s value.”


6. A’s (9)

Nope, sorry, I still don’t buy it. The A’s aren’t “for real.” Brett Andersen returns (and had a nice little post-DL outing), and they’re 8-2 in the last 10, and they’ve markedly outscored their opponents (even the ones with decent bats), but… well, I don’t know, they’re like the Bengals. You can’t figure out whether they’re good or not, but if you had to bet the farm, you’d err on the side of trusting them no further than you could throw them.


5. BoSox (7)

Well, welcome to the show, Boston. Scores of Fenway Faithfuls have returned to the scene, in light of the Sox offense acting like major league athletes. To be honest, the lionization of David Ortiz may as well be ipecac to me. They’ve won 7 of the last 9, have a fairly easy schedule coming up, and I’m looking forward to hearing all about fans’ renewed allegiance, especially when the Celtics are carved up by Kobe.


4. J’s (2)

I should just start copy and pasting my Toronto weekly analysis. Or make some kind of word macro for “Their offense is amazing. Slugging unsurpassed. The J’s are contenders. Their pitching needs to catch up.” Because, realty, that’s the long and short of this team, and unlike the rest of the league, they’ve changed approximately zero percent. But when you think about it, there are worse things to be than a perma-top-5 resident.


3. [Devil] Rays (1)

Annnnd the mighty have fallen. A little bit. The Rays are seated at the lowest ranking all year, falling to the Yanks and Twinks, on account of going 4-6 in their last 10, getting swept by the Sox, and losing the last 2 to the J’s and ChiSox. While they may retain the best record in baseball, last week was not their best work. And mercifully, my days of championing the Sox are over. Even 2 days of rooting for them was too much for my heart to bear.


2. World Series Champions (4)

As soon as Mark Teixeira and A-Rod start acting like 3-4 batters and not Mr. and Mrs. Mediocrity, the Yankees will be the team to beat. And fortunately for NY fans, they’ve made significant advances towards this end. A-Rod’s salami yesterday, and Tex’s newfound relationship with consistency indicate a clear path to juggernaut-dom. And if that wasn’t terrifying enough, just take a look our pitchers. Our #5 guy is one of the most unhittable guys in the league.


1. Twinks (3)

I’m proud of the Twins. They’re such a feel-good team. For some reason, this salubrious nature doesn’t just translate to positive feelings for Minnesota fans, but fuels even more vindictive rage towards their antithesis (the Evil Empire). Someone needs to remind the Twins that they can be happy with a 5-game streak without being angry at the Yanks for their payroll. The new digs is suiting them: they’re 18-9 at home, and have been outscoring their opponents by 54 runs (which may be the 3rd best in baseball, but paltry compared to what the Yanks/Rays are doing). Ah, who cares, Minny? You’re on top this week!