"It's great to be young and a Yankee."

Felix F'n Doubront.

What's his deal?

And how did the Yankees manage to blow a series to the worst team in the history of ever? (Hey, if Suzyn and John are free to wax hyperbole, then I'm throwing my hat in the ring, too.)

It was particularly bad because it was one of those games where you stay up late on a school night to catch the whole thing (unless you're my Dad, who usually waits until the game is tied in extras, with 2 outs and runners in scoring position, and then announces, "Ok, I'm going to bed.")

And you stay up late and then they lose, and it's kind of like when I'm already late for work but decide I absolutely can't go in until I pick up my coffee from Dunkin Donuts first, and I'm waiting on line and waiting on line. And it gets to the point where I'm getting later and later for work, but I've already invested this much time into it, so even though I don't even really want the coffee anymore, I have to stick it out. Then I finally get to the front of the line only to find out they're out of Coffee Coolatta mix.

So I go to work late for nothing, empty-handed.

That idiot Felix held the Yanks scoreless until R-Mart (an unlikely hero as of late) takes him deep in the 7th to put the Yankees on the board, and then R-Mart (still an unlikely hero as of late) gets the other ribbie of the game, with a tying single off A-Save-Us (coolest name for a closer ever.)

Unfortunately, there's someone even more annoying than Doubront on the Red Socks, and that's Ciriaco, who someone needs to inform that it's not part of the Boston mores to try hard. It reminds me of that scene in Big when Tom Hanks first starts works at his new job and Jon Lovitz is his cube-mate, and he's like, "WTF ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE US ALL LOOK BAD. SLOW THE F DOWN."

Ciriaco is like Josh Baskin.

SLOW. DOWN.

Or, at the very least, stop screwing shit up for the Yankees.

Ciriaco hits the winning shot off D-Rob in the 10th, and the Yanks fail to respond in kind in the bottom of the inning, and everything is terrible.

At least there are SOME people on Boston who still remember their role, that they're aposed to suck and do so in galatic proportions. So, thank you, Bobby Valentine and Josh Beckett, for maintaining the legacy so pristinely.

Bobby gets ejected in the 10th, right before his stupid team wins the game, because a pitch that clearly hit the bat, wasn't ruled a HBP, but instead was correctly identified as a foul ball. Shame on you, umpire, for adhering to accuracy in the game!

Bobby takes exception to this and stages a shit fit, and eventually gets tossed. What a moron. He does this in the wake of the umpire getting inadvertantly beaned by a pitch, which caused a big delay as the trainers and everything had to come out to examine him. And you know what I'd want to do seconds after I'm knocked to my feet and seeing cartoon stars above my head?

Deal with a cantankerous manager arguing my call.

As if O'Nora is gonna be like, hey you know what? You're right, buddy. And I appreciate you calling out the err of my ways as I'm limping back to my post behind homeplate. Good on you, Bob. GOOD. ON. YOU.

So, yeah, Bobby "I have a name for 80's teen villain heart throbs" Valentine gets ejected, but not before DRAMATICALLY tossing his gum to nowhere in particular. I LOVE moves like this. Grown men do it all the time and it looks so so so ridiculous.

Kind of like when I was arguing with my boyfriend on Halloween 8 years ago. We were dressed as Mario and Luigi and I can't even remember what he was so mad about, but usually there was never an actual reason with him so it could have been something akin to yawning or something.

At any rate, he's furious about SOMETHING, and I remember at the time thinking how hysterical this must look to passers-by, seeing Mario and Luigi heatedly fighting on the street. And then Mario does the unthinkable, but also the most hilarious thing ever, which is snap his plunger over his knee to punctuate his frustration.

Yeah, I really know how to pick 'em. But anyways, this just made me laugh, just as Bobby tossing his gum aggressively made me laugh, but I was not laughing when Mario stormed off with his splintered plunger, and I was not laughing when the Yankees lost in the 10th inning.

Oh, yeah, Josh Beckett got tossed, too. He wasn't even playing last night. He cannot possibly be more pathetic. He could TRY, but he would not be successful.

I love the fact that the Socks think that they can improve their team by getting rid of this nightmare. Hey, Boston? That nightmare IS your team. He is not the anomaly. He is the epitome. He is not the cancer. He is the blood flow. And I don't mean that in a complimentary way. I mean that in a Josh Beckett is terrible, and he is a microcosm of your team's aura. Good work, guys. Keeping it classy always, yeah?

No one will take Beckett. HA HA HA. How's that, buddy? Where's your jawing now? Any other quips or snide remarks or dismissive whateverIdontevencare comments? No?

Suit yourself.

So now it's Monday, and the Yankees lost last night, and my hair is still wet from my shower this morning and it's dripping all over the place. I've had better mornings. But I've had worse, too. I think I'm just extra cranky because I had a rough week ahead of me and without the benefit of my best friend being around. The Yankees better win every game this week, or I'm gonna be tossing my chewing gum and breaking plungers left right and center.

(Sentence I never thought I'd say.)

Cheers! Happy Monday!