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Well, it's just like the old saying goes, the fatter the pitcher...the better.*

*Like everything else in life, Justin notwithstanding.

Last night, the Allergy was spectacular because he only let up 1 run. Meaning, I don't care how many hits, Ks, or BBs he had, because I like the bottom line. 1 run.

I also like the penultimate line: when he got into jams, he got out of them. A real, "You made your bed, now lie in it." Like when boys turn into donkeys for being bad:

Yep, still terrifying 20 years later.

But, Allergy/Pinocchio got out of his problems, which I like.

Something else I like= Ozzie Guillen's egregious abandonment of normal emotions.

In the top of the 1st, in the TOP OF THE 1ST (bears repeating), he just lost it Ozzie style when Konerko was called out on a called 3rd strike that barely hovered around the knees. Yeah I suppose it was kind of a bad call, MAYBE. I mean, you got 2 strikes on you, swing at that. Ask Carlos Beltran about that, if it's even remotely close, you swing. This isn't groundbreaking theory.

HOWEVAH, even if he was called out on a pitch that landed in the broadcast booth, it still wouldn't merit the tantrum Ozzie threw.

Actually, few things WOULD merit the tantrum Ozzie threw. Maybe getting kicked in the face with golf shoes. And even that would have had to have happened in the 9th inning for me to really give a crap.

But Ozzie cares deeply about everything. I love him. My sister: "Imagine being stuck in a room with AJ Piernyzski and Ozzie. Forever."

I don't think I would mind that. Well, not forever, but I can think of a million worse people, 90% of which are on the Red Sux or were on the Red Sux at one point.

So the first inning comes and goes, Ozzie storms back to the clubhouse, where he may as well get his mail delivered since he spends more time there than he does on the field. And he proceeds to do what any ejected manager does after retreating away from the game with his tail between his legs:

He tweets aggressively.

I get THE BIGGEST kick out of aggressive status-updaters. Like how when 14-year-old girls get slighted by something, the first thing they do is bang away on their iPhones these thinly veiled spits of vitriol like, "I'm glad I found out NOW who my real friends are" or something like that.

Similarly, Ozzie channels that maturity with things like:

"This one going to cost me a lot money"

"This is patetic [sic]."

"Today a tough guy show up a yankee stadium"

Which isn't much of a departure from his typical rhetoric, awesomely. His tweet archives include, but are not limited to, pearls of insight like:

"3 day of Spring Training and im already boreddddddd"

"what I saw on the field today was a lot of grass..."

"Thanks a lot for the support i like it the twitter....."

See, this is one guy that I actually LIKE weighing in on everything. Shut it down, Schilling, you've been long replaced as the outspoken mouth of MLB.

So, yeah, the game. Cano homered with something that initially looked like it'd be a line drive into right center. The thing took off like an f'n bullet, ridiculous. He's gone yard in 4 of the past 5 games. As Ted Williams once said, "I'm good, and I'm only getting better. I can't stand it I'm so good."

That's how Cano plays and hits. He even toed the line of obnoxious pause-at-the-plate-after-dropping-the-bat behavior that WoManRam had taken to galactic levels during his tenure, BUT Cano only neared the border of obnoxious. His appreciative gaze of his bomb still fell somewhere in between badass and arrogant which, of course, is the perfect place to fall!

The Allergy, as I mentioned, also was badass, if not enormously anaphylactic-y. And according to Ozzie, we should all be impressed not only with his outing but with his attendance:

Before the game, Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen joked that he was surprised to learn Colon had showed up at the ballpark -- a reference to Colon's injury-plagued 2009 stint with the White Sox during which he was away from the team for long stretches and sometimes hard to find, Guillen said.

Pshh, bitch please. You're talking about a team that hosted the likes of Carl Pavano and Kei Igawa.

Buerhle--whose name I STILL can't master--delivered the David Cone special and continued to live up to his end of the bargain he clearly made with Beezelbub prior to July 23, 2009, giving up 6 hits and polishing his record to 1-8, with a 6.38 ERA against the Yanks.

(I liked the little side bar piece about the pitchers with the highest ERAs against the Yanks. Because Josh Beckett was like #2 or something. Ha. Put that in your goatee and smoke it.)

Mo got the save, staving off the requisite whining from critics about his damn age (which, for the record, seems to have been reduced by about 20 years, based on his appearance.) Seriously, was it me, or did Mo look like his rookie card last night?

I think his hat is just too big.


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