"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

LOSS.

WELCOME BACK INTO MY LIFE, YANKEES! Okay, so you lost, but if there is a fan among you who didn't get off on that familiar thrill of the makings of a comeback, then...well, I'll see YOU in hell.

So, the Yankees lose this one because Tubbo.com pitched 2 innings of questionable ball. I say "questionable" as a courtesy to Round Boy, but I'm fairly certain that there weren't a whole lot of questions circulating amongs viewers, beyond "Why is he still wearing the same size uniform even though he's 4 sizes smaller?"

I was the Incredible Shrinking Man for Halloween.

Yes, but in fairness, our boy DID give us a heads up seeing as almost every sound bite he's tossed out to the media in the last 7 months has been wildly self-deprecating. It's like he lost all this weight and now he;s turning into some MLB version of Lucas. No dramatic slow claps in this game though.

Fatso went 6 innings, threw 99 pitches, whiffed 6, got taken yard twice, and was rocked for 6 runs in the first two innings. That's, like, Justin Chamberlain shit, yo. What the eff. You know what, though? Lard started Opening Day in 2009, the Yanks lost 10-2, and we all know how that season ended.

It wasn't a worrisome start, it was an anticlimatic one. Which makes sense, because I guess Game 1 of the season shouldn't be climatic at all, otherwise I'd be in Silly World, Where Everything I Know Is Wrong.

Other game notes:

I'm pretty sure at one point Beltran made it to first and tried to be all "Hey, what's up man" to Guzman, like the guy who's got people visiting him at his hometown, and he tries to act like he's Johnny Popular to look cool. Except Guzman was just having none of it.

Oh, Beltran. It's cool, though, because Beltran dove headfirst into first base later on in the game, and that really showed Guzman and the world that Beltran means business. Kudos on the hard 90, boy. I respect it. Didn't as much respect the E he so gracelessly tacked on. Old Mets habits die hard I guess. Next thing you know Beltran will be doing Kiss Cam and Waves and the like. Whatever, Astro season or no, he'll always be a Met in my eyes.

Jeter got hit by a pitch, and so begins a season of hearing the announcers wax philosophical, nostalgic, etc al, every time this future HOF-er steps up to the plate. (Do you see how I used that phrase "step up to the plate"? Jeter took a batting stance. He stepped up to the plate.)

Speaking of, no one "stepped up to the plate" in the way that infuriates me, ie in the "LOOK HOW MUCH HE CAME THROUGH IN THE CLUTCH!" So, basically no one stepped up to the plate and drove runs in when I needed them to. 2 for 8 with RISP, leaving 8 men on.

Hey, you know who looked good? Teixeira. 2 for 3. Other hits came smack from the middle of the lineup, so I guess that means something can be said for the rationale behind the batting order? Yeah? Jeter, Beltran, and McCann.

Our relievers looked good! And if memory serves, that is a requisite topic of season-long contention. So, I'm just putting this out there now, because in 2 months, we'll be wading through palpable vitriol about how WE NEED PITCHING! after the first spat of horribly blown games. AHHH, WHERE'S MO??!

PS, I thought Nuno might have used the off season to realize a tilda may be an appropriate addition to his name. I'm pretty sure I've voiced my aversion to this already:

While we're getting into improvement-needed areas, your lack of tilde over the second N in Nuno is distracting. It looks naked.

Wikipedia evidently shares this sentiment, and you know how for a little while they were putting banner ads the size of Spain everywhere, begging for donations?

Well, if there was ever a reason for me to humor Wikipedia and all it's uncitable glory, it's because they stood their ground when it came to the tilde.

They're running with it, because Wikipedia doesn't take ño shit from anyone.

Well, Nuno. I've said my piece. Also, good pitching out there today.

As for the lady with the pink hair who sat behind home plate?

This . Also, I think you left the game early. Thus, this .

Oh, also, did George Bush gain weight? Or was that Barbara's purse on his lap or something? I couldn't tell.

BASEBALL'S BACK! See you tomorrow, Astros! I HOPE I hope I hope I hope I hope, Sneach is in the lineup. I feel like the Yankees would be a little more recognizable that way? Maybe. GGBG was the only Yankee in the lineup that was in the lineup in 2013's Opening Day. I don't know how this is significant, if at all.

As always, I got a real good feeling about this team.